I feel kind of like I'm giving up. Or that I failed Mikael this week by leaving early. I don't say anything to Petr, knowing Mikael is never far from his thoughts, either. We wait quietly for Zach. When he comes, I hug Petr and go home.
In a way, I'm glad I'm leaving early. I'm not sure what would've happened between Sawyer and me, had I stayed. I can't quite understand my own feelings or why I suddenly need space, even from Petr, even if that means not watching over him to make sure he's okay.
There's too much stimulus here. I'm drowning in emotions and struggling to hang on to my anger about Mikael being gone, because it's the only thing that helps me through the day.
As we pull into the driveway of my home, I realize I can no longer summon the emotion to blame Sawyer Mathis. I'm angry with him, but it's tempered by the knowledge that both of us are suffering, and neither of us has healed from my brother's death. It's hard to blame someone that I innately want to help, someone broken like me.
I go to my room without saying hello to my father. I need to be alone right now. I need to sort through everything in my head.
***
A day passes and then a second and a third. Baba never does tell me why he pulled me out of camp. I wonder if it's the Brianna issue. If so, it's absolutely my fault for not being more mature about seeing her.
Petr sends pics, and I smile when I see them and save them, so I don't ever forget this week.
Captain Mathis, however, never bothers to text again. Not even one of his annoying Where are you messages that drove me crazy. I'm not sure what to think about his silence, except that maybe everything we went through this week was a matter of circumstances rather than any real attraction.
For him maybe. I end the week rawer than when I started it. The only good thing about this all: I don't have to be in the rain that started the day I left and continues to storm through Saturday. It washes out the barbecue the guys on Petr's team were supposed to have today. It's left them confined to the house and me avoiding the common areas downstairs, so I don't accidentally run into anyone.
I don't feel up to it, especially since I'm pretty sure Brianna was invited. Every time I mess up, she rags on me, and I'm sick of it. I tell myself this is the reason I don't go downstairs, but I'm pretty sure it's to avoid Sawyer Mathis and the complicated mess of emotions surrounding every interaction with him.