“I didn’t realize she had company. Could you just give her a message for me?”
“Sure.”
“Let her know Chelsea called and I already spoke to Shane, not to worry. He is terribly heartbroken, but I will make sure he gets through this.”
The blood drained from my face as I let the phone slide from my ear. I began counting down from twenty in my head as I struggled to keep the anxiety from rising.
“Who is it?” May mouthed quietly as she entered the room, snapping me back to reality.
“I’ll give her the message.” I quickly hung up the phone so I wouldn’t have to hear another word. My hand immediately covered my belly as the other braced against the counter.
“Jenn, who was it?” May asked again as she herself began to panic, wondering what more bad news could come our way.
“Those damn telemarketers,” I mumbled as I rubbed my hand over my stomach. “I should go. I forgot I have an appointment.”
“I thought your next appointment was a few weeks from now.”
“It is. This is for the dentist,” I lied, as I made my way to the front door. “I’ll call you later.” I slipped outside and hurried to Shane’s car. When safely inside, I let my head fall against the steering wheel and sobbed. I didn’t notice May coming out of the front door and running to the car until the door pulled open.
“Whatever she said, you need to ignore it.”
“Who?” I wiped the tears from my eyes as I looked at May.
“I have caller ID on my phone, Jenn. I know you talked to Chelsea.”
“How could he?”
“He wouldn’t.”
“She knew about Owens. She said she already talked to Shane.”
May sank down to eye level.
“If he talked to her, it was for a good reason. Don’t give up on him, Jenn. Chelsea did and that is why he is with you.”
“Oh, so I’m the consolation prize?” I spat angrily as I pushed down on the brake pedal and pushed the button to start the car.
“You know that’s not what I meant.”
“I need to be alone.” I stared out of the windshield, refusing to look May in the eye. I didn’t want to break down more than I already had.
“Fine.” May stood and took a step back from the car. “Just remember he needs you right now.”
I nodded and grabbed the handle of the door, pulling it closed before I pulled out of the dirt driveway and sped down the road. I couldn’t think, couldn’t count if I wanted to. My heart was racing. I had never felt for anyone the way I felt for Shane. I loved him and wanted more than anything to have him by my side.
I put the car in park and threw the door open as the tears came again. I rounded the front of the car and leaned against the black iron railing that lined the bridge, gripping it so tightly my knuckles turned white.
Shane
August 19, 2010, 6:00 p.m., Davis Cemetery, Texas
I wanted to pay respect to my friend, my battle buddy who lost his life because I wasn’t able to protect him, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t look Ryan’s mother in the eye and know I had failed her. It was my job to have his six. I shook my head as I stared at the gravel between my shoes. What if I couldn’t protect my child? What if I never made it home to meet him?
“It’s time,” Sgt. Gallery said as he exited the funeral home. I glanced up at him, the sun behind him forming a large halo around his head.
“I’m ready,” I lied as I squinted my eyes.
“I got some water in the van. You look like you’re burning up.”
“It’s this heat.” I stood and steadied myself on my feet before following Gallery to the van.
I rehearsed every step of the funeral in my head, worried I would misspeak and ruin this for Owens. I only had a few minutes to get my head on straight. I grabbed a bottle of water and drained the contents as we pulled into the cemetery we had visited earlier.
“You ready?” Gallery asked as he put the van in park. The van was quiet. Too quiet. It was unnerving for many of these soldiers to attend a funeral and know that one day they may be sent to the very place that others lost their lives.
I simply nodded and opened my door, looking around at the guests who had gathered near Owens’s gravesite. My last memory of a funeral for someone I knew was my own mother’s. I clung to my aunt during the entire event and wished I could do that again today with Jenn. I needed her here to ground me again the way she had during my leave.
