The thought of anyone knowing how much I liked Tobias—even if it was Vicki—made my body lock with tension. I removed my hand from hers, withdrawing into myself. “Of course not. I didn’t realize I was looking at Stevie all the time. They bug me. You know that.”
Anger flashed in Vicki’s eyes. “Right. Sure.”
I flinched at her sarcasm.
Thankfully, Steph returned and I could pretend there wasn’t this awful distance between me and Vicki. I struggled to find something to say to my friends that they’d want to hear or talk about, and then I remembered they were going to another party at the weekend.
“Are you guys looking forward to Ryan’s birthday party?” I said, hopeful that my interest would ease the tension between us.
Steph grinned and opened her mouth to answer but Vicki beat her to it.
“Why do you care?” she practically snarled. “It’s not like you’re going.”
She might as well have slapped me.
Even Steph shot her a horrified, confused look.
As for me, I just stared at her, stunned, wondering when our friendship had gone so terribly wrong. As tears stung my eyes for the second time that day, I scraped back my chair, letting my hair fall over my face. “I just remembered I need to get something from the library. I’ll see you later.”
* * *
But I didn’t see them later, and the next day I was deliberately late to school, missing form class. I opted to walk home for lunch, and in English I refused to lift my head out of my copy of The Cone Gatherers by Robin Jenkins. We’d moved on from Hamlet this week, and I loved Mr. Stone’s choice of literature this semester because I hadn’t read it.
In that moment, however, the book was the last thing on my mind. I wanted to be anywhere but there.
“Hey,” Tobias said as he settled into his chair next to me. His arm brushed mine as he pressed in close. “Why did you cancel last night? You okay?”
Yesterday I’d texted Tobias to tell him I couldn’t meet up with him, but I hadn’t given him an explanation. I’d been hoping—
The truth was I didn’t know what I was hoping. I was conflicted. Part of me wanted Tobias to just forget about me so I could forget about him, but the other half of me hated the idea of losing his friendship.
“I’m fine,” I mumbled. “Just tired.”
“Com, look at me.”
Not wanting to, but knowing enough of Tobias now to know he was dogged when he wanted something, I unwillingly lifted my gaze to meet his. He frowned at whatever he saw in my expression. “What happened?”
“Nothing happened. I told you. I’m tired.” I looked down at my book and didn’t utter another word for the rest of class. Not even when Tobias tried to crack jokes under his breath that would normally have had me repressing giggles and kicking his shin beneath our desk.
When the bell rang, I quickly gathered up my stuff and hurried to leave for my next class. Tobias caught up with me and dropped his head to ask, voice low, sounding worried, “Did I do something?”
Guilt suffused me at the bright concern in his eyes. “No,” I assured him. “No...it’s just...girl stuff, okay. Vicki and Steph...”
“Vicki and Steph what?”
“It sounds immature.”
“Comet.”
“I don’t think they like me very much anymore.” My lower lip trembled as I fought back tears and I laughed hollowly at my ridiculousness. “Sorry.”
“Don’t apologize.” He looked around, shifting, and I wondered if he was worried about people finding out we were friends. The thought was supremely depressing. “Look, we can’t talk here. Meet me tonight?”
“I can’t,” I said, the refusal immediate and instinctual. As guilty as it made me feel, I went with it, because clearly I wasn’t ready to hang out with him alone again just yet. “I promised my parents we’d have a proper family evening.”
He frowned so deeply I wondered if the lie was that obvious.
“Okay.” He shrugged. “Well...you know...call me if you need me or whatever.”
And then he was gone.
Frustration tore through me and I felt like screaming.
This week sucked. It beyond sucked. It was a cesspit of everything shitty and screwed up.
This week could go to hell along with any remnants of the little social life I had.
THE FRAGILE ORDINARYSAMANTHA YOUNG
11
I am your safe harbor when the waves lose their blue,
Just tie yourself to me and hold on tight.
And when I need you to be my safe harbor too,
Your hand in mine will make everything right.
—CC
As much as I resented my parents’ attitude toward me, I resented their close friends Jo-Jo’s and Mishka’s even more. They were an artist couple—she was Scottish and beautiful and he was Russian and passionate. While Dad and Carrie at least acknowledged my existence, Jo-Jo and Mishka actually went so far as to pretend I wasn’t in the room.
I’d disturbed their perfect little foursome, you see. My parents used to host these big parties and go traveling all the time with their friends. They’d stifled a lot of that because of me.
Damn me and my need for food, water and protection. I was such a needy child.
Anyway, I knew when Carrie and Dad went off to a Jo-Jo/Mishka party not to expect them home until late in the evening...the following day.
That meant I was alone in the house on a Saturday night. I had the baseball bat at the side of my bed, most of the house lights blazing and I was curled up in my room reading Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy. I found Benny so relatable but my heart hurt reading about her friendship with Eve. It reminded me of what I currently did not have with Vicki. So when my phone buzzed with a text and Vicki’s name flashed on screen, relief and trepidation mingled.
Vicki: I’m sorry. Miss u. u ok? Xxx
My eyes blurred with tears of relief.
Me: Miss u too. Glad to hear from u. u ok? Xxx
Vicki: I’m gd. @ Ryan’s prty. wywh. Tobias is here. Steph md play for him bt Jess Reed all over him. xx
My stomach dropped just imagining it. And what the hell, Steph? Ugh, that girl needed attention more than a day-old baby.
Feeling sad but at least glad Vicki was talking to me I texted back: Steph must be pissed xx.
Vicki: She’ll goi. Night, babe xx
I texted good-night back, thinking maybe Steph would get over it, but would I?
After that it was increasingly difficult not to become way too involved in my book when beautiful Nan sabotaged Benny and Jack. “What a bitch!” I yelled, throwing my e-reader on my bed.
That was it. I needed a calming cup of Earl Grey before I could continue. Glaring at the offending reading device, I marched out of my bedroom and tried to talk myself down. Muttering under my breath about losing my mind, I’d had an in-depth discussion with myself about becoming overly involved in fictional worlds by the time I returned to my bedroom with my cup of tea.
However, just as I entered the room, my phone buzzed again.
Tobias’s name flashed on the screen and my heart leaped into my throat as I lunged for the phone.
Okay, so I wasn’t cool or unaffected like I might prefer. Instead I fumbled to unlock the screen.
Tobias: Thot u’d b @ Ryans. Ur friends r.
I grinned like a fool. I’d missed him. Two nights we’d spent apart. That was all. Two nights. And I missed him desperately.
I didn’t care if he was making out with Jess Reed—
Okay, I cared.
But I cared more about my friendship with him than my jealousy and disappointment, or my worry that he made me lose focus. I decided then and there I could be friends with Tobias without losing myself in our friendship again. I could care about him and still care about my other friends and my passions and goals. I could still be me.
Me: I don’t really do parties.
Tobias: Yeah? I’m nt feeln it either. U hme?
YES, I AM HOME. I AM HOME RIGHT NOW!
My fingers shook as I typed: yeah...
Tobias: Cn I cme ovr?
“YES!” I yelled into the room and then giggled at my nuttiness.
Me: Sure.
There. How was that for cool?
I was a nervous bag of energy as I waited for him to arrive. Tobias was giving up a night with Jess Reed to hang out with me? What did that mean?