“And that’s La Plata Peak.” Jordan points to mountain covered with scatterings of snow. “It’s a great place to hike up.”
“Looks beautiful,” I murmur.
“We can hike up there one day if you’d like? I’d take you today, but we haven’t got the right equipment with us.”
A promise of more time with Jordan? Um, yes, please!
“I’d like that.” I smile.
The drive through the canyon is amazing. Jordan stops often to point out certain things to me. He knows this place so well, and he sounds so enthralling when he’s telling me about the canyons history.
We stop and get out of the jeep to go look at Jordan’s favorite lake. It’s deep in the canyon and the peaks around it are snow-capped. The water is the bluest of blues that I’ve ever seen, and right in the middle of the lake is a raised rock formation.
I close my eyes and imagine what it would be like to sit out there on that rock, the water all around me.
Complete solitude. Freedom.
Peace. Just peace.
I wonder if the pain in my heart and the haunt in my head would just disappear, and I would finally be free of everything.
Jordan comes up behind and wraps his arms around my waist. His heat surrounds me. I feel safe in his arms.
“Tell me about your travels,” I murmur, content.
“What do you want to know?”
“Where you’ve been.”
He snuggles his face into the crook of my neck. “I’ve been to the Philippines, Indonesia, Malaysia, Singapore, Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand.”
“Wow. That’s a lot of places.”
“Hmm. My buddies and I wanted to see the world, so we figured we’d start with South East Asia. Backpacking, working as we went, fitting in as much as we could – we stayed in a lot of dives.” He chuckles. “But I didn’t care, I just wanted to see the world.” He eases out a breath. It’s hot on my skin, flowing through me, setting my stomach to tumult. “We were about to head off to India … when I got the news about my mom.”
“I’m so sorry, Jordan.” I wrap my arms around his, holding him. “Do you ever think you’ll travel again?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
He moves his nose up my neck, inhaling. It does crazy things to my body. “You smell so fuckin’ good. Like vanilla.”
I know he’s evading, but it’s hard to care in this moment. Tingles run south, and I can feel my panties getting damp. “I use vanilla body wash.” My voice sounds breathy. Not like me at all.
He breathes me in again. “It smells amazing.” His hand frees, smoothing down the flat of my stomach, and he hooks a finger into my belt loop, pulling me against him.
I can feel him against my back, and my body starts to react, instantly lighting up … wanting to feel more of him … feel more of this.
“I love this lake,” he says close to my ear, his breath tickling and arousing me. “It reminds me of the caldera I saw at Mount Rinjani.”
“Where’s that?” asks the totally unworldly me.
“Indonesia.” Placing a hand on my cheek, he turns my face to him. “You have the exact same eye color as the water there.”
My mouth dries. “I do?”
“Hmm.” His gaze moves to my mouth. My tongue darts out to moisten my suddenly dry lips.
His eyes flare. “Are you hungry?” he asks.
I’m not entirely sure that we’re talking about food right now. “I’m hungry,” I say in a voice that doesn’t sound like mine. It’s all breathy and sexy.
Without another word, Jordan crushes his mouth to mine, his tongue instantly in my mouth. I turn in his arms. He pulls me hard against him.
I like the way it makes me feel. Protected. Wanted. He makes me feel sexy and desirable. Everything I’ve never before felt.
Our kiss quickly turns heated and desperate. I wind my fingers into his hair, pulling it, keeping him with me. He must like it because the sound he makes in my mouth is more than encouraging. He cups my behind and lifts me off my feet. Instinctively, I wrap my legs around his waist. I don’t even realize we’ve moved until I feel my back press up against the jeep.
His kiss is urgent, mirroring my own. I’m shocked by my reaction to him … how much I want him, but I’m confused—confused by the lust that is urging my body to pull him closer, yet the fear telling me to push him away.
Would he stop if I did? Do I want him to stop?
No.
Not yet.
“God, Mia,” he says against my mouth. His hand moves up my side, cupping my breast over my t-shirt. The instant he touches me, my nipple hardens. I moan against his mouth.
His hand is moving under my t-shirt, lifting it, and his fingers are running inside the cup of my bra, and I’m thinking yes … god, yes! He pulls down my bra, taking my bare breast in his warm, rough hand, running his thumb over the hardened peak…
I want him so much…
Then I feel him harden against me. His erection pressing against my girl parts…
And a flash of Forbes, pinning me to that wall, trying to rape me, takes away everything with it.
“I’m going to fuck some sense into you. You need teaching a lesson.”
Jordan’s hand suddenly becomes Forbes’ hand. And there’s no pleasure. Just fear. Pure unadulterated fear.
And panic.
I’m panicking. My muscles locking with the fear controlling me.
I’m going to be sick.
