“Yeah, well, he didn’t say anything crude to me. He was actually a nice guy.”
“A nice guy?” He looked at me with disgust. “That’s why he was talking about bagging you to his friends, right? Real fucking nice, Leah.”
I froze, and my cheeks heated.
Great, so now I felt foolish.
“Didn’t you fucking notice how he was touching you when you were all over each other, dancing to my fucking song?”
“He lowered his hand a little –”
“He touched your ass and stared down your top, all the while smirking to his friends over your shoulder!”
“I didn’t know all that.”
“Well, you should’ve!”
“Yeah, because I’ve got eyes on the back of my head, right, Carter?”
“I’m being serious, Leah. You need to be mindful.”
I stared despondently at him, feeling the ache behind my eyes begin to form as I weakly said, “Okay, so you’re probably right about him.”
“Probably?”
I exhaled. “Fine. Completely.”
He nodded. “Exactly!”
“But how could you think that was all a show to make you jealous, Carter? Why are you looking for the worst in me?”
“It’s because of what happened before,” he replied. “At the table, when I referred to you as a friend. Since then, you haven’t been yourself.”
“And why do you think that is?”
“You’re pissed at me.”
I scoffed. “I’m not pissed enough at you to want to make you feel jealous. That’s not me and you know it.”
“Then I don’t understand! What is with you lately? Why can’t I get a single word out of you, Leah? I’m losing my mind here!”
I stared at him for a long moment, contemplating my next words. I thought of that incident, thought of what Melanie said, and my earlier thoughts about school coming up. All of it compounded into one and I felt crushed by the weight of it.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I told him quietly, staring down at the floor. “I can’t be around someone who’s unable to acknowledge who I am to him in front of other people.”
His jaw tensed. “What you are? Leah, I already told you I don’t do relationships.”
“I never signed up for you fucking me on the side and letting girls crawl all over you the next.”
He made a face. “I don’t ask them to be all over me.”
“It might help if you told them you were taken.”
He inhaled sharply, and I could see the frustration in him begin to rise. “This is fucked up.”
“Why? Do you enjoy the attention or something?”
“I don’t enjoy the attention at all! You’re the one that dragged me into this band shit, remember?”
“Oh, so I’m to blame for your inability to open your mouth and tell them to go away?”
He scoffed and shook his head. “And I thought I was the only jealous one here! You’ve never told me once until now that it bothers you when girls come up to me. Now you act like I’m fucking them behind your back –”
“That’s not what I’m saying!”
“Then what are you saying?”
“I’m saying you can’t have your cake and eat it too, Carter.”
His eyes widened. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”
He knew exactly what I meant. I wasn’t going to keep doing this. Not until he took the leap with me. He couldn’t touch me intimately and tell the world I was just his friend, while girls got to be all over him.
No, not anymore.
When there was jealousy in the mix, when anger started to set in and you began to hurt, that was indication enough our friends with benefits bullshit no longer applied.
“You need to decide what you want,” I told him shakily, swallowing hard as I realized the weight in my words. “You can’t expect me to just wait around for you.”
He ran a hand through his hair, staring in astonishment at me. “At this point, I didn’t think you were. I thought we liked how things are.”
“I don’t want to like how we are,” I expressed to him, with a knot in my throat. “I want to love it. I want to be invested in a person that is invested in me too. Instead, I feel like some spineless moron that’s taking you however way you’ll give me. I can’t keep doing that, Carter! You need to decide what you want.”
He was shocked. His body froze, and his hands closed into fists as he fought to contain his composure.
“You’re not thinking straight,” he said. “It’s been a hard few days. We’ll go to bed –”
“No, I’m not going to bed. I want you to decide right here and now, Carter –”
He rushed to me then, in two long strides. His hands flew to my face, forcing it up to him so he could kiss me. His mouth harshly pressed against mine, but I shook away from it and pushed him back. I wasn’t going to allow him to distract me with his touch. That wasn’t going to work anymore. I wouldn’t allow it.
“Don’t do this,” he whispered just then, hands still on me. “Don’t force my hand, Leah.”
I crossed my arms and looked away from him. My eyes ached from unshed tears because I knew exactly where this was going. “I am doing this,” I replied, surprised by how certain I felt. “We’ve been together in a way that you can’t call ‘just friends’ for months now. Either you want me or you don’t.”
“Of course I want you,” he immediately replied.
“Then be with me,” I pleaded.
“I am with you.”
“No, you’re holding back, Carter. I want all of you. I want us to be together. I want more. Why is that such a leap for you?”
His hands fell to his sides. There was a lost look on his face. He looked like a man at war with himself, still offering no response.
I felt my anger levels begin to rise. I couldn’t understand this. “Why can’t you commit?” I demanded, reaching the end of my rope. “I don’t understand! What has happened to you in your life to make you so…”
His eyes pierced into my own like daggers. “So what? Just say it.”
“So unfeeling!”
That was all it took for his fuse to blow. He took a step back, pointing at me as he harshly claimed, “I told you right from the beginning not to expect more from me!”