And for us.
Because I want more than anything for this to be real. And it can’t be real. How can it be real when all three of us are lying? I don’t know what Ark’s lie is yet, but clearly JD is not over what happened to his girlfriend and baby. He never mentions the baby in the video diary other than that one promise to find out what happened. And the only conclusion I can draw from that is it hurts too much. It just hurts too damn much to speak the words.
How can I fix this? How can I make these men mine when they have this shared sad past?
Find me, the voice in my head says. Find me and you’ll find out what really happened to Marie.
I want to believe her. That girl in my head who sounds an awful lot like Janine. I really do. But I’m not sure JD can handle the truth.
My fingertips go to the raised scar on the back of my neck. If Marie had this brand, I know what happened to her. I know what happened to her baby, too. The same thing that would have happened to mine.
Of course, mine would’ve been folded into the flock because I was one of Gabriel’s wives. But Janine… her baby didn’t have the pedigree to be kept. I was only granted this privilege after they found out who I was and Gabriel claimed me as his. For every one of us on the inside, there were dozens of girls on the outside, who just ended up dead and their babies sold to a long list of couples eager to buy, regardless of how the child came on the market.
That word in my mind makes me gag.
You were part of a baby-selling ring, Blue.
No. I shake the thought out of my head. I was a prisoner, like Ark said. They locked me in a cage for four months when they first found out. That’s how they kept me in the months after it was determined I couldn’t conceive. Every night they came and took me to the lounge. And every night I had a flock member to please in any way they wanted.
I was not one of them.
But I’d be lying if I said I believed that. Just like JD is lying if he thinks he wants to put this behind him. Because when Gabriel came to me and offered me a deal, I took it. I made that YouTube video and lied to the world. I signed the contract. I let them brand me.
“Blue?”
JD’s voice startles me so bad, I let out a whimper.“Blue?” He comes over to me, still sitting on the couch, in the exact same position as when he left. “What’s wrong?”
I can’t lie to him. I can’t. Not after all those hours I spent watching him bare his soul to a camera called Marie. But I can’t tell him the truth either. At least not that truth. “I miss my parents,” I say instead. “I miss them so bad.”
“Where are they?” he asks, sitting down. He’s naked, just a wet towel wrapped around his waist.
He smells like soap and shaving cream. He smells like a fresh start.
And then I realize he doesn’t even know who I am. Ark never told him. I figured they’d be talking about me all night, but clearly not. “Canada,” I say, unable to tell that story again.
He just leans over and puts his arm protectively around me. And that small gesture is what seals the deal. I hug him hard because it feels so good to have something in common. I’m running from my past. He’s running from his. And the two of us are clinging to each other. Sharing our regrets and shame.
“Wanna go to bed now?”
It’s a change of subject. No, it’s more than a change of subject. It’s denial and escape and salvation all rolled into one five-word sentence. “Sure,” I say with a smile. “What good does it do to dwell on what you can’t change?”
He stands, scoops me into his arms, and carries me towards Ark’s bedroom. “Darling, no truer words have ever been said.”
He lays me down on the bed. Gently, like he might do for Marie. And then the tears are there and I roll over and bury my face in the pillow.
“Shhh,” he says, sliding in next to me. “Let’s not do this, Blue.” He whispers the words. They are soft and calming. His fingers lift my shirt up, and I let him take it off. I push down my borrowed boxers without being encouraged.
“Make me forget, JD. Make me forget what they did.” I turn on my side so I can see him, and I cup his face in my hands. His face is smooth now that he’s shaved, and it feels so good. It feels like strength. It feels like protection. It feels like forgiveness. For all of my sins. “Make me forget and I’ll make you forget too.”
He smiles, a genuine JD smile, and I melt. He wraps me up in his arms and pulls me close, so we are face to face. And then he touches his lips to mine and shakes his head as he pulls back. “I can’t forget, Blue. That’s my problem. If you know how to make that happen, tell me.” His blue eyes search mine. “Tell me how you forget, because I’ve never learned that skill. I never stop thinking about her. Never. I see her face in everyone. Even you. That’s why I took you home, Blue. Every girl who sucks my dick on camera, in my mind they are all my girl. The one I lost. That’s why I do it. That’s the only reason I do it. I haven’t had a girlfriend in four years. I haven’t asked a girl out on a date in four years. All I have left are the ghosts of her. I live my life every day with the hope that I can get a glimpse of her in a girl on her knees in front of me. I’m sick, man. I want to be the one who can take away whatever it is you’re feeling, but the truth is, I’m a mess.”
I stare at him for a moment. I want to choose the right words. I want to make him better. I want to save him the way he saved me. “I’m very new at this coping stuff, JD. I’m just a baby at it. But you take it away for me just by being here. And Ark does the same thing. And that’s why I want you. That’s why I need you. So maybe—when you look at me tonight—you can see me instead of her? Maybe that will help?”