“Ashley?” He frowned. “Nah. She comes from a very Christian family. She doesn’t believe in sex before marriage.”
More relief began creeping over, hope even, “So does that mean you’re a virgin, too?”
Tobias’s expression turned apologetic and I felt myself stiffen without meaning to. “No.”
“Then who?” My stomach churned at the thought of him with another girl, but I wanted to know.
He pulled away, rubbing the back of his neck, something he only ever did when he was uncomfortable. “Why is it important?”
Now I really needed to know. “I thought you and I could talk about anything?”
“Well, you sound annoyed and I don’t want to end up arguing over something that doesn’t affect how I feel about you.”
Suspicion began to creep over me. “If it meant nothing, then just tell me who she is.”
Exhaling heavily, he shot me a baleful look. “I barely remember it, Comet.”
“Tobias.”
“Fine. It was a couple of weeks after I just got here. I was still pretty messed up about everything and Stevie took me to a party over the summer. At Jess Reed’s house.”
I think my heart stopped.
“I was so wasted,” he hurried to explain at the sight of my unmasked hurt. “Comet. Come on. So was Jess. I can hardly remember it. My first time. It was just a drunken fumble in her bedroom.”
It was more than a fumble. He lost his virginity to Jess Reed. My first selfish thought was, why couldn’t it have been anyone else? Jess was gorgeous, and I already felt hugely insecure about how I fared in comparison.
Yet, as I looked into my boyfriend’s eyes I started to think how I would feel if I could barely remember the first time I had sex. It was a sad state of affairs. All of it. Losing his dad, his anger with his dad, his refusal to admit he was still angry with his mum. And because of it all he’d lost something he’d never get back. “That doesn’t sound very special.”
“I didn’t need it to be,” he said bluntly. “I just wanted to get lost for a while.”
I nodded, understanding, but also wondering how many times he’d gotten lost. And with Jess?
“It was one time.” He seemed to read my thoughts. Shifting closer to me again, he took my arms in his and tugged me to him. His arms banded tight around me as I hugged mine around his shoulders. Lips inches from lips, his gaze filled with so much tenderness I finally felt like I could breathe for the first time since her name came up, Tobias whispered, “When you’re ready it’ll be like my real first time, too. Because I know that when it’s you and me, I’m going to remember every second for the rest of my life.”
Love for this boy filled me so completely in that moment I couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Who says I’m not ready? I love you,” I whispered, brushing my mouth softly against his. “I love you, Tobias.”
His answer was to kiss me with such ferocity I’m surprised our bodies didn’t combust. Passion blazed between us, the kind I’d only ever read about in books, and as he pushed me to my back and began to touch me the way I dreamed of, I heard him murmur over and over, “I love you, too. I love you, too.”
My virginity wasn’t lost that night, although we came pretty close, but our worries were lost. Our cares and anxieties floated off to hover in some empty space outside the bubble we created in my bedroom as we learned to love each other in new ways.
It was the first time in weeks I was free of everything but love, and finally I could say I took my neighbor’s advice and channeled all my emotions into something good.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
20
Push, push, push until you push too far.
All that pushing pushed you out,
And you don’t know who you are.
—CC
Admitting I loved him and having Tobias reciprocate eased most of my insecurities about our relationship. Although walking through the halls at school wasn’t easy, I felt less alone than I had in the previous weeks. I also realized our relationship was heading somewhere serious. Physically. And that I not only wanted that but I wanted to be smart about it.
So I’d confided in Vicki that I wanted to go on the pill.
“You want to go on the pill?” She’d started to freak out when I told her in the girls’ restroom at school.
“Shh,” I’d said, even though we were alone. “Yes. Just in case. Will you come with me to the pharmacy? A nurse or consultant, or whatever, takes you into a room and asks you all these questions before they’ll give you it. I don’t want to do that alone.” I’d blushed just thinking about it.
Vicki had stared at me in shock but nodded. “Okay.”
And so she’d been my support when I went to the pharmacy to get my birth control. And it was every bit as mortifying as I’d imagined. But in a weird way it was a distraction from school.
I was tired of dreading school, exhausted because these last few weeks I’d become almost paranoid in my awareness of what was going on around me there. That hyperawareness was draining. Or it could have been that I’d become more confident in myself. Or I’d just reached the end of my tether. Whatever it was, it burst out of me one morning as I walked to school.
Alana and her crew had followed me to school a few times, so for the most part I tried to leave for school earlier than they would. That morning, however, I was running late. As such it wasn’t long before I heard behind me, “Oy, geek! Did ye dress in the dark this mornin’?”
My first instinct was to hunch into myself and hurry but as the insults rained down on me, growing closer and closer, I found my feet slowing down while my heart rate took off.
“One of these days I’m goin’ tae knock that smug, ugly look off yer face!” Alana shouted.
And suddenly I was spinning around in reaction.
Alana and her girls skidded to a halt, while I fought to control my breathing, wanting to come across bored and indifferent even though every nerve inside me was trembling. A bead of sweat rolled down my back as I stared blandly at her.
“That threat is getting boring,” I said, relieved that my voice sounded smooth, unemotional.
“Whit?” Alana looked stunned.
“Boring,” I repeated. “Everything about this—” my hand gestured to them all “—is boring. I’m not scared of you. I’m bored by you.”
Her face flooded with color while her eyes narrowed in confusion.
“You think that trying to terrorize people makes you powerful and important?” I sneered at her, my anger desperate to fight through as I struggled to remain calm. “It doesn’t. We all think you’re pathetic, because we know that while high school is just a blip in time and that we’ll move on and have bloody wonderful lives doing things that actually matter...you’ll be stuck here. A coward and a bully who everyone looks down on. I’m not scared of you, Alana. I’m not impressed by you. I don’t even think about you. Other than to pity you.”
When no response was forthcoming, I turned calmly around and continued on to school. I knew once she got over her surprise there would be a retaliation, but I didn’t care. I cared that I’d stood up to her...and in that moment I was willing to deal with the consequences of that because the self-respect I felt was worth it.
However, it wasn’t Alana’s retaliation that knocked me on my ass that day.
* * *
The bell for fourth period rang and I was walking to history, my mind on my surroundings. The sight of Jimmy coming toward me through the crowds made me want to stop and turn around, but I figured he’d just follow me. At least here there were witnesses.
I braced myself as he cut through the strolling pupils and stopped in front of me, arms out, blocking my way. I stared at him, willing someone to dump a bucket of water on him so I could watch him melt.
He smirked down at me. “Heads up—Alana’s pissed about whatever ye said tae her this mornin’. Watch yer back. Ye know—” he stepped closer, the smell of cheap aftershave and psychopath making my nose wrinkle “—ye’ve gotten pretty tasty for a geek. I’ll take ma turn soon enough. And I’ll enjoy doing it,” he whispered in my ear.