I wake up before my alarm goes off. After my … issue last night, I slept like a baby, better than I have in a year at least. I'm pretty sure it has to do with the woman whose body is part of the reason why I'm considering the snooze button. One of her thighs is between mine, half her body draped over mine with her head on my shoulder. Katya's breath tickles the skin on my chest. She's soft, firm and feminine, an appealing package.
God, she's the fucking sexiest woman I've ever known. She doesn't know or care to curb her passion the way I normally do. I value self-control over everything else, but Katya … fuck! To complicate matters, I now know there really is a sweet girl buried beneath the shell, one who didn't run or freak out when I had one of my episodes. She stuck with me, talking me down.
It's getting harder to write her off.
Instinctively, I wrap an arm around her and lay still for a long moment, pensive and a little too comfortable with her in my arms. The scars on her back are pressed to my forearm, their knotted texture deepening my consternation. My scars aren't visible, but we share the same pain, hidden deep but still present. She's a lot like me in that regard, and I don't like knowing how much she's hurting. Any resistance she gives me during the day melted when I held her.
It's hard to hate you when I know you're broken like Petr.
I hate being vulnerable, hate feeling weak, especially in front of someone else. Emotions, self-doubt, and lack of discipline have no place in my world. Last night, I went through all three in front of the woman I am struggling to keep my distance from.
Am I broken? I really don't know. I was in counseling for all of a month after losing the four guys on my team. My response to pain is to create more distance between me and it, so I can function. If I admit to being broken, I could have my command taken. Even if temporarily, it's not something I want to risk. The Corps is my life and the guys I lead my family.
I can't lose any of that. Not even the psychologist assigned to the forward operating base where my team works out of was able to convince me to stay in counseling beyond the mandatory thirty days.
How is it that Katya makes me reconsider?
I want to let my hands travel her body but don't. Last night was wrong in so many ways. Kissing her, almost losing control.