Apprehension gripped me and I froze. Was this the part where she berated me? Called me a sullen teenager?
“You said you know what happened to me as a kid, but I somehow doubt that. At least I hope you don’t know.” Her words were bitter. “I grew up in a very bad house, Comet.”
Something in the way she said it made my heart thump hard, like without her having to say the actual words, I knew that bad meant something far more sinister.
“I never wanted you to be as lonely as I was growing up,” she whispered, the words thick and drawn, like they were being pulled through the resistance of thick mud. “I never meant for that with you. I’m...just...this is me.” She shrugged, seeming exhausted, defeated, and yes, ashamed. “I am who I am, and I probably won’t ever change. If I was a stronger person I’d try, although I reckon it’s too late now anyway.” For the first time in my life my mother looked at me with longing. “I wish I was stronger. I wish I was different. That I could be the kind of parent you deserve. And I’m sorry I couldn’t be what you needed. But I am not sorry you turned out the way you did. I know you think I don’t see you, but I do. And you are so much braver, stronger and truer than I’ll ever be. Be thankful for that, kid.” She stood up and walked toward the door. “Be thankful that you turned out better than either of your parents.”
She left, shutting the door behind her.
I stared at the closed door for a while, trying to process her words. Finally, exhausted in body but now awake in mind, I flopped onto my back and gazed up at the glow-in-the-dark stars stuck to my ceiling.
The happy ending that in my hearts of hearts I’d one day hoped to find with my parents had just been obliterated by Carrie’s confession. In that happy ending I’d dreamed of my parents admitting they had been wrong to treat me so negligently and then we’d start all over again as a happy, close-knit family, where love was shared without jealousy or insecurity.
However, both of them had admitted in the last twenty-four hours that they weren’t capable of that. Yet...they’d also made an admission of wrongdoing. That was something. Not everything, but it was something to hold on to.
The hope that I could have a dream relationship with them had finally died. But the more I lay there thinking it over, the more I realized that it was okay.
Sad. Painful.
But okay.
Because now I could hope for things that might really come true.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
26
I’d never win a prize for orienteering,
Always wandering around, feeling lost.
Yet today I stopped disappearing,
And to be seen I’ll happily pay the cost.
—CC
School Christmas holidays? Blink and you would have missed them.
Before we knew it we were back at Blair Lochrie High School, and without our having to say a word to one another, I knew both Tobias and I were a little anxious about the reception we’d receive. Although the situation with Stevie and his evil band of delinquents had dissolved before Christmas, we were still apprehensive. Would they start their torment again?
Tobias and I had Spanish before lunch, so we headed to the cafeteria together, meeting up with Steph and Vicki just outside the doors. My eyes automatically zeroed in on the pool table.
It was occupied by first years.
No Stevie.
No Jimmy or Forrester or any of the guys.
I looked at Tobias and saw he was staring in the same direction. Feeling my gaze, he looked at me and gave me a reassuring smile. Perhaps it was something to do with the fact that we’d had sex, but over the holidays he and I had grown so close it was like we knew what the other was thinking without having to say a word.
“I’m starving,” Steph groaned, leading us toward the lunch line. “It’s all this studying. My brain hurts and my stomach is grumpy.”
Our exams started in one week and we’d all been cramming since the break. Tobias and I had spent a lot of time together studying, being distracted by each other’s lips and other body parts, and then studying again. Sometimes we met up with Vicki and Steph for a group study, and I found we were more productive that way because we weren’t allowed to be distracted with one another in company.
“Amen, sista,” Vicki joked, grabbing a bottle of soda out of the fridge. “My mum won’t let me drink coffee so I’m finding my caffeine fix in Irn-Bru. Lots and lots of Irn-Bru.”
It didn’t sound like such a bad idea, so I grabbed a bottle for myself. I didn’t even bother offering one to Tobias because, to my horror, he hated the Scottish soda drink. He said it tasted like wet pennies. When I’d asked him how he knew what wet pennies tasted like, he’d responded that he’d once swallowed one when he was a toddler and his dad had almost had heart failure rushing him to the emergency room.
“King.” Luke, his teammate turned around in line. “Ye ready for practice tonight?”
“Yeah, looking forward to it.”
“Aye, me, too.” His eyes flicked to me. “How’s it goin’, Comet?”
“Hi,” I answered somewhat shyly, because he was Luke Macintyre. Before Tobias had arrived, Luke had been the hottest guy in school. Plus he was older than us.
His dark gaze drifted over Vicki and Steph and then flew back to Vicki. “Hi,” he said, with undisguised interest.
Vicki gave him this cool I don’t care who you are nod.
Luke smirked and then turned his attention back to Tobias. “The team is over there.” He pointed to a table at the back of the room where four other guys, including Andy, were sitting eating and chatting. “Sit with us.” His eyes flicked back to Vick. “All of ye.”
“Yeah, we’ll get you over there,” Tobias agreed.
Luke was soon served, and he sauntered through the cafeteria with the swagger of a boy who knew himself, liked himself and knew most others liked him, too.
“God, he’s hot,” Steph sighed.
“He’s all right.” Vicki shrugged.
I snorted, and she threw me a narrow-eyed look over her shoulder.
“What?”
“Nothing. I just think he thought you were more than all right.”
“He fancies Vicki?” Steph wrinkled her nose and then asked Tobias, “Does he fancy Vicki?”
“I would know the answer to that how?” He paid for his lunch and when I went to pay for mine, I discovered he’d paid for it, too.
“You didn’t have to do that,” I said.
He just grinned at me.
“I take it we’re done talking about whether or not Luke fancies Vicki, then,” Steph huffed.
“Yes, we are,” Vicki huffed right back, paying for her food. “Anyway,” she said as we walked toward the boys’ table. “I have to concentrate on my portfolio for LCF. I don’t have time for rugby players.”
“Do you not want to sit with them?” Tobias said.
“Oh, I can be friends with them,” Vicki replied. “I just can’t Netflix and chill with any of them.”
It was Steph’s turn to snort. “As if you’ve ever Netflixed and chilled with anyone anyway.”
“Like any of us have,” Vicki argued. Although Vicki had known I was eventually planning to have sex with Tobias, I hadn’t yet told her that he and I had already taken our relationship to that level.
Tobias and I shot each other a look, mine knowing, his heated, and I squirmed at the reminder of our times together. I thought we’d been discreet, but I heard a choked noise behind me and turned to see Steph and Vicki staring at me wide-eyed. Steph’s mouth dropped open but before she could say a word, Vicki nudged her. As for me...well my face must have been the color of a tomato by the time we got to the boys’ table, knowing the girls would reenact the Spanish Inquisition as soon as they had me alone.
I willed my embarrassment away as Tobias introduced us to the three sixth years we didn’t know—Michael Haddow, David Okonkwo and Mike Green. They were friendly enough, welcoming us to the table, seeming happy to have us join them.
“So you guys are in King and Andy’s year?” Mike asked.
Steph nodded. “Yeah. We’re the cream of the fifth year crop.”