He's warm, his sweater soft. His woodsy cologne combines with the scent of the fireplace to remind me of being around a bonfire in the forest. My panic gradually wears off, in part because I'm so full, the dancing fire is making me drowsy. Sliding down a little farther to rest my head against the back of the couch, I sigh.
"You okay?" he asks when I settle.
I'm not sure how he knows about my struggle or whether I should be embarrassed it's noticeable or grateful for his patience. "I think so. Are you?"
"Yeah. Rough day yesterday."
I twist my head over my shoulder to gaze at him and rest my cheek against the couch. My turmoil is one thing, but I can't bear the thought of him being likewise troubled. "Why?" I ask before censoring myself and then rush on. "Sorry. None of my business."
"No worries." He mirrors my position. Our faces are close enough for me to see the fine lines around his eyes when he smiles. "This time of year is rough. It's the second Christmas without my brother. In twenty-nine years, we had never been out of contact longer than a month or two." The shadow is back in his gaze, a sorrow so profound, my throat tightens in empathy.
"I can't imagine losing Todd," I whisper. "Everything I do is to protect him."
"You have to remember to live for you, too."
"It doesn't feel possible."
"Believe me - I know. But it is."
"I wouldn't know how." I give an uncomfortable laugh and look away.
"You started this morning," he points out.
"Maybe." I won't tell him I'm not sure what I'm doing here. "How can you help so many people when I know you're hurting?"
"Misery loves company."
I laugh. "No, really. My first reaction is to run."
He shrugs. "I always run towards the battle. I try to do things that would make Mikael proud. He gave his life for mine, and I will honor his sacrifice by being the best person I can be and helping improve the lives of those around me."
He makes it sound so simple, and I sense for him, it is. Helping others, running towards the burning building, never retreating from a challenge … these are instincts I don't have. My focus has been self-preservation and the safety of my brother.
"I wish I could be more like you," I murmur.
"You're beautiful the way you are, Claudia. A little damaged, a whole lot scared, but beautiful."
How he manages to hold up a mirror to my flaws, and I still have the need to stay right here, close to him …