“You started this by kissing me, Carter! By filling my head with your words, by touching me the way you do! You wanted me to want you, and when you have me falling over my own two feet to have you, you just keep me at arm’s length, and I can’t keep living like this anymore. It hurts too much to be in love with someone that doesn’t want me as much as I want him.”
Tears fell from my eyes. It was like a dam had burst. I’d swallowed up the pain and it had sat there, swelling and swelling behind my eyelids, until it couldn’t hold back any longer. I wiped them away. I’d revealed my emotions entirely. I said the L word, something I was sure he wasn’t prepared for. But it was true, and I was sick of pretending.
Carter was stunned speechless, to say the least. For a second I considered taking my words back and forgetting this whole thing happened, but the easy way out seemed like a coward’s thing to do, and I didn’t want to be that for another second.
“You already know my answer,” he whispered through his shock. “So that’s it then, huh? You’re going to break this off because of some expected commitment I never ever gave you the illusion of giving.”
I just shook my head at him. “You’re lying to yourself. You know you want more too. You know we have something. You know it could be even more amazing. You know I love you. You’ve always known it.”
He stilled again, swallowing hard. He didn’t look me in the eye as he backed away to the doorway slowly. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
My mouth fell.
I felt like someone had punched me in the gut.
Or burned my insides until there was nothing left.
He was sorry I loved him?
“You’re a lot more broken than I ever thought you were,” I muttered lifelessly.
He turned away just then and left the room. He didn’t come back. He didn’t say another word to me for the rest of the night.
I stood in the centre of the room for the longest time in a complete daze. It was sheer force that made me crawl into bed. Even then my mind couldn’t let go of his words, and I was fighting back another dam of tears.
That was it? We were done just like that? Because I wanted more? It almost didn’t feel real. I kept waiting for him to come back to me. To wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me he’d made the wrong decision. But he didn’t.
Instead, I was more confused as ever. My hopes had been squandered. I’d spent so long believing in him, and thinking he would realize what I meant to him.
But no.
Everything after that night went to shit.
Carter
I wasn’t capable of more.
I needed simple.
I needed something beautiful without the pain.
I should have realized they came hand in hand.
Seventeen
He was MIA at the house for the five days that followed. He said he was spending time with Jared to write lyrics, but I knew it was just his way of staying away from me.
I thought about what I said to him all that time, and I realized I was absolute in my decision. I wouldn’t take it back. If he wanted me, here I was, but I was not going to take this friend bullshit for one more minute. It was terrifying waking up and having nobody to talk to. It was even more terrifying realizing my decision meant I was essentially alone now.
I didn’t cry anymore.
I was just angry.
We avoided each other when I worked. He watched me while he sat with the guys, but his face was usually screwed up in a glare. I was sure he was waiting for me to crumble and come crawling back to him. By the fourth day, his glare had turned into something less dissecting. He looked melancholy, and even when that look seared me on the insides, I kept my distance from him.
On the fifth morning, a hand nudged me awake. I opened my eyes immediately, hoping it was him. Instead, I was greeted by Rome’s face.
“Leah, we’ve gone viral,” he said to me.
He knelt down beside the bed, tapping his cell phone against his chin.
I frowned in confusion. The hell was he on about? “What? How the hell did you get inside?”
“I’ve got the spare key to the suite and you’ve been hiding out in here for days now. You know it’s noon, right? Anyway, doesn’t matter. We’re all over the internet. Some girl posted up a video of us last week and there’s something fucking crazy like two million views in six days.”
I rubbed my eyes and immediately sat up in bed. I was shocked. I couldn’t even speak for a moment as I digested his words. He was watching me carefully, a soft smile on his face.
“Who told you? When did you find out?”
“Jared just called me fifteen minutes ago,” he explained. “He told me there were links all over his Facebook of the video. There are hardly any thumbs down either, and it’s been shared forty thousand times already.”
“Wow.”
“Yeah!”
“Let me see the video.”
He handed me his phone. “It’s already on there. Just press play.”
I swiped the screen and watched it. The video was in surprisingly good quality, and it was one of the band’s more catchy songs. It wasn’t at the bar but at another gig they’d taken a while back. My chest warmed hearing Carter’s voice, singing with his hands wrapped around the microphone, looking like he was made for this. His heart poured out of him with his words, and I knew it was because of this very fact that made this song a particular hit.
The girls could be heard screaming just as the video ended, and I ended up scrolling through the comments below the video. The response blew me away, and a lot of the positive feedback had to do with Carter’s incredible vocals and, of course, his remarkably good looks. One person wrote, “This guy’s got everything: amazing voice, sexy as hell, and the song is fucking wicked.”
I laughed and shook my head in disbelief before I looked up at him. “This is insane, Rome.”
“You’re telling me.”
“Do the other guys know?”
“Jared said he’d call Leo up, and Carter’s crashing his place, so of course he knows.”
I felt a sting in my chest. Carter should’ve been the one here telling me about this.
“So what now?” I asked Rome. “Is this going to change things for you guys or something?”
“Jared said it might land us some more gigs. Our Facebook page has definitely blown up, and to think, Carter thought it was pointless having one before.” He scoffed and shook his head. “We’ll probably start our own channel on Youtube and try promoting ourselves some more. We’ve sent out our demos a long time ago, but with this video, you never know, we might hear back from somebody. We’ll put a bit of money in advertisements for gigs. If we get some more stuff out, we might get a bit of a following.”