“That’s quite a collar,” Cole said.
“She’s quite a woman.”
“She didn’t know you were going to offer it to her?”
“I was going to surprise her.”
Without saying a word, Cole got up and poured Daniel another glass of scotch.
• • •
For the next five days, Daniel put off doing what he knew he had to do. Perhaps, he thought, part of him hoped Cole had been right and Julie would come around. As the days went by, though, and she didn’t take his calls or return his messages, he knew he had to take the next step.
He had to set her free.
She looked surprised when she saw him at her door, but she opened it and let him inside. Dena had told him Sasha had moved back to her own place over the past weekend.
“How’s Sasha?” he asked anyway.
“Good. She came back to work on Monday.” She nodded toward the couch, but he shook his head.
“I’m glad she’s recovering well.”
“Dena’s been by a few times. It helps Sasha to talk to her. Are you sure you don’t want to sit?”
“I’m fine standing. How are you doing?”
She glanced at him and then looked to the floor. “You told me once to be honest, so that’s what I’m going to do. I’m scared. I know I’m a submissive, but I don’t know what to do with it.”
Just as he expected. “I can understand you’re scared, but what I don’t understand is why you’re avoiding me.”
She looked up, blinking back tears. “Because I look at you and I get all confused. I make up my mind to do one thing, but I look at you and second-guess myself.”
It took all his strength not to touch her, to gently stroke her cheek and tell her it’d be okay. But that would be a lie and he never lied.
“I need you to remember two things,” he said. “If you forget everything else I say today, I need you to remember this: my feelings for you run deep and strong and true. Second, having you give me your submission means more to me than I can express with mere words and I am honored you trusted me with it for a time.”
“For a time?” Her forehead wrinkled. “I don’t understand.”
“I’ve been waiting for you to decide what you wanted, but you can’t seem to figure it out. That tells me you’re not ready.”
“What?”
“I’m deciding for you,” he said, crossing his arms. “It’s over, Julie.”
She sank into the couch. “You’re breaking up with me?”
“I’m doing the best thing I can for you. I’m setting you free.”
“It feels like the same thing.”
It felt like metal bars encircled his heart. Sitting on the couch, she looked so small and fragile. He wanted nothing more than to sit beside her and take her into his arms. He was supposed to be her protector, not the one to cause her more pain.
“I know it does,” he said. “Believe me when I say I’d rather cut my own arm off than hurt you in any way, but this is the only option that makes sense. The only option that allows you the type of safety you feel you need.”
“Safety I feel I need?”
He sat beside her so they could talk on the same level. “You’re a submissive. You will never feel safer than when you’re under a Dominant’s control.”
She wiped her eyes. “How can you say that with what happened to Sasha? She wasn’t safe with Peter.”
“We’re not talking about Sasha. We’re talking about you.”
“That’s semantics.”
“It’s not semantics, Julie, and you’re forgetting one very important difference.”
“What’s that?”
“I’m not Peter.”
Her breath caught and he gave her a sad smile. He should feel insulted she thought for one second he could ever treat her the way Peter had treated Sasha. Instead, he just felt sad. Sad she let her fear rule her. Sad she didn’t fight him. And sad for the fact that everything they could have been together was slipping through his fingers.
“I know you’re not Peter.”
He wondered if her words sounded as empty to her as they did to him.
“We both know that’s not the truth or else we wouldn’t be having this conversation.” He stood up, suddenly tired. “Good-bye, Julie.”
• • •
Julie went to work the next day, but she was only going through the motions. Inside she felt like a robot. A windup robot, threatening to run down at any second. Her feet were like lead and it took too much energy to function. Sasha was still too wrapped up mentally in her own thoughts to notice, but when Dena stopped by to bring lunch, Julie moaned. There was no way she could hide what had happened from the sharp-eyed woman.
“I brought sushi,” Dena called, gliding through the store, carrying bags into the break room in the back.
“Not really hungry,” Sasha said.
“Me either,” Julie echoed.
“You, too, Julie?” Dena stuck her head out of the break room door. “You’re supposed to be on my side.”
“I’m just not hungry, is that a crime?” She tried to make her voice sound as normal as possible, but it broke at the end.
“You okay?” Dena asked, stepping into the main room, her teasing gone.
Even Sasha looked her way.
Julie gripped the back of the chair in front of her. They were going to find out anyway. The normal group meeting was being held Thursday night. When she didn’t show up, Dena would know something had happened. Wouldn’t it be best if she heard it from her? If she heard it from Julie, maybe there wouldn’t be any gossip. Daniel deserved more than to be relegated to gossip fodder.
Julie took a deep breath. “Daniel broke up with me yesterday.”
They both spoke at once.
“He did?”
“Oh, Jules.”
“It’s okay,” Julie said, blinking back new tears. “It’s like he said, it’s for the best. It’s the best option for me.”
