It was in one of these short meetings, each apparently occupied in
admiring a fine display of greenhouse plants, that she said-"I have been thinking over the past, and trying impartially to judge of
the right and wrong, I mean with regard to myself; and I must believe
that I was right, much as I suffered from it, that I was perfectly
right in being guided by the friend whom you will love better than you
do now. To me, she was in the place of a parent. Do not mistake me,
however. I am not saying that she did not err in her advice. It was,
perhaps, one of those cases in which advice is good or bad only as the
event decides; and for myself, I certainly never should, in any
circumstance of tolerable similarity, give such advice. But I mean,
that I was right in submitting to her, and that if I had done
otherwise, I should have suffered more in continuing the engagement
than I did even in giving it up, because I should have suffered in my
conscience. I have now, as far as such a sentiment is allowable in
human nature, nothing to reproach myself with; and if I mistake not, a
strong sense of duty is no bad part of a woman's portion."
He looked at her, looked at Lady Russell, and looking again at her,
replied, as if in cool deliberation-"Not yet. But there are hopes of her being forgiven in time. I trust
to being in charity with her soon. But I too have been thinking over
the past, and a question has suggested itself, whether there may not
have been one person more my enemy even than that lady? My own self.
Tell me if, when I returned to England in the year eight, with a few
thousand pounds, and was posted into the Laconia, if I had then written
to you, would you have answered my letter? Would you, in short, have
renewed the engagement then?"
"Would I!" was all her answer; but the accent was decisive enough.
"Good God!" he cried, "you would! It is not that I did not think of
it, or desire it, as what could alone crown all my other success; but I
was proud, too proud to ask again. I did not understand you. I shut
my eyes, and would not understand you, or do you justice. This is a
recollection which ought to make me forgive every one sooner than
myself. Six years of separation and suffering might have been spared.
It is a sort of pain, too, which is new to me. I have been used to the
gratification of believing myself to earn every blessing that I
enjoyed. I have valued myself on honourable toils and just rewards.
Like other great men under reverses," he added, with a smile. "I must
endeavour to subdue my mind to my fortune. I must learn to brook being
happier than I deserve."