I don’t f**king need her.
A car screeched to a halt outside, kicking gravel against the windowpane. I sat up from my slouch to see Frederick charging from his Lexus and bolting for the front door. He exploded through the foyer and into the lounge. His eyes fell on me. Tearing around the furniture, he raced forward and planted his motherfucking fist in my jaw.
“You’re a dumb son of a bitch. In fact, you’re as stupid as she is.” Frederick hit me again, but this time I was ready for him. I ducked and swung, connecting with his ribcage.
He sucked in a breath, yelling, “I told you if you wanted to keep her you’d have to do something drastic.” He hit me again; it landed on my right shoulder.
Heat flashed through my veins and I snarled. “I did do something drastic. I hit her and demanded she come back to me—all while you f**king watched—and then she used the safe-word!” I grabbed the hideous vase I’d been staring at all night and hurled it across the room. It connected with another glass full of flowers, and they thundered to the floor in a chaos of breaking china. “What more can I do? I swore I’d stop if she ever used it.”
Frederick poked my chest with a finger. “You can pull your head out of your ass for one.” He roundhoused me, the f**ker, and his foot connected with my ear. I went down, landing on one knee on the carpet.
I glared, shooting upright to deliver a thick set of knuckles to his jaw.
I forgot why we fought and laid into him. It wasn’t the first time we’d beaten each other to shit, and it wouldn’t be the last. Being evenly matched meant Frederick delivered as good as he got.
I landed a few fists to his upper body, while he managed to cuff me around the head, making me see stars. We huffed and groaned, circling each other like two testosterone-fuelled idiots.
Each punch he delivered gave me something I missed. It gave me a reason to get up and kick his f**king lights out. But I didn’t.
Even though I lived to be violent, I kept myself tamed. I didn’t let myself go killer. I would never kill someone I cared about. And even though Frederick drove me crazy, I cared enough to keep him alive.
We were both breathing hard by the time Frederick did another one of his annoying karate moves and landed me on my ass. He stood over me, offering his hand.
The peace offering broke the tension and I clasped his grip, allowing him to drag me to my feet.
I licked the interior of my lip, pleasantly surprised to find I had a cut. “You’re getting vicious in your old age, Roux,” I mumbled, running a finger along the slice.
He huffed, dragging his hands through his out of place hair. “You deserved it. That was for Tess. For slapping her and being an ass**le. You won’t get her back by forcing her further into herself.”
“But that’s what she always reacts to! She craves pain. She craves what I crave. She’s the mirror image of me, Roux, and I miss her so f**king much.” Shit, where the hell did that come from?
I glowered, wishing I’d kept my mouth shut.
Frederick nodded, a light slowly building in his eyes. “You said she craves what you crave.” He cocked his head, pacing a few steps before spinning to face me. “Have you ever let her hit you? Whip you?”
I grabbed a drinking glass from the sideboard and threw it at his head.
What a f**king blasphemous thing to say. Let her hit me! No f**king way. Not a chance.
Frederick ducked the projectile; it smashed against the wall, adding to the pile of broken china and wilting flowers.
He held up a hand in surrender, thoughts whizzing in his g*y-ass blue eyes. “Wait! Hear me out. What if you let her do the things to you that you do to her?”
My jaw locked as panic spread thick and fast. Nothing terrified me more. I gulped at the thought of Tess hurting me, tying me up, degrading me—making me beg. Having complete and utter dominance over me.
“Il n’y a pas moyen putain. Je ne peux pas faire ça.” No f**king way. I can’t do it. I shook my head hard. “No chance.”
Frederick didn’t let it go. He strode forward, talking fast. I didn’t want to listen. I’d be willing to do anything to bring Tess back, but to let her rob me of everything that made me me? I didn’t want to think about it, it hurt too much. It wasn’t possible. Exactly why I hadn’t dreamed up the idea myself.
It would kill me.
“Tess said last night she’d been forced to hurt others. You said yourself—she’s strong enough to handle anything people do to her. But what if she wasn’t strong enough to handle hurting others? What if this shutdown is to stop herself from feeling pain when she made another cry, or worse?”
