“Alright,” he says softly. “Just don’t let that little girl down. If Royal doesn’t come back . . . it’s the two of you against the world. You’re her family. You need to know that.”
“I know . . .” I whisper.
That’s something he’ll never have to worry about. That little girl has just become part of my life now. Royal has the other part and I’m not giving up until I’m whole.
One Month Later . . .
IT’S PAST MIDNIGHT, AND JUST like every other night in this shithole motel I can’t sleep for shit. There are so many fucked up thoughts running through my head that almost none of it seems to make sense anymore. It pisses me the hell off. It’s been a whole month since I left her, and I’m no closer to having my shit together now than I did the night I took off.
The thing that seems to me haunting me the most, though, is the look in Avalon’s eyes as I left her in tears, running after me in my sheet that night. Fuck, it shoots right through me and straight to my heart, weakening me from the one spot that I thought no one would be able to reach again . . . but she has. She has my heart in her grasp and I’m willing to let her keep it as long as I can’t hurt her.
I never wanted to have that power over someone else again: to be able to hurt another or let her down. Not like I did Olivia. I was doing so fucking good, keeping everyone at a distance, until she walked through that door, knocking me on my fucking ass and making me want her.
I gave her the opportunity to see me. To see the real me, giving her the chance to run before it was too late . . . but she didn’t. Instead she did the exact opposite and fell for me.
She fell in love with me. She told me she wanted me and needed me.
Every time I think about it, I tell myself that she has to be just as fucked up as I am to believe she’s in love with me.
Time . . .
With time she will see the truth and her eyes will start to open up to the fact that there’s nothing good about me. I’m not a good fucking man that will bring her flowers and plan romantic candlelit dinners and then make love to her, whispering in her ear that she’s my one true love. I can’t be what she deserves. I’m not sure I can be anything.
She just can’t love me. I need enough time and distance between us for her to see that so I can’t fucking hurt her.
Reaching over beside me to the sticky table, I grab the bottle of whiskey and bring it to my lips, while powering up my phone and watching as it lights up.
It’s that time of the night that I know Jax or Blaine’s text will be waiting for me, letting me know the same thing they tell me every day: Avalon is good and safe.
That’s all I asked from both of them when I left. I don’t want anything else at the moment, and I know that Jax and Blaine are the only two that truly understand how my head works.
Every other message that I receive throughout the day gets deleted without even a second thought, because I know if I allow myself to read any messages from Avalon I will break and only drag her down with me.
It’s not safe yet. Not until I can get my head straight and figure out a way to move on.
Setting down the bottle, I rub my hands down my face and release a deep breath. “I need to know that what I’m doing is the right thing, Olivia. I need to know that these feelings I have inside are true. I need a sign from you. Please.”
I shake my head and look around the dark, stale room, wishing that things didn’t have to be this way. I hate it here and I hate that I can’t be with her. It makes me feel less alive more and more each day.
“I love her,” I say in a pained voice, hoping that Olivia understands. “I love her so fucking much, but I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt her. Can you tell me that I won’t . . . because I can’t?”
I turn on our song for the hundredth time tonight and close my eyes, pretending that everything will be okay.
That I somehow can remember how to live again . . .
Five Months Later . . .
“KYLIE! WHERE ARE YOU, GIGGLES?” I yell, while opening up the lower cabinets in the kitchen and pretending to look inside. “Hmm, I wonder where Kylie could be? Somebody sure is good at disappearing! Must be magical . . .”
I hear her tiny, high-pitched giggle coming from under the kitchen table, but I continue to play along and look everywhere else except the place I know she is hiding.
She laughs again as I walk over to the table and shake my head, as if I’m disappointed that I can’t find her.
“Oh man . . . she must be gone. Shucks! Too many magical skittles today.” I reach for her favorite pink plastic bowl. “I guess I will just have to eat this macaroni and cheese all by myself.”
Laughing, she runs out from under the table and dives at my leg, squeezing it in her little arms. “Mommy! Mine! Mine!”
Feeling overwhelmed, I smile big and pick her up, hugging her tightly as tears form in my eyes. With each day I get more and more attached to this beautiful little angel, and there’s no better feeling in the world than to hear her call me mommy.
My heart hurt the first few times she said it. It made me feel guilty. There was an ache in my chest that made me feel for Olivia and hurt for her. She should be the one being called mommy. She should be the one seeing her running around and laughing and holding her at night while she falls sleep. Not me, but her and Royal. They were supposed to be a family, but this little girl had it all taken from her. It kills me, but makes me happy that I can be here for her now.
I set Kylie down in her highchair and turn and wipe the tears away as they continue to fall down my face and wet the top of my shirt. She looks so much like Royal that it hurts, knowing he’s gone.
I try my hardest not to think about Royal and how much he’s missing out on with his little angel here, but as hard as I try, I can’t force myself to stop. He means more to me now than ever, and I want nothing more than for him to be here, especially after having his beautiful little girl in my life.
Not a day has gone by that I haven’t sent him a text to let him know that I need him to come home. He needs to know about his daughter, but I refuse to tell him over the phone. He’s been through too much already. I can’t do that to him over a phone call.
That’s exactly why I haven’t told Jax and Blaine the truth yet. As far as they know, Kylie is just a little girl that I adopted and fell in love with. She’s been with me for three months now, and every single day with her is special.