“Well, his semester abroad ended, and he went back to Paris. I was devastated, of course,” she adds., “We shared lots of teary long-distance calls, and then he invited me to go out and be with him that summer.”
“What?” I gape. “You didn’t go.”
“Oh, I did.” Mom smiles. “I packed up my things and spent all my savings on a ticket. Your grandfather swore he’d disown me, but I didn’t care. I remember meeting Jean-Claude at the airport in Paris, it felt like the most romantic thing in the world.”
“I can’t believe this,” I breathe, the salad long-since forgotten. “What happened next? Why didn’t you stay?”
“Oh, it was a disaster,” Mom says cheerfully. “We were crammed in his tiny attic in the city, and fought day and night. Jean-Claude ended up cheating on me with Lord knows how many girls. I’d only been there three weeks when I walked in on him making out with the woman from down the hall. I called Grandpa and had my flight booked back home that same night.”
“So it was a mistake,” I say, strangely disappointed. “You should never have gone after him.”
“No, getting on that flight to Paris was one of the best things I ever did.” Mom gives me a quiet smile. “If I hadn’t gone, I would have spent the rest of my life wondering about him, regretting what might have been. This way, when I met your father in that lecture the next semester, I knew Jean-Claude was in the past. And I knew exactly what I needed in a real relationship.”
“Someone solid and dependable,” I reply. “Not a reckless bad boy.”
“Someone who made me feel like the most beautiful girl in the world,” Mom corrects me with a smile. “Someone who could send my heart racing, but who would never let me down. Your father may not have been as wild as Jean-Claude, but he still made me feel like I was flying —because I knew he would always catch me before I hit the ground. Reckless is one thing,” she adds. “But if you can find a man who makes you feel safe too…Well, that’s real magic.”
A sob suddenly wells in my throat. Laying in Dex’s arms, I’ve never felt safer. Totally secure. Completely loved.
“Oh sweetie.” My mom comes and puts her arms around me, and I realize my answer must be written all over my face.
“It’s fine,” I lie. “It wasn’t meant to be.”
She tuts at me. “You’ve always been so worried about doing the right thing, I’m afraid you’re missing out on experiencing life.” She pulls back, stroking my hair like I’m a kid again. “I want you to have a full life, sweetheart, and sometimes that means making mistakes, taking a risk with your heart. Otherwise you might wake up and find you’ve let love pass you by, and there’s no greater regret than that.”
I shiver, remembering what Dex said to me, the very first night I arrived at the beach house. That he’d rather regret the things he’d done than the things he didn’t do.
I’ve been playing it safe my whole life. Following the rules, careful and quiet. Even my crush on Hunter was a way of keeping control: focusing all my hopes and dreams on a man who might never love me back, just so I didn’t have to go out and bare my heart to the world. Try something real.
Risk getting hurt.
Dex demanded everything from me: body and soul. He didn’t settle for casual, he wanted more, and was brave enough to ask me for it.
But I was too scared to say yes. Too timid to take his hand and make that leap.
And now…?
Now I’ve lost the realest thing I’ve ever known.
I stay for dinner, and spend the night too, wrapped safe in my old comforter in the room I grew up in. But I can’t hide from my problems for long: there are already three late-night voicemails from my boss when I wake up, and so I quickly get in the car and head back to my apartment in the city. I rush upstairs, trying to figure out my schedule for the day. I figure I just have time to shower and change before heading into work for—
I round the corner and stop. Someone’s waiting outside my apartment, sitting cross-legged on the floor in a patchwork vintage dress, working in her sketchbook.
She sees me and scrambles to her feet. “Alicia. You know we need to talk. You’ve been avoiding all my calls.”
It’s Brit.
33.
My stomach drops. I wish the floor would open wide and swallow me up. I’ve been pretending like the scene back at the wedding never happened—that Brit didn’t overhear how I’ve been in love with her boyfriend for years.
Not her boyfriend anymore, I correct myself. Her husband.
“I’m late for work,” I try to excuse myself, my skin flushing bright red. “I really don’t have time—”
“Bullshit.” Brit plants herself in my doorway. “Come on, Alicia, we need to talk. Please?” Her expression isn’t angry, just determined, and with her blocking my way, there’s no way around it—save running away. But I already did that once, and it hasn’t solved anything.
Reluctantly, I nod. “But only for a minute,” I add quickly. “That wasn’t an excuse. I really do have to get to the office.”
“Fine, a minute.” Brit stands aside so I can unlock the door. “We just want to know that you’re OK.”
We…
I freeze. “You told Hunter?” I gasp, panic flooding through my system.
Brit quickly shakes her head. “No, I promise, I didn’t say anything about…that. I just told him about the fight with Dex, that you guys broke up. That’s why he’s been calling,” she explains. “He wanted to check how you’re doing.”