We lined up in rows of three with me between them in the rear and began to march to the hearse. I slowly opened the door at the rear of the vehicle and inhaled deeply as I took in the site of the casket draped in the American flag. My heart began to thud in my chest as I ran my fingers over the fabric, making sure it was perfectly straight before wrapping my fingers around the handle so tightly my knuckles burned.
“Ready, take.” My voice was barely audible as I took a small step backward, pulling the casket into the sunlight. A soldier on each side linked their fingers in the handles along the side.
“Ready, step.” I released my handle and came to attention with my arms at my sides. Now isn’t the time for me to mourn. That time will come when I am alone in my room. Now I need to be strong for Ryan’s mother. I inhaled again, my uniform feeling too tight across my chest.
“Ready, take.” The next two soldiers in line grabbed ahold of the handles.
“Ready, step.” I stepped back again as the four soldiers pulled the casket farther out of the vehicle. This wasn’t how we’re supposed to come home. We were supposed to be welcomed by cheers and thanks.
“Ready, take,” I called one last time as the third row of soldiers placed their hands in the handles lining the casket.
“Ready, step.”
Jenn
August 19, 2010, 6:00 p.m., Kissing Bridge, Maine
My stomach ached as the muscles contracted with each sob. I slipped my leg over the railing of the bridge and steadied myself before following with the other leg. I gripped the iron railing behind me as I leaned out to look down at the blue water flowing wildly beneath me.
I couldn’t handle another heartbreak like I had with Thomas. I couldn’t smile and pretend I was all right, not with a baby to take care of. Gasping for breath, a full-blown anxiety attack had set in and my knees shook as I begged and pleaded to no one to make it stop.
Wind whipped my hair across my face, causing it to stick to the tears that streamed down my cheeks.
“Just throw her in. She will learn to swim.” My mother waved her hand dismissively as I flailed in my father’s arms.
“You are embarrassing us!” He struggled to keep his grip on me as he dragged me toward the pool.
“Please don’t! Please! I’m scared, Daddy!” I pleaded as I brought my foot back, hitting him in the shin.
“You little brat!” he growled between clenched teeth as my body lurched forward, suddenly free from his grip. Before I could comprehend what had happened, cold water slapped against my side. I took in a deep breath in shock, filling my lungs with the chlorinated water. The light from the sun grew farther from reach as I sank to the bottom of the pool.
Shane
August 19, 2010, 6:10 p.m.
I could faintly hear the preacher speaking over the casket as the soldiers got into position behind their weapons they had left there earlier.
“Take, arms.” The six soldiers who had carried the casket flanked the guard. In unison, they reached forward and grabbed hold of their M16.
“Ready, take.” They stepped back with weapons at attentions, the butt stocks in the dirt as they wait for their next command. My eyes focused on the priest, waiting for his signal. My gaze drifted to Ryan’s mother sitting in the front center of the other guests. Her head hung in her hands, her blonde hair covering her face. Another woman rubbed over her back as she brushed back her own tears. Everyone’s eyes focused on the flag before them except a young boy who kicked at the dirt below his shoes and turned to face away from the casket.
“Let him be, Joe,” Janet whispered to her husband as she ran her hand over her son Jake’s head. I wandered farther from the gravesite, staring off into the tree line at the edge of the cemetery. I thought of running off into the woods. I could build a tree house and live by himself so I wouldn’t have to be asked if I was all right anymore. I wasn’t. My heart was broken and the one person I thought I could count on for the rest of my life was ripped away from me without so much as a good-bye. I slowly inched further away from the group before a hand landed on my shoulder.
“Shane, I’ll go with you.” Jake looked down at his cousin and smiled.
The priest nodded to me, pulling me from my painful memory and back into my painful present.
“Port, arms.” The soldiers picked up their weapons and held them across their chests.
“Ready.” Everyone charged their weapons at the same time putting a round in chamber.
“Aim.” They stepped back with their right foot and aimed their weapons over the casket.
“Fire.” As the sound of the guns firing filled my ears, I was immediately back in Iraq.
