* * *
"Thanks for agreeing to come back here, Kenny," she said, unlocking
the front door of her place. "I know you probably would have preferred
to stay in your new house tonight."
"As long as I'm with you, I don't care where we are," he replied
truthfully, following her back to the pale peach leather sofas of the living
area, where they snuggled up together on the love seat. They'd spent a
beautiful evening out on the lanai, sharing meaningful conversation, along
with a good, casual meal.
Released from the burden of worry concerning Ken's reaction to the
truth, Maddy could at last relax and savor every second of their joyous
reunion. And with luminous moonlight shining on the Intracoastal
Waterway and romantic music filtering through wall-mounted speakers, it
rivaled any five-star dining experience.
Happily emboldened as they sat side-by-side on the patio dining table,
she sought the answers she'd once thought unattainable. "Kenny," she
asked, after swallowing a perfectly grilled piece of hamburger meat. "Can I
ask you something? It doesn't really matter now, but I have to satisfy my
curiosity. I never did get around to mentioning it to you before."
"What is it, sweetheart?" He braced for the worst, realizing that he
owed her nothing less than complete honesty; after all, she'd laid all her
cards on the table for him. He just prayed she'd be receptive to the real
story, no matter how painful.
"Remember the ski date we had planned? You were supposed to
drive up to my house from Somers Point, and we were going to head to
Big Boulder in the Poconos?" His heart sank with the remembrance of
that miserable time.
"Yes, I do," he replied quietly, staring down at his plate. Well, best to get
it over with. Besides, wasn't it ancient history anyway?"I waited for you for hours; took a day off from work and you never
showed up. Then you didn't return my calls for weeks afterwards. Not
even Kathy, your roommate, would tell my anything. It was so
unbelievably upsetting-felt like payback for everything I'd done to hurt
you before we got back together. And after we'd spent such a wonderful
Christmas and New Year's with my family, I just didn't get it. Why would
you do that to me? I was devastated."
"I know, sweetheart. I am so sorry," he acknowledged, looking her
directly in the eye.
Maddy continued, "Then when you finally called-like months later,
you told me you'd moved to Florida and that you missed me so much.
You practically begged me to move here and promised to be my date for
Greg's wedding. Then after you didn't get back to me about that I called
to confirm with you and you blew me off, saying you couldn't get the time
off from work. For months after that, you'd call and cry about how much
you loved me. And when I was finally ready to make the move, you
started pushing me away-"
"Oh, Madeline, I am truly sorry about all of that." He was genuinely
remorseful as he took her hands and turned to face her.
"That time period? That was the darkest point in my life, just as your
anxiety problem was for you. It was the absolute lowest period I can ever
remember. I got fired from my job but I was too embarrassed to tell you.
I'd fallen behind on my mortgage payments and ended up selling my
townhouse to a high school friend's father. It was debilitating-like I'd
just taken a huge, gigantic step backwards after working so hard to
accomplish something. I felt like a total failure."
"What happened at the plant?" Her voice was soft and low.
"Well one of the supervisors-this guy I used to have a good
relationship with until I met you-had been picking fights with me for a
long time. I did my best to ignore it, but he was such an instigator. And
one day, I guess I'd had enough and I clocked him. Broke his arm, bruised
his ribs-"
"Oh my God, Kenny. He must've really asked for it!"
"You have no idea," he laughed ironically, remembering Quentin's
snide, nasty insults.
"But what did any of it have to do with me? I never even met those
guys!"
"True, but Madeline you were all I spoke of at work from the night
we met. Remember all of our phone calls? I'd dial your number just to
hear your voice every chance I got. Most of those guys couldn't tolerate
the fact that a classy, nice girl like you actually wanted to be with me-you
know-a blue-collar, ex-Navy sailor without an education."
She was suddenly filled with remorse for having proven his cruel coworkers
right, thanks to her sheer unwillingness to fight for him-for
their relationship. Instead, she'd allowed her own powerful insecurities to
create an impenetrable barrier between them. Letting go of him had
seemed to be the best option; it freed her from having to deal with
grown-up emotions and conflicts.
"Oh Kenny, I am so sorry. You know, I always considered you my
equal in every way. In fact, in some ways I felt inferior to you-this brave
man of the world who'd served his country honorably and had earned
everything he had through hard work and perseverance. You were amazing
to me-this larger than life personality, always laughing and upbeat, and
so very patient where I was concerned. You never once pressured me to
do anything I wasn't ready to do.
