“It is to me!” I protest.
“Details,” Lacey dismisses me. “But more importantly, why the hell would you tell Daniel any of this, are you insane, or just a masochist?”
“But, of course I have to tell him.” I blink. “Lacey, I can’t lie about something like this.”
“Why not?” she challenges me. “Listen, think about it, Jules. Daniel is perfect for you, anyone can see that. Do you really want to screw everything up over what, one stupid little kiss?”
My make-out with Emerson may have been stupid, but there was nothing little about it.
“I don’t know,” I murmur, “Lacey, I feel terrible.”
“And that’s what makes you a good person.” She decides. “Answer me this: would you have cheated on Daniel with anyone else?”
“God, no!” I exclaim.
“And would you have made out with Emerson if you hadn’t been back in Cedar Cove?”
“Never.” I vow fervently.
“Then you don’t have a problem.” Lacey insists. “It was one minor slip-up—being back in town, all the old memories… It’s not like it’s going to ever happen again, right?”
“Right,” I echo quietly, even though I have no idea if that’s true. “But Lacey, lying to Daniel…”
“I know, it sucks,” she agrees. “But if you tell him, you’re only hurting him. And for what? So you can get the guilt off your chest? That’s just selfish.”
I don’t reply. Part of me knows she’s just making excuses, but the other part of me can see the sense in what she’s saying.
“Emerson’s in your past, right?” Lacey prompts me, her voice cutting through my indecision. “Daniel’s your future. Why would you want to screw that up? Listen to me, babe,” she adds, “This thing with Emerson was probably inevitable. One last go around, you know? To get him out of your system. And now you have, you can move on. Simple.”
I let out a long breath. “Thanks, Lace.”
“Anytime.” I can hear the grin in her voice. “So, are you coming back?”
“I don’t know.” I reply. “I haven’t really thought that far.”I didn’t think at all: my contacts are still on the bathroom sink at the beach house, my textbooks still piled up in the guest room. I didn’t even bother to lock up right, I just got in the car and drove.
“Well, you mind if I stick around a few days?” Lacey asks. “I could use the vacation before finals, and the, uh, relaxation.”
I feel myself smile, for the first time all day. “I thought the beard was a deal-breaker.”
“He’s going to shave,” Lacey replies, laughing. “I figure we can give it another try.”
“Sure,” I say. “Stay as long as you like. I’ll call you when I know what I’m going to do.”
“Drive safe,” she tells me. “And Jules?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t be so hard on yourself,” her voice is soft with sympathy. “It was just a kiss, OK?”
“Love you.”
I hang up and toss the phone onto the passenger seat. Just a kiss? I know what she’s trying to say, but Lacey wasn’t there last night. Calling what happened with Emerson ‘just a kiss’ is like saying I just got shot in the heart, or just stepped off a cliff. There’s no ‘just’ about it.
Lacey means well, but she hasn’t helped ease the terrible weight of guilt I’ve got crushing down on my ribcage, constricting my lungs tighter and tighter…
I gasp, quickly rooting through my bag for the little vial of pills. I don’t want to take one, but I can feel the anxiety building, and the tell-tale skitter of my heartbeat speeding up in my chest. Warning signs of what’s to come. Hating myself, I slip one of the pills onto my tongue, and take a swig of water to wash it down.
Almost immediately, my heartbeat slows, just from the knowledge that I’ve got things under control.
I exhale slowly.
It’s a vicious cycle, I know: the pills make me feel calmer, just sitting there in my purse, but I’m never going to get over these panic attacks if I can’t find a way of controlling myself without them. It feels like I’m failing, somehow. Like my body is out of my control, and it’s a weakness that could spell disaster for me one day.
Remind you of anything—or anyone?
I put the car back in drive, and circle back out to meet the highway again. For a moment I think about heading back to Cedar Cove, but then I flash to Emerson: his lips branding mine with their passion. There’s no way in hell I’m ready to face him again, so I turn onto the northbound lane, and keep driving.
The miles pass. I’m still caught up in guilt and confusion, but now Lacey’s added a new nugget of indecision to all my worry. As I leave the coast further behind, heading towards the city, I find myself wondering if maybe my best friend is right. Maybe I shouldn’t tell Daniel. What good would it do now, anyway? If Emerson really is in my past, then how will dragging it all up again make any difference—except from wrecking the future I’ve worked so hard to build?
For the first time, I find myself wishing that I’d come clean from the start, and told Daniel just how intense that summer really was. Maybe if he’d known that all along how much I loved Emerson, then he could understand the strange power my ex has over me even now. I sigh. It’s way too late for that. And besides, Daniel wouldn’t believe it, even if I tried. He’s never seen that side to me, not even close. The Juliet he knows is reserved and thoughtful, not recklessly wanton. I never wanted to be that girl with him. It took three months of dating before I’d sleep with him, another six before I said, ‘I love you’. Our sex life is good, sure, but it’s regular—sweet, and tender, not wild or burning up out-of-control. I thought I was past all that. I figured, that was just about being eighteen, and inexperienced, where everything felt so new and dangerous. A real, adult relationship doesn’t have those highs, but it wouldn’t send me plummeting into the abyss of lows either.