I backed away, trying so hard to ignore his logic.
He cornered me by the couch, delivering his final blow. “If it were me and I loved her as much as you say you do, I would do anything.”
“I would do anything but not that.”
“What wouldn’t you do? Think about it, Q. Admit it.”
The temper from the fight escalated again. “You’re saying I need to make her hurt me. That I need to take her back to that place and break down every f**king wall she’s built. You’re saying I need to sacrifice my own skin, my own pain to bring her back.” I sighed, wanting to wash my mouth out. “You’re telling me to do the impossible, Roux.”
I clutched my skull as a roaring headache appeared out of nowhere. The monster inside tore at my brain. No one can have that sort of power over me.
I wasn’t strong enough. I couldn’t do it.
But I knew.
Even though I couldn’t admit it.
Frederick was f**king right.
Images of hitting her, stringing her up, and f**king her hard, catapulted into my mind. She’d given me her trust, utterly and completely. I’d owned every part of her in that moment. Her eyes had been filled with ultimate trust, giving me the sweetest gift of thinking for her—of allowing me to own her.
She needs to own me to find her way back.
Holy f**k.
Frederick patted me on the back. “I’ll let myself out. I’ll check in on you in a few days. Fix this, Mercer. She’s your other half, and you need to realize that before you f**k this up and end up alone. I like the man you’re becoming because of her.”
I blinked as Frederick gave me one last smile, and true to his word, let himself out the front door.
Thoughts ran crazy in my mind. I stood there like a f**king idiot, trying to make sense of what just happened. Where the hell had he come from? Fucking bibbity bobbity booing around like a fairy godmother. Goddammit I hated him, even though I liked that he cared enough to beat some sense into me.
The grandfather clock in the foyer struck minutes in the silence, counting down the moments I had left before Tess was too far away to find. Before I made an offer I might not survive. Before I gave Tess the biggest gift I could give anyone.
I wanted to forget about Frederick’s epiphany. Surely, there was some other way to bring Tess back. I may be an ass**le, but the thought of what I had to do turned me into a scared, spineless ass**le.
You can’t walk away. Not now. Not when I owed Tess everything. Not when I couldn’t live without her.
“Goddammit.”
The beast inside disowned me, leaving me to my ruin.
Hating myself, I raced from the house.
Chapter 22
Save me, enslave me, you will never cave me. Taunt me, flaunt me, kill whatever haunts me...
I headed toward the village where I’d first run from Q. It would take me a while to get there, but I didn’t care.
Walking helped tame the cold emptiness inside. It gave me something to look at, something to think about other than memories locked tight against me.
I stopped to look at a pretty fantail darting in the late summer breeze when my legs disappeared from beneath me, and the air in my lungs escaped in a rush. I cried out as I landed over a strong, broad shoulder.
My eyes connected with the toned, sculptured ass of Q as he carried me back toward the house. I bumped and jostled and even though my ribs hurt, the protective shell my mind resided in didn’t let me wince.
Q hadn’t made a sound, even though the road was littered with twigs and crackly leaves. Somehow he’d tracked me down, pounced silently, and now held me captive.
I waited for the flutter of heartbeats—the knowledge and warmth that even though I hurt him so much last night, he couldn’t bear to let me go.
Nothing.
Only a dark stain appeared, clouding my thoughts, reminding me I had women’s blood beneath my fingernails and if I felt one emotion, I’d have to feel everything.
“Put me down,” I said.
Q didn’t say a word, striding purposely toward the house.
I pinched his butt, but he didn’t flinch. “Let me go, Q.”
“Never. You’re not f**king walking out of my life like this. Not yet.” His voice sounded off—fierce, angry, almost afraid.
“What are you doing?” I didn’t like the energy he emitted—the uncomfortable, edgy vibe.
He growled low in his chest, muttering a curse in French. He raised his voice. “You’re going to do something for me before you go.”
I frowned. “What do you want me to do?”
