“You’re welcome, sweetheart. Anytime.”
The sound of Tobias thundering down the stairs quietened us and he appeared in the doorway, clutching something in his hand. “Time to go.”
I said my goodbyes to his mum and Tobias helped me into my coat. Once we were both bundled up he took my hand and led me outside. We walked in companionable silence through town, passing the large Christmas tree on a square in the High Street. The only other attempt at decoration in town was by our local hardware store, which had projected a Christmas image on the building across from it.
Tonight the sea was relatively calm, just a hush in the background as it sipped at the shore. The moon was full and bright and I remembered how as a kid I would stand at my bedroom window and stare up at the sky on Christmas Eve, desperate to see the black silhouette of Santa and his sleigh passing over the moon. I longed for the days when I’d truly believed in magic, but tonight was the first Christmas Eve in years where the longing was just a pang instead of a deep ache.
When we reached my garden gate Tobias stopped us and reached inside his jacket. “Merry Christmas.” He handed me the package.
Delight bubbled up inside of me. “I put yours under your tree while you were upstairs.” I’d been sneaky a few weeks ago, asking about what aftershave he wore. I’d bought him a gift set of it. The truth was I’d been unsure what to buy him. I’d never had a boyfriend before, and we hadn’t discussed budget or what was expected of us. Erring on the side of caution, I’d worried since I’d bought it that the gift was too simple.
“I want you to open it now, if that’s okay,” he said, and if I didn’t know any better I would have thought he was nervous.
That made me a little nervous. I tore open the gold Christmas paper he’d wrapped it in, and laughter immediately exploded out of me at what was in my hands.
It was my favorite perfume! Tobias had obviously snuck around in my room to find out what it was.
“Is laughter good?” he said.
“Yes!” I hugged him. “You’ll understand when you see your gift.”
“Okay.” He grinned in relief. “I just wasn’t sure what we were...”
“Budget, expectation, generic or handmade, all the questions.” I nodded in understanding, making him laugh. “Seriously, you’ll feel happy with your present to me when you see my present to you.”
Tobias’s brows drew together. “You bought me cologne, didn’t you?”
I giggled until he kissed the laughter from my lips, and I suddenly wished he was staying with me all night.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
25
Time to tell that star goodbye,
Too much wishing blew its spark.
So tonight I’ll watch that star die,
Watch it disappear into the dark.
—CC
Tobias was reluctant to let me go, and I tried to assure him I was fine. That was quite difficult to do when it was a lie.
For the first time ever I was anxious about stepping inside my own home.
I didn’t know how my confrontation with Kyle would affect us. Yes, my parents had been negligent and self-absorbed, but they’d also never been angry or mean to me. Part of me wished I’d kept my mouth shut so that we could have gone on existing peacefully with one another, like roommates happy with the basic idea of having found someone to coexist with who didn’t irritate them.
When I slipped into the house that night, I felt like I had a flurry of angry moths in my stomach, I was so nervous. The sound of the television from the living room filtered out and down the L-shaped hallway toward me, and I could smell Carrie’s famous chicken curry in the air. Kyle had been telling the truth. They really were just having a quiet Christmas Eve together.
Stupidly I wondered whether I shouldn’t have stayed home after all and soaked up time with my parents while they wanted to spend it with me. But that seemed desperate and forgiving, and right then I was neither.
As much as Lena King’s words had lifted my spirits, and as much as I was grateful to have Tobias and Vicki in my life, it wasn’t enough to forget the hollowness my parents had carved into me. I had to hope that time would take care of my wounds, that eventually they would heal, and all I’d be left with was a scar that itched every now and then.
However, that time was not quite here yet.
On that thought, I didn’t announce my safe arrival home. Instead I used the bathroom, brushed my teeth and shut myself inside my bedroom.
My phone binged on my bedside table as I snuggled deep into my bed. I reached over and touched the screen, and saw a message from Vicki.
It’s officially Xmas! Have a Merry One, Comet! ILYSM xx PS. I opnd yr pressie early. <3ed it!! Thx xx
I grinned and replied:
Merry Christmas, Vick! ILYSM2 xx P.S. I’ll open mine in the morning because I’m a good girl xx
She replied with the sticky-out tongue emoji. I was grateful to her for putting a smile on my face before I tried to drift off to sleep. Before I could, however, my phone binged again.
This time it was Steph:
MryXmas! LU! Xx
For all her faults, and whether it was out of habit or because she felt like family and I had to, I loved Steph, too. She wasn’t perfect, sometimes she pissed me off, and sometimes she hurt me, but she could also be sweet. And I believed that she did care about me in her own way.
Merry Christmas, Steph. Love you, too. Hope Santa is good to you. xx
In the middle of texting her my phone binged with another notification, and when I sent Steph’s text, I saw that it was a new text from Tobias:
I wywh in my bed w/ me.
Somehow he had the ability to make me blush even via text. Feeling that luscious, hot wave roll gently through me at the thought of being with him, my fingers shook a little as I replied.
Me too. I miss you when you’re not here. Xx
Tobias: Did ur dad tlk 2 u when u gt hme?
No. I went straight to bed xx
Tobias: Ok. Jst know I love you. Merry Christmas, baby.
A rush of overwhelming love crashed over me at his words and endearment. I was someone’s baby. Carrie and Kyle had never called me their baby or their sweetheart or their darling. Vicki was the only one. I’d been her babe for the last four years. I loved being her babe.
But truthfully it never soothed my hurt the way that being Tobias’s baby soothed my hurt in that moment.
Merry Christmas. I love you, too. Xx
And it was with his voice in my head and the phantom feeling of his arms wrapped tight around me that I fell asleep on Christmas night feeling loved despite the failings of my parents.
* * *
Something seeped into my conscious, an awareness niggling at me to wake up. My heavy eyelids fluttered slowly open and my breath caught in a moment of panic at the sight of the shadowy figure at the bottom of my bed.
Moonlight through the gap in my curtains caught on the tendrils of curls, and as consciousness found its grip I realized that the shadowy figure was Carrie.
Confusion as to why she was there cleared as I remembered it was Christmas and there was a weight at my feet that suggested she was putting my stocking on my bed. Something rustled, and I lifted my head to see she was pushing little gift-wrapped parcels back into the stocking.
Wait.
Carrie was the one who left the stocking at the bottom of my bed?
“Carrie?” Her name came out in a sleepy croak.
“Comet?” she whispered back, sounding surprised and dismayed.
Reaching across my bed, I fumbled for the light switch on the bedside table lamp. Warm yellow light illuminated the room and Carrie, who stood at the foot of my bed staring at me like a deer caught in headlights.
Her curly hair was in disarray, and she was wearing a red terry cloth dressing gown with a massive hood. Kyle had bought her it years ago and although he’d offered to buy her a new one she insisted on keeping it. It used to be a rich ruby red. Now it was faded and worn and well used.
My gaze moved from her to the Santa’s stocking lying across the bottom of the bed. “You give me the stocking?”
She stared at me and then concluded, “You thought Kyle did.”
I nodded, pushing myself into a sitting position. It was still dark out and my eyes were heavy with unfinished sleep.
Carrie sighed and suddenly slumped down onto the end of my bed. “I... I overheard your argument with Kyle.”