“Stop. Please, stop.” I’m breathless, pushing at his hand.
I need him off me, now.
Jordan removes his hand from my t-shirt instantly, putting it onto the truck above my head. “Jesus, I’m sorry. Mia, are you okay?” He searches my face. “Tell me you’re okay? Shit, I moved too quick. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.” He’s shaking his head.
“It’s okay, I just … I wanted…” I can hardly catch my breath. “I think … I just … I can’t. Not right now. I’m so sorry.”
“Mia, no…” He rests his forehead against mine. “You don’t have to explain. You never have to explain to me. And don’t ever be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I just got lost in you for a moment there, but it won’t ever happen again.” His tone is vehement, full of promise. “From now on, I follow your lead. We go as slow, or as fast as you want.”
The sound of his voice, his words, calm me – soothe me like nothing I’ve ever known.
“Okay,” I breathe.
It takes me a moment to gather myself, but when I do, I take his face in my hands. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known, Jordan.”
He stares into my eyes for a long moment. “Ditto, babe. Ditto.”
Chapter Seventeen
Jordan
I’ve completely screwed things up with Mia.
Not surprising as this is me we’re talking about. I started thinking with my cock instead of my brain when I had her pressed up against Wade’s jeep.
She felt so fucking amazing against me, and I wanted her so bad, but then she start panicking, her fear was palpable.
And I felt like the world’s biggest asshole.
I still feel like an asshole.
I know what she’s been through, but I just dove straight in. I should have asked if it was okay to touch her; I should have checked that every move I made was okay. I just thought from the way she was being with me that she was okay and that she was right there with me.
How fucking wrong was I?
She was quiet after that, not surprising. I drove us up to this ridge which is covered with wildflowers and has a great view of the canyon. I thought she would like it up there, and I was right. She seemed to perk up slightly, and was back to herself soon after, but not completely back to how she’d originally been with me. The openness from her and the sense of closeness it gave me was gone.
She’d shut down.
We ate, did some more sightseeing, and I made sure not to touch her the whole time.
It was hard, but I said I’d follow her lead and I meant it.
She didn’t make any move to touch me.
That was three days ago.
We haven’t kissed, touched, or held hands, since.
We’ve been to the movies, to dinner, just hanging out at the hotel, but it’s like we’re back to the way we were before – just friends.
Yesterday, we had another unsuccessful trip out to find her mother.
With only two Anna’s left, Mia couldn’t pick which one to go to, so she’d made me choose. Not easy to do, so I’d just shut my eyes and jabbed my finger at the paper. That was how I’d picked our next Anna to visit. I only wish I had got the other one because this one was the same as the last.
Not Mia’s Anna.
At first, I’d thought she was. Blonde and tiny, just like Mia. A really nice lady. When I’d told her why we were there, she took us inside, sat us in the living room and made us tea. Then she proceeded to tell us, in a really nice way, why there was no way she could be Mia’s mother.
She couldn’t have children.
To say I’d felt like complete shit was an understatement.
We chatted awhile, but I felt Mia slowly slipping farther away. I hated the feeling more than I could begin to express.
Anna offered us more tea, so out of politeness I’d said yes. As Anna got up to go to the kitchen, she’d paused and turned to Mia. “If I had been blessed with a child, then I would have wanted one as lovely as you.”
It had been a compliment, but it had hurt Mia. I could see it written all over her face…
“Are you okay?” I asked her quietly.
“Yes.”
I wasn’t sure if she had heard me or not. She was transfixed, watching Anna Monroe with curiosity. And longing. I could see it plain on her face. I knew Mia wished that she were her mother.
It made me hurt for her. And I worried that coming here had been a mistake. I was starting to think this search for her mother was causing her more harm than good, when Mia stood abruptly.
“You okay?” I asked again, getting to my feet and moving toward her.
Her blue eyes came to me, but she wasn’t there. She was already some place lost, and buried deep in those beautiful blues was panic. She thought she was hiding it, but I saw it.
Because I see her.
“I have to go,” she uttered, her eyes flitting to the front door.
I know when Mia needs to leave, there’s no small talk, no pleasantries. She just has to go – I’d figured that out from the visit to the first Anna Monroe.
Nodding, I took her cold hand. “Sure, babe. Let’s go.”
And I got her out of there.
Mia hadn’t talked the whole ride back home, and the instant we’d arrived, she’d just got out of the car, and went straight to her room.
I’d left her be.
I didn’t see her the whole night. I knew she needed space, so I gave it to her.
When she came out of her room this morning, she looked weary and drawn, not like herself at all. She told me she was going out, and I was disappointed.
I miss her.
I know it sounds crazy because I see her all the time, but I miss being able to touch her. Miss just being with her.