My wrist is killing me as I walk back to the dorms. It's not the pain that's at the forefront of my thoughts. It's the way Captain Mathis looked at me after I asked him if he's going to kiss me again later.
Because I really want that to happen, whether or not I should. I can't get over the way he kissed me last night and hugged me. Almost like he was concerned and definitely like he's attracted. I know we both feel what's between us, even if we don't talk about it. I'm not sure how to handle it, given that we sit on opposite ends of the spectrum in pretty much everything.
For the first time since meeting him, I think I understand better what he's been through. Why he's so cold. What surprises me: how right I was the first day here during our team building exercises when I guessed he was always alone. I can't blame him, really, not when I think of Jenna almost dying. It'd kill me if she did.
The guilt of knowing I should've been more aware is killing me now. She's so sweet and innocent … and she trusted me to take care of her.
How does Sawyer make it through the day with four deaths on his conscience? By staying numb to the world? What kind of life is that?
Why didn't I stop to think about what he's going through at any point over the past four months? How can he take the time for something like wrapping my wrist when I've been blaming him for Mikael's death?
I haven't been able to stop these thoughts since last night, when I fell asleep with Jenna in my arms.
Sawyer is human, someone hurting as much as I do. And that disturbs me for too many reasons. I want to help him and hate him, melt into his arms and run away.
I don't know what to think about him anymore.
"You swim in your clothes?" Petr calls as I enter the quad area.
I wave him away.
"Hey, Baba wants you home this morning."
"What?" I face him, not expecting this news. "Why?"
"Not sure. He called last night and said he needs you back."
I frown. "Is he okay?"
"I think so." Petr is hiding something. He has a little tell, a crunching of the corner of his right eye. I learned it when he was lying to doctors about his pain level, because he's too stubborn to admit when he needs help. "Zach is on his way to get you. I'll pack up your stuff and bring it by this afternoon."