“I’ll tell you when we’re back at the house. And you won’t refuse, Tess. Because if you do, I’ll f**king kill you to put us both out of our misery.”
How much I wanted the thrill of terror at his words, the thickening of lust. I bounced on his shoulder, coaxing such feelings to manifest, but the best I could do was a pang of fear. Fear because I had no idea what Q had in store, and I hated newness. Newness always equalled terribleness. Newness meant beating up women and becoming dependant on drugs.
We didn’t say another word as Q carted me back like a kill he’d just shot. I didn’t whimper when my lungs ached from being squished, or complain when lightheadedness made me queasy from hanging upside down.
I didn’t make a peep as we entered the house or bat an eyelash when Franco stopped short, staring at me in Q’s grip.
Q took the steps two at a time, never out of breath from hauling my weight. He didn’t slow as we headed down the corridor. He smelled of alcohol and strain, even a trace of blood as he kicked open a door and carried me through.
The moment he slammed the door shut with his foot, he put me down. His lip was bruised and split, a shadow bloomed under his left eye, and he looked sleep deprived and tortured. What the hell happened to him?
He gave me a hard look with unreadable eyes, prowling to the bed.
I looked around. I’d never been in this room before. Painted in golds and reds, it had an exotic feel, a bit ostentatious, but it worked all the same. Q headed to the four-poster bed and tore off the thick duvet and sheeting, leaving a bare mattress. He headed to the bathroom before returning with four towels which he placed all over the bed, covering the fabric.
I stood unmoving, watching him tear around the room. Once he’d tugged and straightened the towel for the fifth time he came to stand in front of me, breathing hard.
He stood straighter, gathering energy from the room yet all the while seeming to shrink in on himself. His eyes locked with mine, and I gasped at the torment deep in their pale depths.
“Remember. If you refuse, I’ll kill you.”
Chapter 23
You crawled into the darkness, set my monster free, so scream, bleed, call out to me, but never say stop, never flee…
I stood in front of Tess ready to do something I’d never done in my life. Something I didn’t know if I could stomach. Something I didn’t know if I could walk away from.
“Merde.” I hung my head, running hands over my bruised face. The entire journey carrying Tess here, I tried to think of another way. A way where I could keep my f**ked-up sanity and still fix her.
But I couldn’t see any other logic.
There was no other way.
I had to let her take away my ownership, my very f**king life.
Tess stood there with her arms straight by her sides, her blonde curls so wild and carefree compared to her closed-off detachment.
I hated her in that moment—hated the coldness, the lack of connection. The way she left me to flounder and die of a broken heart. I wanted to throw her on the bed and make her scream. I wanted to do all sorts of things to her to get a reaction. I wanted to hurt her until she used the safe-word again but this time, ignore it. I wanted to push past her barriers and make her see the truth.
I can’t. I wouldn’t be responsible for destroying her mind.
Gritting my jaw, I ran hands through my hair. I couldn’t stand still. I was like a f**king schoolboy about to lose his virginity all over again.
And in a way I was.
“Tu ne sauras jamais ce que ça me coûte.” You’ll never know the cost of this, I murmured, looking up for the first time. “The amount it’s taxing me.”
Tess’s gaze softened. “Whatever it is, you don’t have to do it. I’ve caused enough damage.”
I growled, hating that I offered so much and she had the nerve to deny it. “It’s not a negotiation, Tess. You’re doing this. I’m just letting you know how much this will hurt me. How much I’m willing to put my life on the line—for you.”
She froze, nostrils flaring.
The word mistake danced in my mouth and I swallowed it back. This wasn’t a mistake. I f**king loved her, and it was time I told her that.
“I love you,” I snarled, as if was a terrible thing—an abomination.
Her eyes widened and she looked away. “Don’t do this, Q.”
I moved closer and grabbed her chin, forcing her to look at me. I let go of everything, every barrier, every smoke and mirror. I let her see everything I was. All the fear I felt, all the love I burned with. “You could be anywhere and I would still hurt, esclave.”