I made a plate, ’cause I knew Mom would flip a lid if I didn’t, but as the rest of my family dug into their tacos, I only nibbled on a piece of lettuce. Everyone asked Dustin about his time away, which allowed me to sit and stew in silence. I didn’t want them to ask about my first day. I didn’t want to think about my first day. Or my second, third, fourth…
Luck wasn’t with me though. As soon as Dustin had a break in recounting his heroics, he asked me, “So, Griffin, Chesley tells me you changed jobs, and today was your first day. How was it? Anybody recognize you from the band? Ask for a signature?”
By the look on his face, I knew he sincerely meant that. He didn’t realize the way people saw me now. The way the general public saw me. I didn’t want to tell him either. It was embarrassing to admit that I had been recognized…and laughed at.
Admitting the truth wasn’t an option, but my lie kind of sucked too, just for a different reason. “No…nobody recognized me.”
Dustin seemed as disheartened to hear that as I was to say it. “Oh, well…that’s probably for the best anyway.” He gave me an award-worthy smile. “Knowing a celebrity was in their midst would be distracting.”
My smile was brief. Yeah…distracting.
Dustin seemed about to ask me more, but luckily Liam asked him a technical question about fighter jets. Dustin hadn’t worked on or around planes, but I guess Liam just assumed he’d be an expert on them since he was in the military. Jackass.
While Dustin told him the tidbits he did know, I zoned out. My gaze returned to Chelsey as she watched her husband and ate her taco. She looked so satisfied just staring at him. It made me wonder if all Anna and I’d had was physical. Was Anna happy with me when it came to the nonsexual side of our relationship? I wanted to believe she was, but I really wasn’t sure. She must not have been if she left. And you must not have been if you let her leave.
Pushing that nagging thought from my brain, I rewound to a simpler time…a time when we’d been happy, with no cares in the world. It had been back when we were just fooling around—fuck buddies. The best of both worlds. Not really, but that was what I’d been telling myself at the time.
We’d just left a restaurant in Seattle and were walking back to the car. When I’d parked us down by the pier, we hadn’t been sure where we wanted to eat, and we’d wandered almost a dozen blocks to find this little hole-in-the-wall Irish pub with great beer and awesome food.
Stuff like that happened a lot with Anna. We’d play it by ear, go where the wind took us, and wind up having an amazing night. But after leaving the pub, we were both too stuffed to make the long trip back to my car. We hadn’t been sure what to do when I’d suddenly spotted the answer.
“Let’s take a horse carriage ride.” I pointed in front of us to where a white stallion was hooked up to a carriage lined with red roses. It was a pretty romantic setup, but at the time, I’d just wanted to get off my feet for a while.
“But that won’t get us any closer to the car. It goes in a circle.”
Nodding, I started pulling her toward the carriage. “Yeah, it will get us a little closer if we bail halfway through…and if we don’t, we’ll at least get to work on these food babies.” I grabbed my stomach with my free hand and Anna laughed. God, I loved that sound.
“Sounds good. Let’s do it!” Her eyes had shone in that adventurous way she had, and I’d known right then and there that this girl would be my undoing. Gorgeous, sexy, horny, and ready to have a good time at the drop of a hat…she was pretty much me with boobs.
When the carriage driver told me how much the ride was, I’d almost reconsidered, but Anna had been cooing at the horse and making kissy faces; I paid him without a second thought. Holding a hand out for her, I helped her into the carriage. It smelled, but Anna was smiling so much, I hadn’t cared. We could have been sitting in the middle of a sewage treatment plant and I would have been happy. And turned on. The curve of her sultry lips went straight to my libido.
The driver flicked the reins, and the horse began its pointless journey. With the distinctive clip-clop of its hooves against the road as our background music, Anna and I leaned back in the seat and relaxed. Pulling her tight to my side, I’d tried to ignore the emotion swelling in my chest. It was just a by-product of the surroundings. I wasn’t developing feelings for her. She was a great lay—no, an amazing lay—one I wanted to experience over and over again, one who made every other girl seem like a floundering virgin…but that was all she was to me. Sex.
God, I’d been such a fucking idiot.
Looking back on the moment now, it was easy to label the emotion that had begun to bubble that night. I’d been falling in love with her, and I would have done anything to avoid admitting that. It was so cliché, overused, and…mainstream. I hated the word on principle. Even now, I never…
I stared at my plate as empty realization hit me. I never tell her I love her. She’d even called me on it, and I hadn’t changed my pattern. Why was it so hard for me to say that word? To her. To my kids. To my family. To my band…Was I rebelling against something that didn’t need to be rebelled against? Maybe the word was overused…but maybe that was because it was the only word that accurately described how important someone was. Not saying it was like trying to pretend the sun didn’t exist by staying indoors all the time—ridiculous and futile. Even without acknowledging it, I’d still experienced it that night, and if I were honest, I’d experienced it every night after. I was experiencing it now, only now the feeling was laced with pain, because the girl of my dreams wasn’t sitting beside me in that carriage anymore. She was completely out of reach.