Dena rolled her eyes. “Ugh. I hate it when they get all Dom and decide what’s best for us. Hello? I have a mind.”
“But part of me thinks he’s spot-on. I was being all wishy-washy. And he was right to step in. That’s just being a good Dom.” She looked to where the two other women stood. “Right?”
The corner of Sasha’s mouth lifted. “Count me out on judging someone as a good Dom.”
Dena put an arm around the petite woman. “We all mess up. Don’t let it get to you.” She looked up at Julie. “You either.”
“It’s not so much letting it get to me.” She nodded. “It’s accepting Daniel was right. He is who he is and he accepts it. I am what I am and I choose not to act on it. That makes us incompatible.”
She glanced over at Sasha, who was still embraced by the tall, willowy blonde. Her friend had told her the day Daniel walked into the shop that they weren’t compatible. Even looking back, though, she wasn’t sure if she was happy or sad she went against Sasha’s advice.
In dating Daniel, she’d learned things about herself she’d never imagined. She’d met an incredible man. And, if she was totally honest, she’d admit that she had fallen in love with that incredible man. No, she decided, in looking back, she knew she couldn’t allow herself to be sad with her choice to have a relationship with him. She could only allow sadness at how it ended. That it ended at all.
“I’m free now,” Julie said. “That’s important.”
Dena removed her arm from Sasha’s shoulder and walked back into the break room, without saying anything. Julie had the strangest suspicion she’d said the wrong thing and followed her.
“Did I say something to upset you?” she asked, watching while Dena went around the table setting up for lunch.
“I’m sorry.” Dena placed the chopsticks down and took a deep breath. “I just don’t know if you’re ready to hear what I think.”
Julie’s heart started pounding like it did when she realized she’d done something very, very wrong. “Tell me,” she whispered.
She hadn’t known Dena long. Probably less than two months. But in all that time, she’d never seen her more vulnerable than she seemed at that moment. Dena was the epitome of self-confidence, but right now she looked uneasy.
“I’ve been collared twice,” Dena said. “The first was to the as**ole. That was a mistake, but it lasted less than a year. The second . . . the second was wonderful.”
Something a lot like grief lurked behind Dena’s blue eyes and Julie couldn’t help but ask, “What happened?”
Dena shook her head, blond hair tumbling across her forehead. “I don’t want to talk about it. I only brought it up because I wanted you to understand.”
“Understand what?”
“I’m unattached right now—I told you that when we first met—but I’m not free.” Her fingers brushed her neck as if stroking an invisible collar. “I make do. I play with Doms and I help train the new ones, but free isn’t how I would describe my life. The day he took his collar back was the day he sent me to the darkest, deepest prison imaginable.”
Her words struck Julie in the center of her chest. She held a hand out, as if to touch her, but Dena shrank back.
“Dena, I’m sorry.”
Dena closed her eyes. “It’s okay. Most days I can deal with it. I just . . . always thought we’d get back together. But each time I see him, we drift farther and farther apart. I’m starting to think it’ll never happen. Pretty soon we’ll be strangers.”
“You see him? He’s in the group?” Julie’s mind spun, picturing the different Doms, trying to figure out which one still held Dena’s heart.
“I said more than I planned to,” Dena said. “Who he is doesn’t matter. The important thing is you and Daniel. Regardless of what he said, you’ve got to come to terms with who you are yourself. But do me a favor and take some advice from someone who’s been there. When the right Dom collars you, when you become his? That’s when you find your wings. That’s when you’ll be so free, you’ll fly.”
• • •
Julie gaped at Sasha. “You’re going where?”
It was the next Thursday night and she’d just invited Sasha over for pizza and a movie. Julie still felt unsettled after Dena’s advice a week earlier and had been looking forward to getting wrapped up in a movie. She’d guessed Sasha would feel the same. Sasha, though, had other plans.
“I’m going to the group meeting,” Sasha said after they finished eating.
“That’s what I thought you said. I just wanted to make sure.” She wanted to take Sasha by the shoulders and shake her. How could she even think about going back after what happened with Peter?
“Don’t look at me like that,” Sasha said, and Julie noticed her lower lip trembled.
“Just give it a little bit. No one expects you to jump right back into it.”
“I’m just going to a meeting. Dena’s talking about legal issues within the community. It’ll be safe. I’m not going to the party tomorrow.”
“It’ll be safe,” Julie repeated, hands on her hips. “Always the measure by which I pick my weekend plans.”
“Don’t judge me.”
“Don’t give me a reason to. You’ve barely said four words all week and I’m just supposed to smile and nod when you walk back into what could trigger a panic attack?”
“At least I’m honest about who I am and what I need.”
“Yeah, well, what you need put you in the hospital. You can hardly hold it against me if I’m a bit worried.”