"I guess in many ways that was the problem-I was such a little girl. I
felt like I wasn't being fair to you, expecting you to be happy with kissing
and holding my hand, even though you were so good about it. And
whenever you would talk of marriage, I would absolutely panic, thinking
of-you know, our wedding night. I was scared to death of sex back then."
"Wow Madeline, I wish I'd known. I mean, I kind of knew you were
apprehensive about it but I just never realized the extent of it. Why didn't
you share any of this with me, sweetheart? All I remember is thinking how
beautiful you were and how much I hated it when you would put yourself
down. You had no idea how attracted I was to you, but I was truly headover-
heels. I would've waited for you for as long as it took, and if we had
gotten married, I would've done everything in my power to make our
wedding night beautiful for you. You gotta know I would have been so
careful and considerate-my God Maddy, you were everything to me!"
"Yes, I get that now, Kenny," she sighed. "But back then, I was a
wreck, trying to cope with all of these conflicting emotions. I so wish I had
confided in you. But as it turns out, I am kinda glad things evolved the
way they did. I mean, I had no idea I had pelvic floor dysfunction. Could
you imagine how awful our honeymoon would've been after all of that
build-up? And I firmly believe part of the reason I am living here in
Florida is because that's where the answers were for me. I doubt I
would've ever found a women's physical therapist like Carla in
Pennsylvania or New Jersey, let alone an understanding doctor. And
forget asking my parents about it; that never would've happened."
"I'm so sorry you had to go through that, sweetheart," he said,
placing a tender kiss on her cheek, "not to mention everything else. But
it's all behind you now-nothing but blue skies ahead." Maddy smiled as a
lone tear trickled down her face; Ken gently brushed it away.
"Well, the good news for you teddy bear is that I really like it a lot
now!" she teased suggestively, hoping to lighten the mood.
"Really? Well, I guess that makes me a very lucky boy! But only when
you're ready," he added.
"Hmmm, well we'll see if you can keep up with me," she cracked. But
before he could respond, she grew serious again, "Ken, please finish the
rest of the story."
"Well, right around the time I sold my townhouse, my parents had
bought a small condo in Pompano Beach for a steal. By then, my father
and I had sort of reached an understanding, and they both thought it
might be good for me to get away and start over. I think he really felt bad
about what happened at work. And by then, I'd had enough of the Jersey
Shore and was more than ready to get away-except for one thing."
"Erin," Maddy completed his thought.
"Yes," he sighed sheepishly. "Ok, I might as well tell the truth; I met
her through a mutual friend sometime after you'd sent me your rejection
letter." She winced as she remembered that little piece of literature.
"Go on," she urged. "Look Madeline, at first I didn't want to be
bothered, but when I figured there was no chance for us, I thought, what
the hell. I wanted to settle down and get married. So I agreed to go on the
date. And while she wasn't you, I did develop strong feelings for her.
Then you shocked the hell out of me by inviting me to the Eagles-Vikings
game and before I knew it I was spending Christmas week and New
Year's with you and your family."
"That was the best New Year's Eve I've ever had in my entire life,"
she confessed softly, thinking back to all of the fun they'd had dancing
and joking around with her siblings and their dates at The Media Inn.
"Me too," he agreed. "And then of course, after that my whole world
fell apart, and Erin was there for me. I know it's probably hard to hear
this, but she was willing to move; she had a career that was easily
transferable and even though she was an only child, her parents were
completely onboard with it. They really liked me. Look, I am sorry for
hurting you Madeline. I was wrong and I admit that. I hurt you deeply.
And after listening to you tonight I feel even worse about it. But if it
makes you feel any better, I've paid the price for going through with a
marriage I had second-thoughts about."
"Why?"
"I loved Erin; don't get me wrong. I truly did. And in the beginning it
was very exciting. Then things started to fizzle, but my mom kept telling
me that real love wasn't just about intense physical attraction. And I
thought that made a lot of sense. So, Erin eventually joined me in Florida,
once she found a great job in Miami. The excitement came back and it
was fun again for a while. That is-until you threw a wrench into
everything by moving down. And I bear a huge responsibility for that; like
you said, I begged you to join me for almost a full year. That was when
Erin and I had parted company and I realized I still loved you.
