Her eyes stayed cold, even after I showed her how much I needed her. She shook her head, trying to get free. “I can’t give you what you need anymore. I’ve tried. I’ve tried so hard to unlock whatever space I’m trapped in, but it’s no use.”
I ran my nose along her jaw, breathing her in, imprinting her scent of frost and orchids into my soul. When Tess did as I demanded, I doubted I’d want to be this close to her.
“It’s not about what I need. It’s about what you need.” I paused, gathering my tattered courage. “I’m going to give you what you need.”
Tess sucked in a little breath.
I flinched, eyes delving into hers, trying to see if she felt something, reacted to what I said.
But nothing glittered, nothing shone.
In that moment, I wanted to tear the room apart. I wanted to kill the bastards who took her all over again. Damn it to f**king hell. The f**king bastards. The f**king screwed-up world.
Tess touched my cheek, grounding me. “Are you okay?” I wished she asked me out of concern, but I knew better.
“How can you ask that? How can you honestly think I’m okay? I had everything I ever dreamed of, then had it all snatched away. I miss you so damn much, but you don’t care. You don’t love me anymore. You took everything from me and you have the nerve to ask if I’m okay.” I laughed with the black humour of the situation. “I’m going to either ruin you or heal you. It’s one or the other, Tess. Starting now. This will either fix us or leave us in f**king pieces.”
“What will?”
“I want you to take me.” My voice shook. What a sap. I tried again. “You’re going to do whatever you want to me. You’re going to take everything I have to offer by any means necessary.” I pressed my mouth to her ear. “You’re going to hurt me, Tess. And hurt me so f**king much.”
Her mouth dropped open. She gawked, unseeing, unspeaking.
“I’ve f**ked you. I’ve hit you. I’ve loved you in my own way, but it’s not enough to fix you. I can’t whip what happened out of you. You need to help yourself, and I’m offering to be the one you take all that rage and pain out on.”
The air grew thick and heavy; I couldn’t breathe. She knew. She was too smart, too intelligent, not to realize what I offered.
“You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Of course, I f**king knew what I was saying. I was going against every little cell in my body. I was going against nature. I was shooting the beast inside me with a shotgun and handing over my balls. Ignoring every instinct. Every desire I’d ever had.
“I know exactly what I’m offering, esclave. Take it. Before I change my mind.” Before I run away screaming like a little girl.
Before I lose you.
Before I lose myself.
“It’s not that simple. Even if I do hurt you it won’t make a difference, Q. There’s no point putting yourself through something you’ll hate.”
“There is a point if it brings you back. I’m not leaving until we get this over with. I don’t make this offer lightly. I don’t expect you to turn me down. You owe me.”
She coughed. “I owe you?”
“Yes.” I nodded hard. “And I’ll tell you why. Whatever you lived through was terrible, awful and hellish, I know that, and I know you don’t want to talk about it—that’s why I don’t push. But try and think what it was like for me. You were stolen from my office! My care and protection. You were taken away from me for seventeen f**king days. Every lead I chased was a dead-end, every hope, a f**king tease.” I hit myself violently in the solar plexus, reliving that horror, the panic at not finding her. “Don’t you think all of this is hard on me, too? You owe me, so hurt me. Make me suffer because I wasn’t able to save you.”
My chest heaved and the truth burst free. “It’s all my f**king fault. All of it. The building contracts. The saving of slaves. The fact I thought I was invincible. I never thought to think of enemies and anything happening to you. I was a selfish f**king moron.”
I had to stop and swallow around the lump forming in my throat. “It’s all my fault you’re like this. So if I order you to make me suffer, it’s the least you can do. Libère moi de ma douleur, Tess.” Free me of my pain.
I cupped her cheek, drowning in her eyes. “I asked you once to give me your pain as my pleasure. This time take my pain as your pleasure.”
It was a night of firsts and I dropped to my knees, bowing my head against her thighs. “Please, esclave. Don’t make me keep asking. I don’t have the strength.” It felt awkward and horrid being in a position of submission, but at the same time, so right and perfect. The two emotions tangled, making me quiver with anxiety.
