He swallowed hard and released her hand to grip the dog tags around his neck. “Why are you here right now, Lilly?” he asked. “After everything I did to you…why are you still sitting here with me? You could be on a bus to Vermont right now.”
She gave him the strangest look. “Because…I want to be.”
“You shouldn’t,” he said, and turned away. “You shouldn’t want anything to do with me. You’re a good person, Lil. I’m… I’m just not.”
“Why would you say that?”
He stood, the crushing pressure in his chest almost too much to bear. “Why? Because I’m the kind of guy who leaves his kid brother to take care of his cancer-ridden mother when she’s dying. I’m the kind of guy who doesn’t even come back for the funeral.”
“You were overseas,” she whispered, looking stricken. “You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“I can when I knew she was sick when I enlisted,” he admitted. “I overheard her talking to her doctor on the phone. I knew, and I chose to leave. I didn’t just leave. I ran.”
Lilly slowly stood, concern and understanding and things he didn’t deserve shining from her eyes. “You were a kid. You can’t blame yourself for a decision you made when you were a scared eighteen-year-old kid, Nate.”
Sharp pain throbbed behind his temple, blurring his vision. She didn’t know the half of it.
Hale. Clemmons. Keller. Puckett. Rivera. Hanson. Lopez.
Fuck. He didn’t need the reminder. The truth lived in him every second of every day. He didn’t need the scars or the pain. The memories of what he’d done and the people he’d failed never left him. Not for a minute.
“That’s not enough?” She needed to see him for who he really was. She needed to hate him as much as he hated himself for all the damage he’d caused. He stalked over and leaned down right in her face. “Seven men are dead because of me, Lilly. Seven. Men. And I wasn’t a kid when it happened.”
He expected her to step back from him, but her feet remained planted to the spot. She blinked. “What are you talking about? Your accident? The crash?”
“I was flying that helicopter. I was Search and Rescue,” he said. “It was my job to get them back safe. But I didn’t—”
He slammed his eyes shut and swallowed the burning sensation in his throat as he took a step backward and turned away. “I loaded them up, promised them safety, and then everything went wrong. The investigators said it was mechanical, but I know I could have done something. I panicked. I missed something. I fucked up. And now they’re all dead.”
Hale. Clemmons. Keller. Puckett. Rivera. Hanson. Lopez.
He hadn’t just brought that chopper down. He’d left them strewn across that field like rag dolls. He’d jumped out and tried to pull his men to safety, but it had been an ambush. Shots had rained down on them like shrapnel, and someone had pulled him out of the fire. Pulled him to safety and held him down, before he could finish the job.
He grabbed his dog tags and tugged them hard enough that he felt the bite of the chain on the back of his neck.
Lilly stepped forward, erasing the distance between them, and cupped his face in her hands. “Look at me,” she whispered, her thumbs smoothing the lines on his face that lack of sleep had put there. “Look at me.”
He opened his eyes and looked into the shining pools of green gazing back him. The warmth of her hands seeped into his pores, soothing the pain. God, he was tired. Tired of living with this overwhelming grief. Tired of fighting the want and the need to be with this woman standing before him. He was just…tired.
“It’s not your fault,” she said. “Say it. Say it, even if you don’t believe it yet.”
He looked at her for a long moment, then said unconvincingly, “It’s not my fault.”
Total bullshit. He didn’t believe that for a minute.
But even as he doubted, he felt something deep inside start to stitch together. Under Lilly’s soft touch…he finally began to heal.
Chapter Eleven
“Well, another pair of shoes bite the dust,” Lilly muttered wryly as they approached the house that held so many memories for Nate it was busting at the seams. She pulled off one of her high heels and shook the mud off. “Remind me to bring walking shoes the next time I take a road trip with you.”
He forced a laugh, and didn’t dwell on how good it felt to hear her talk about a next time. That was a can of worms he did not need to open. He wasn’t going to be around for a next time. And he didn’t have room for any new raw emotions right now. In that moment, standing at the steps to his childhood home, he felt too full of them already. Emotions bubbled inside him fighting for space.
He stared up at the white two-story colonial where he and Jace had grown up.
“So, where are we?” Lilly asked.
“I used to live here,” he said. “When I was kid. Haven’t been back in a long time.”
She nodded. “Ten years. I remember.”
He found himself surprised by how good the place looked. He knew no one was living there. But other than a few downed tree limbs from the storm, the place looked pristine. The roses his mother had once so lovingly tended were in full bloom, and the shutters and lattices were freshly painted. The yard was mowed. The windows clean. He’d expected a hollow, empty shell, but this place…looked lived in. When Jace had said he didn’t want to sell the place, he hadn’t expected him to go to these extremes to keep it preserved. He’d obviously hired a groundskeeper. It was a smart move, and guilt crashed over him that Jace hadn’t felt comfortable enough to tell him about it. That Nate hadn’t been man enough to step up and help.