“Owens! Owens!” My voice broke as I screamed louder, my body immediately hitting the ground. The shots rang out around us from both sides.
The soldiers stepped back into position with their guns held across their chests.
“Ready.” The guns loudly clicked the next round into the chamber as the crowd of onlookers watched silently.
“Aim.” I took another deep breath, preparing for the onslaught of memories to rush through my mind again.
“Fire.”
“He’s not breathing! Owens wake up!” I grabbed Ryan by the vest and pulled him along the dusty path out of harm’s way as my muscles burned and ached.
“Ready.”
“Aim.”
“Fire.”
“Taps” filled my ears, the song of a lost soldier. I was thankful that the music was a distraction from my memories. I needed to keep it together long enough for the folding of the flag.
Jenn
August 19, 2010, 6:15 p.m.
I stepped forward onto the ledge below the railing and sunk down until I was sitting with my knees against my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself as I tried desperately to push my fears aside.
I believed Shane when he told me he loved me. That made everything so much harder. From all of my sadness and heartache, I had met this stranger who took the time to make me feel cared for and now that was crumbling around me.
Chelsea was just another Gail, another person who only thought of themselves and was completely oblivious to the lives they shattered around them. But I couldn’t compare Thomas and Shane. They were polar opposites. Thomas had always said the things he thought I wanted to hear, but Shane showed me his love. That made this entire situation that much more heartbreaking. I wanted to run and retreat within myself like I always had when someone hurt me, but this time it was different. I wanted the pain to stop, but I wanted Shane more. I wanted to fight for the man who saw something in me when I felt like nothing.
Knowing Shane was in America right now and I couldn’t run to him was killing me. I knew he was hurting and I was who he wanted to take away all of his fears, not her. It was never her, no matter what she says to me. The brief time we had together played over in my head like a broken record. He was hurt, damaged, when I met him, and she was the cause of his pain.
Trust was all we had in this type of relationship, but it was hard to trust someone who kept themselves so guarded.
Shane
August 19, 2010, 6:26 p.m.
I stood at the head of the flag-draped coffin as the three soldiers on either side waited for their commands from Sgt. Gallery. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the three shell casings, squeezing them and letting them dig into the flesh of my palm.
“Ready, down,” Sgt. Gallery said as all the men made eye contact and bent down to grip the edge of the flag. “Ready, step.” They stood and pulled the flag tight, stretching it flat above the casket. “Ready, fold.” Their hands met over the casket. My eyes went unfocused in the blistering heat of the sun. I wanted more than anything to be in North Carolina. I needed to hear Jenn’s laugh and believe everything was right with the world.
I wondered what it would be like for her to have to sit alongside my casket. I wasn’t sure I would be able to keep my promise to come home to her. Now, nothing seemed possible and the idea of her having to bury me was excruciating. Chelsea wasn’t weak for leaving me. It was self-preservation and no matter how much I hated what she did, she did the right thing to protect herself.
Gallery tucked the last sliver of flag into the triangle. He cradled it against his chest in his arms, pointing up as he made a half-right face. I followed suit making a half-left face so we were facing each other. As I watched the flag lower in his hands, I realized that the hardest part had yet to come. I would have to look Owens’s mother in the eye and not break down. I inspected the perfect corner of the flag and slipped one of the shell casings inside the fabric. Gallery turned the flag in his hands, and I repeat the process on the remaining corners, while my mind raced as I struggled to remember the words I had to say. As Gallery raised the flag to his chest, I saluted it saying good-bye to my friend. We both lowered our arms, and I took possession of the flag, the memory of my battle buddy. My heart was thudding in my chest as I approached Ryan’s mother. I only wanted to tell her how sorry I was, how it should have been me. I kneeled down before her as the tears poured from her sad gray eyes.
“This flag is presented on behalf of a grateful nation and the United States Army as a token of appreciation for your loved one’s honorable and faithful service.”