I didn’t move. It was up to Tess now.
It felt like a full year before Tess shifted. Her gentle hand landed on my head. She threaded her fingers through my hair, soothing the never leaving headache, making me groan.
Was I making this worse by forcing her? Causing more damage to her already strained mind?
“I can’t, Q.”
I looked up, locking eyes. “You can. And you will.”
She tried to untangle herself from my grip, but I tightened, not letting her go. “You’re letting the bastards win, esclave. Do you want that? Do you want them to rule your life?” I stood, never letting go of her. “Where’s the fight I’m so used to? The Tess I knew, the esclave I fell for, wouldn’t lie down and not fight to the death.”
The seconds ticked past and doubt shaded her face. She bit her lip, looking anywhere but me. I was sure she’d disagree again, and thoughts ran riot on how I could force her to hurt me. I didn’t know what it would mean if this failed.
Finally, her eyes settled on mine; she whispered, “Are you sure?” Such caring, such gentleness shone from her face, that even though there was nothing else there—no soul or deep emotion—I took happiness from hope.
This would work. It had to.
I stood, bending to press one soft kiss on her lips. “I’m sure. Je suis à toi, tout à toi.” I’m yours. All yours.
Her chest rose and she nodded. “Okay.”
I didn’t waste another moment. Grabbing her hand, I led her across the room.
She stood where I positioned her by the bed while I went to the cupboard. This room had a history. A history I would rather not think about, but it came stocked with apparatus and things required.
Opening the doors of the cupboard, I stopped short, panic running down my spine.
I was about to do something that would cripple me. I wanted to wipe this day free from my mind once it was over. I would destroy this room and everything in it so I never had to remember.
With nerves lodged in my throat, I pulled out ropes, cuffs, bondage of all types.
Tess watched remotely as I piled my arms full of things and headed back to the bed. Placing them on the towel at the foot of the four poster, I looked at Tess. “Tie me up.”
I never thought I’d ever say those words. But I needed her to bind me. I wouldn’t be able to go through with this if she didn’t. I’d run like a f**king coward, or lash out and hurt her.
She picked up the leather cuffs, the buckles clinking. “Where?”
Trying to curb the terror and anger and so many f**king things, I forced myself to sit on the mattress and lie down.
My heart was a f**king crazy thing going a billion miles an hour; I couldn’t look at Tess. I couldn’t look anywhere but at the large canopy above my head. The four posters were sturdy—half a f**king tree sturdy—once she bound me, I wouldn’t be able to get free.
My stomach rolled and I swore I would be sick. Shit. Oh, shit. What the f**k am I doing?
Tess glided closer to the bed, looking like a malnourished ghost. She eyed the cuff, then my limbs. My fists pressed against my thighs, every muscle locked tight.
I hadn’t undressed. The element of having jeans and a T-shirt on was my only armament; I wanted to keep it that way.
I gritted my teeth, spreading my legs for her.
She swallowed and obediently looped the soft leather around my ankle.
Black spots appeared in my vision as she tightened the buckle around the bedpost. She fastened it and I wriggled.
“You need to do it tighter. I can get free.” I hated every word. I wanted to chop out my tongue for being such a traitor, but I wasn’t doing this for me. I was doing this for Tess. To somehow break the barrier she’d fortified. If it took dy***ite in the form of making me shatter, then so be it.
Tess nodded, tightening the buckle until it bit into my skin. Heat travelled up my leg, causing me to shiver with helplessness.
Torturing me with fluttering touches and slowness, Tess secured my other ankle before sighing heavily. She looked at me with a thousand wishes in her eyes and no hope. Moving toward the head of the bed, she chose a length of silk rope.
Our eyes never left each other as she bent and captured my hand with hers. The moment her delicate fingers touched my trembling skin, I bucked. My c**k roared to life and all I wanted to do was kiss her, f**k her, never let her f**king go again.