“It’s beautiful,” Lilly murmured, drawing his attention to the woman beside him. Her hair was pulled up in a loose ponytail, and she was wearing a simple navy dress that showed off her sun-kissed skin. A pair of designer heels covered in mud dangled from her fingers, but she didn’t seem to care. In fact, the entire walk here had been muddy and miserable, but she hadn’t complained once. Instead, she’d held his hand. And cracked jokes to take the edge off a situation she must realize was fraught with chaotic feelings for him.
Looking at her, he could almost forget where he was and what he was about to face. Almost. But he had to stop running sometime, and it may as well be today. Jace might have pushed him into doing this errand, but now that Nate was here, no way he could turn away.
“I have to go inside and get something. Wait out here. Okay?”
Knowing she’d likely argue, he didn’t wait for her to answer. Instead, he made his way up the porch steps and pulled the key he’d never used before from his pocket. He only hesitated long enough to take a deep breath, then stepped inside the house that smelled faintly of Pine-Sol and cedar.
One by one, the memories pulled him under. His mother playing the piano on Saturday afternoons in the family room. His father’s boots sitting next to the staircase. He stopped in front of the staircase and an ache bloomed in his chest. They were still there—the boots. He sank down onto the bottom step and ran a trembling hand over his face, fighting for control. He rested his elbows on his knees and hung his head between them, taking deep breaths.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered to the people who were no longer alive to hear it. “I should have stayed.”
He should have stayed and cared for his mother. For Jace. That one crap decision had created a domino effect that had decimated his world. If he’d never enlisted, would those men still be alive? Would Jace have had an easier life?
Nate shook his head, not wanting the answers. Here he was, doing exactly what Jace had always pushed for—facing his damn demons—and all he felt was an avalanche of guilt. Thinking about this shit was not doing him any good. There was no closure to be found here. He wasn’t sure if it even existed for someone like him. He’d come to accept the fact that there would always be gaping wounds filled with regret inside him. He couldn’t change the past.
But…maybe he could change the way he lived his life going forward.
He touched the laces on his father’s boots and stood. He’d half expected Lilly to be there watching him. But for once she’d actually done as he’d asked. He didn’t know if he felt relieved or disappointed. He didn’t want her to see him like this…but Jace was right. Nate had to let someone in. He wanted to let someone in. Wanted someone to see the real him and not just the hard, unfeeling façade.
He could tell himself that what he had with Lilly was nothing more than sex…but he knew that would be a damn lie. He knew, because he didn’t want to be in this house alone. He wanted to share it with her—the bad and the good. She’d lost her mother, too. Gone through something no young girl should ever have to go through. If anyone would understand him, it would be Lilly.
He looked at the front door, and something deep inside clicked into place. He may not be ready yet, but being with her the night before, feeling her heart beat against his ribs as she slept…he desperately wanted to be ready. To be there with her. Fully.
He took a deep breath and stepped out on the front porch to find her sitting on the bottom step. He sank down beside her, the old wooden board creaking under his weight, reminding him of all the times he’d sat in this very spot with his father.
“Did you get what you needed?” she asked.
Funny. He’d totally forgotten about the necklace.
“Not yet.” He tipped his head to look at her, the sun glinting off the gold strands framing her face. One tendril, shorter than the rest, tickled her temple. “You actually listened to me for once.”
She nibbled her lip. “I figured you needed a minute. I get it.”
Nate swallowed down a lump of apprehension. This was new for him, letting someone this close, wanting someone this close. And not just anyone. Lilly. Only her.
Which terrified him to the core.
He also knew he shouldn’t let her in. Shouldn’t give her hope. Or himself. He was leaving for a tour that went way past the realm of dangerous. Doing a job that would only allow him to come home for a year at a time at best. What kind of relationship could they have like that?
Maybe a normal couple might have a chance. But he was still a big pile of fuck-up, and after the way he’d treated her this past year it would be a damn miracle if she ever fully trusted him again. He felt like an utter fool for the hope unraveling inside him.
Instead of ending it, as he knew damn good and well he should, he heard himself say, “Will you come inside with me?”
Her eyes softened, and she nodded. “Of course I will.”
He stood and pulled her up with him, almost dragging her up the stairs, and paused at the front door.
Slipping his fingers through hers, he pulled her through the front door. Inside, he flicked a light switch, but nothing happened. Damn. “Power must be out.” He left the door ajar to light their way to the master bedroom.
She tugged him to a stop in the foyer to look at a few framed photos hanging on the wall. She smiled and wiped away the dust from one.
“Is this you and your brother?”
He squinted at the old photo of him and Jace when they were kids. Jace was missing his two front teeth and Nate was all gangly limbs and floppy hair. He smiled, remembering the day his mother had taken it. “Yeah. That’s us.”
He followed her gaze to a family picture and his chest squeezed. It was the last one they’d had taken, before his father died in combat. It had been so long since he’d really looked at it. He plucked the frame off the wall and looked down at his mother’s smiling face. She looked so healthy. So alive. The four of them standing together, like one strong unit, bound together by love. They looked unbreakable. What the fuck had happened? How had it all been taken away so quickly?