This isn’t how it’s meant to go.
So why aren’t I stopping it?
Am I so desperate? Have I got some sort of syndrome?
Axel’s fingers slide over my panties, and I can’t stop the whimper that escapes my slightly parted lips. He makes a rumbling sound, and I feel it vibrating from his chest through to mine. His fingers move again, running up the soft silk that’s now damp with arousal. His cock is still lying heavily against my belly, and I’m still wondering if this is all really happening.
He presses his fingers firmly against my panties, right where my clit is, and I feel pleasure shoot through my pelvis and up my spine. I clench my teeth, despising myself for wanting him like this. His fingers move again, and more pleasure fills my body. Then he begins to rub, making small circles. It’s a skilled move, too skilled, and I know he’s awake. He’s with me on this; no one is that talented while sleeping.
Now it’s my choice to keep going, or to stop.
If I keep going, I’m giving him a part of myself that I’m not sure I’m willing to give. He confuses me. By day he’s a monster, cold and deadly. I see nothing but darkness when I look into his eyes. But by night, he’s just a man desperately seeking something to fix the hurts that haunt him. When he’s lying against me like this, I know a part of him has found that something to fix the pain. But I know if I give myself to him, there’s no going back for me.
I won’t be able to let him go.
But for myself, and for everything I’ve fought for, I know the choice is already made. I can’t give Axel that part of me until he’s willing to give me a part of him. Something, anything to show me there’s a piece of the man I once adored still there. Until he can give that to me, then I can’t give him what it seems he’s so desperately seeking. I reach down, and take hold of the hand that’s gently massaging my clit through my panties.
He stills.
I turn my head away, and roll as quickly as possible away from him.
“I’m sorry, Axel,” I whisper into the darkness. “But I can’t give you what you want, because you won’t give me what I want.”
Then I get out of the bed, and I walk out, leaving him there.
Alone.
Again.
~*~*~*~
AXEL
This can’t be fuckin’ happening right now. It can’t be going through my mind the way it is. She’s not meant to be consuming me, she’s not meant to fucking matter...so what’s this aching feeling in my chest that won’t leave whenever she’s around? I close my eyes, and clench my fists by my side. What the fuck was I thinking, letting her in my bed?
I’m giving away everything I’ve fought hard to build.
I get out of the bed. It’s been more nearly two hours, and I haven’t moved since she walked out, spewing some bullshit about me not giving her what she wants. What the fuck does she want? She can’t stand me, she’s made that very clear, and she sure as shit doesn’t trust me. What the fuck could she possibly want from me?
I aint’ got nothing to give anyone, except a damned good time.
I get up from the bed, and I hear the music pounding from the living room. Fuckin’ bastards never sleep. I get out, and don’t bother to put a shirt on, then I tuck my gun in my jeans. I do nothing without it. I walk out and head down the hall. I catch a glimpse of two of the guys fucking the bartender against the pool table in the main dining area, and I roll my eyes. Those fuckers couldn’t keep it in their pants if they tried.
When I step into the living room, the music is roaring, and the men are all laughing, smoking pot, and drinking some serious amounts of beer. They go a bit crazy during lockdown. The only thing they can do is get high, and fuck.
I move through the room, scanning them for Meadow. Unless she’s hiding out somewhere, then she’ll be in here.
Then I see her. She’s on Colt’s lap in the corner of the room, laughing hysterically at God knows what.
I see red.
And I don’t know why.
My fists clench, and I feel my breathing quicken. What the fuck is she doin’ on his lap, and what the fuck is he doin’ with his hand up her fuckin’ dress? I don’t recognize my actions, because all I can see is his hand where it shouldn’t be, and all I can hear is my heart thudding in my head. I pull out my gun and I lift it into the air, pulling the trigger. A loud, piercing boom fills the room, and everyone falls dead silent. The only sound to be heard is the music.
Colt sees me, and his eyes widen. His hand moves quickly from Meadow’s dress, and he grips her hips, lifting her and moving her off his lap. She’s still giggling, and her eyes are glassy. She looks high. No one gets eyes like that off just alcohol. I turn to the room, and through clenched teeth, I snarl, “Who fuckin’ gave her drugs?”
No one speaks.
“You fuckers. You filthy fuckin’ scumbags. If I find out which of you fuckers gave her drugs, I’ll put you in the motherfuckin’ earth where you belong.”
No one moves.
“Didn’t give her nothin’ boss, you know we don’t run anymore more than weed through the club, and she didn’t have any. I’ve been watching her,” Cobra says, finally speaking.
I turn to Meadow. “Get the fuck over here, now.”
“I didn’t take drugs,” she says, grinning.
“You’re fuckin’ lying.”
She shakes her head. “I’ve never had alcohol before, this is my first time,” she almost sings. “But I don’t do drugs.”