She bit her lip, her eyes darkening just a little.
“Embrasse moi!” Kiss me, I demanded, capturing her hand with mine.
We stared so long, so hard, I wondered if I’d die waiting for her to obey. Finally, she bent in half, lowering herself toward me. My legs might be bound, but my arms and torso weren’t. The moment she was in grabbing distance, I wrapped my arms around her, dragging her hard against me.
She let out a small cry before my lips crashed onto hers. I speared my tongue into her mouth. She froze for the briefest of moments, then struggled as I held her tighter. She whimpered as I bit her bottom lip.
I groaned as her taste filled my mouth. She reminded me of happier times, of confused times, but most of all, the love I’d lost. The love I wanted to get back.
Her hands pressed against my chest, pushing me away.
Reluctantly, I let her go. She bolted upright, breathing hard. My heart lodged in my throat at the panic in her eyes.
Something had eroded, showing a little glimpse of all that emotion locked inside her.
Shaking her head, she grabbed my wrist and slammed my hand above my head. I didn’t fight even though the beast inside wanted to tear her into smithereens.
Her fingers fumbled around my wrists, jerking them with every knot of the rope. She grimaced as she pulled harder, tightening the restraints to the point of pain.
I never took my eyes off her as she circled the end of the bed and climbed onto the mattress to restrain my other hand. I placed it above my head for her, drinking in her rising fear—the scent of turmoil and panic.
After weeks of nothing but coldness, the onslaught of her emotions intoxicated me better than any whiskey. Every second that ticked past, Tess lost the glassy sterile look, descending further into crazed and scared.
It’s working. The curse around her f**king heart was breaking.
Tess tested the rope on my wrist one last time before scrambling off the bed and staring at me with such a soul-crumbling look in her eyes it undid me once and for all.
I f**king loved this woman. Not just for now. Not just for tomorrow. But always. Now and forever, I was hers.
I nodded, gritting my teeth. “Do it, esclave. Do whatever you want to me. I’ll accept whatever you give. I’ll live and be happy with whatever scraps you let me have.” My voice was rough, laced with sorrow, but I kept going. “I give you myself, Tess. If it doesn’t make you come back to me, then this is it. This is the last time I’ll have you close, and I want to see passion in your eyes one last time.”
I waited for a tear, a twitch, some recognition of how much I offered, but only terror greeted me. She stood stiff as a f**king board, no longer looking at me, but back there—back in the place where her nightmares brewed.
“Tess…” I wanted to tell her not to be afraid, to let them take her. That I’d be with her every step, but she shook her head, gripping her hair with desperate fingers.
She mumbled something under her breath, before exploding to the other side of the room, heading toward the open cupboard.
I strained to see what she collected and my heart bucked when she came back with whips, floggers, scissors, and vials.
She dumped it all between my splayed and bound legs.
Her eyes evolved from dove-grey to icy blizzard, glittering with hatred. She no longer looked at me from the eyes of my esclave—my Tess. She morphed into a complete stranger. A woman with a vendetta, a wish for death and destruction.
I nodded in response to her harsh breathing. “Wherever you are, Tess, don’t hold back. Relive what happened, face your demons, inflict whatever you need to on me.” I might’ve sounded strong, but inside I was back to being a f**king boy who buried his mother and shot his father. I felt so alone. Always alone.
Her eyes closed, and a cape of horror came over her. Her energy changed from weak and closed off to ferocious and angry, so, so angry. “You made me do so many things. And yet you think you can order me again?”
Oh, shit. She’d left me. Her mind had regressed—she’d done exactly what I told her.
She sneered, picking up a thick paddle, running it along the inside of my thigh.
I didn’t mean to move. I meant to stay frozen and let her re-enact whatever she needed to, but the beast inside couldn’t do it. I struggled, jerking my wrists, wincing as the rope dug deeper.
“You think you can get away? You can’t. Not after what you made me do. Not after everything.” She picked up a whip in the other hand, brandishing both. “Would you prefer radiating pain or sharp pain?”