Anger and disgust, directed solely at myself, crept up into my chest and burned my throat. Why are we here now? Why am I even in this boat with you?
I kept making mistakes, slips... one after another. I can’t fall in love with you. I can’t allow myself to long for something that would never – could never be. I’m just kidding myself.
The serene lake suddenly felt like shark-infested waters. I had to get out of this boat and back to safe ground - fast. I fought the urge to jump in the lake and swim for shore.
I looked at the time on my cell phone. “It’s almost two o’clock. I should get you back. I’m sure you have things you have to do.”
“Not really,” he admitted, looking me in the eyes again. “I just assumed… it is poker night, isn’t it?”
Despite my compounding fears I couldn’t help but revel in the fact that he was going to be with me tonight as well.
“I’m hungry,” Ryan mentioned as we walked up to the cabin. “I’m starting to get a headache.”
“We can stop for something on the way back. How does pizza sound?”
I drove us out onto the highway and Ryan moved his arm to rest his hand on the top of my driver’s seat. Every once and a while he would twist his finger into my hair on the top of my head. It made me shiver and smile.
“Does that tickle?” he asked.
“Yeah, it does!” I giggled, but he kept on doing it.
Every time I tried to reach for his finger, he’d move his hand away and chuckle. Our little game was fun.
About the ninth time, I managed to reach up fast enough with my right hand and I flattened his hand on my head. He twisted his finger once more in my hair under my hand.
“Okay, I’ll stop then,” he announced, and then he made a move that stunned me. He quickly gathered my hand in his and relocated our joined hands to rest on his thigh.
I glanced over at him in shock. I felt a slight rush when my heart skipped a beat; the sensation of his touch flooded my veins.
Ryan was staring intently at our joined hands; slowly he opened his grip and freed my hand but I didn’t pull away – I didn’t want to pull away even though I knew I should. My desire for him overpowered all logical reasoning. A small grin appeared on his lips.After a few minutes, he repositioned my hand, setting it to rest palm down on his thigh. Ryan released me, then used his left hand to casually scratch his chin, all the while watching my hand on his leg.
I smiled, assuming this was another test. He paused to see if I’d pull my hand away. He was feeling me out to see how I’d react.
I left my hand where he set it. He placed his hand on top of mine and wove our fingers together. The smile on his face was breathtaking. He adjusted his seat to recline further back, breathed out a contented sigh, and closed his eyes.
The sun was already setting when I pulled my car down the alley. I purposely made sure that the passenger door would open to the back door of my pub so Ryan could get inside quickly.
I looked up and down the alley first; I was on the alert just in case there were paparazzi on the loose. I held the back door open while he darted from the car to the kitchen. It was a relief when Ryan was inside safely.
“Stay inside. I’ll get the cooler and bags.”
Ryan looked angry and helpless as he stood there. I could tell he wanted to just walk out into the alley and pull the cooler from the trunk, but he couldn’t. We could not afford to make any mistakes.
He started to breach the doorway to help me.
“Ryan, someone might see you! It’s all right. I got it. Please, just back up.” As soon as he could, he took the cooler out of my hands and slid it into the dark kitchen.
“Here, let me have those.” He slipped his bag and mine from my shoulder. “Is that everything?”
“Just the pizza and our drinks yet, then that’s it.” I leaned back into the car and grabbed the pizza box off of the back seat.
When I handed him the box, he was smiling devilishly at me.
“What?” I asked, dying to know why he was grinning.
“Nothing!” he stated as he faked a swing to smack me on the butt.
“Okay - well I’m going to park my car. You can lock this door - wait, let me turn on a light for you first. I’ll come through the front.”
I drove down the alley and parked my car in my normal spot in the lot on the corner of Mulberry. As I walked towards the pub, I noticed someone sitting in an old car across the street. I couldn’t tell if it was a man or a woman, but I could see the dark outline of a person. Don’t get paranoid already, I said to myself. I quickly unlocked the front door to my pub and hurried inside.