"But when you kept refusing my offer over and over again, I
eventually gave up. Then Erin and I rekindled our relationship and moved
into our own apartment in Aventura. And one day you showed up at my
real estate office. God, I was so torn apart, especially when seeing you
brought back all of those same incredible feelings. But I just couldn't
dump Erin; not after she'd uprooted her whole life for me."
"That's understandable Kenny," Maddy sighed, recognizing her own
role in this tumultuous drama. "Do you remember that one time when
you showed up at my first apartment in Boca Del Mar to tell me you'd
gotten engaged?" He nodded his head. "By the way, it took a lot of guts
for you to do that; you could've taken the easy way out by just calling me
on the phone, but you didn't.
"Anyway, sometime after that, I had a dream that you'd broken off
your engagement. God, it had been so vivid and real that I actually woke
up believing it to be true. And then, oddly enough, you showed up again
on my doorstep a few days later unannounced, and we ended up talking
by the pool for what? Four hours or so?
"I specifically remember you saying something about how you hoped
the excitement would come back after you were married. I just sat there
wondering why you would share all of that with me, as if I were going to
give you advice-or worse, come between the two of you and your
solemn commitment. Yes, it was killing me inside to have to face the
harsh reality of you marrying another woman, but being a home-wrecker
had never been my style. I wouldn't have dared talk you out of it, no
matter how badly I was hurting."
Ken remained silent for a moment, pushing his salad around on his
dish with his fork. He well remembered those days and their
accompanying torment.
"Madeline, I have a confession to make. The truth is I was really a
coward; I was having second thoughts about marrying Erin because deep
down, I still loved you. Didn't you get that? That's why I came by to tell
you about the engagement in person. And the more we talked the more I
realized what a terrible mistake I was making. But I couldn't figure out
where you stood because you seemed as if you'd happily moved on-to
the point of telling me about all the dates you'd had. If I'd known you still
had any ounce of feeling left for me, I might not have ever gone through
with the wedding."
"Really?" she asked softly.
"Really," he confirmed. "God, as we sat in that apartment, talking like
old times, it hit me like a ton of bricks that you were the girl I wanted to
marry. The one who appreciated simple gestures and genuine tokens; the
one whose face would light up over a beautiful view of the ocean from
several stories high; and the one who would always listen to me with such
interest and compassion. Even when it came to less important things, like
watching Eagles games together or throwing a football on the beach, it
was obvious you were the one for me, not Erin. We were so compatible,
Maddy. And just being in the same room with you made my heart race."
"Same here, Kenny," she whispered. "But I couldn't show that to you
then. I was just so angry, upset and overwhelmed about everything. I
didn't even know Erin; it didn't seem right to hurt a woman I'd never
met, just because you and I couldn't get our act together. I truly believed
that the honorable thing was to step aside; if you came back to me, great.
If not, then you and I weren't meant to be.
"But I wanted you to come back to me on your own, not because of
anything I did or said. And I'm ashamed to admit this, but I was just too
proud to give you the satisfaction of knowing I still loved you. I was
determined to succeed without you, to prove to you and me that I didn't
need you."
"Well, you certainly did that, sweetheart. I am so very proud of you;
it's just another quality that distinguishes you from every other woman
I've ever known. If I had half your courage, I would never have gone
through with the marriage, regardless. I think a huge part of it was guilt
over potentially hurting her, disappointing both sets of parents and
wanting to have a family."
"And you have two beautiful children," she reminded him. "They are
the best things to come out of all of this."
"Yes, they are; I wouldn't trade them for anything." He gazed out at
the dock as he spoke.
"It is interesting to look back, though," she noted. "I also remember
that you called her on your cell from my place, but didn't tell her where
you were. And then you told me about how she'd given you a hard time
about buying her rollerblades for Valentine's Day, even though it was
something she really wanted. Let's see; there was something else-ah yes,
she was also mad because the two of you hadn't been spending enough
time together!"
"God, how do you remember all this, Maddy?"
"You forget I am also a lifelong keeper of personal journals. Once
most of my memories of you flooded back to me earlier this year, I finally
found the courage to pull them out and read them-quite a revelation, let
me tell you!"
"Ok, well let me just make you a promise right here and now,
Madeline Rose. From this moment on, I am going to give you nothing but
uplifting material to write in your diary. We're starting over for real this
time. And someday when you're an old lady reading your journals, all
you'll do is smile and laugh-and maybe even blush-remembering all the
crazy, fun times we had. Got that?"
Returning his high-five with gusto, she cracked up. "Got it!" she
agreed.