It doesn't matter now.
"You're stuck with me, duck," I whisper.
I stare into space for a moment before shaking my head. I put it in the same drawer and slide my feet into flip-flops for a trip out back.
Whenever I feel like this, I go out back to talk to Mikael.
The October weather is a mix of warm and cool. The trees hedging our property are starting to turn, and I breathe in the fresh air deeply. When I open the gate to the peaceful space, I'm surprised to see Petr there, standing in front of Mikael's grave.
He glances up at my approach and smiles. There's sadness in his strong features. When I'm close enough, he wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his solid frame. He has no idea how much I need the hug right now.
We stand in silence for a few minutes, gazing at Mikael's tombstone.
"Bet he's built an obstacle course in heaven by now," Petr says.
"Probably."
"It'll suck without my help."
I giggle. My brothers were best friends but also super competitive.
"I invited all the guys back for the Christmas party. I think everyone is coming, except Captain Mathis. He doesn't really take leave."
"I'm not surprised." I'm not sure how, but my heart feels like it's breaking even more. It's in so many pieces, it has to be dust by now.
"No? I figured you'd want him here."
"Why?"
"You guys got along well." Petr laughs.
I roll my eyes.
"He's got time to change his mind."
"He won't," I say softly.
"Does that bother you?"
"None of your damn business!"
"Oh, shit. One of those. I thought you were dating the neighbor. What's his name? Oliver?"
"Yeah. Nothing serious," I reply. My therapist thought it was a good idea for me to get out more. Oliver asked and I said yes. We've kissed a few times, and he's a nice guy.
He doesn't move me the way Sawyer did. I don't think anyone ever will. I'm really good at messing up friendships and relationships. I shouldn't be hurting about him, considering we didn't have anything going on at all.
"You didn't invite Harris, did you?" I ask, eyeing my brother.
"No." A flash of something goes through his gaze. For a split second, I almost suspect he knows about Harris slapping me.
"Good. Take Brianna off the list. You deserve so much better," I tell him. "And I won't have to beat her up again."
"Brave little Kitty-Khav." He squeezes me closer. "You like your new job?"
"A lot." I perk up. "Baba even sends me official checks."