“That’s what I was calling to ask. I wanted to check in. See how Aidan’s doing?”
I smiled grimly, thinking sometimes I failed to appreciate what a great person Jim’s sister was. “Uh … well … I think I was practically kicked out.”
“What?” she snapped.
Her instant anger on my behalf was gratifying. “His friend Laine … she turned up, got out the whisky, and made it clear it was time for the grown-ups to be on their own. Aidan’s too fucked-up to care. He told me to leave, to go home, get some rest. I don’t know if he meant it or if he wanted me gone too.”
“No, Nora, I don’t believe that.”
“I don’t know.”
“Where are you now?”
“Just leaving. I’m going to find a bus.”
“Okay. Well, let me know when you get home.”
As it turned out, I didn’t need to let Seonaid know when I got home because she was already there waiting for me. At the sight of her standing outside my door, everything I’d been holding back for Aidan’s sake burst forth. My friend wrapped me in her arms and somehow managed to get my key out of my purse and get us into the flat while she hugged me.
“Oh, babe …” She settled me on the sofa and bustled around in my kitchen, putting the kettle on. “I’m so sorry. I know how fond you are of Sylvie.”
“I didn’t even get to hold her, to hug her or tell her goodbye!”
Seonaid flew back to my side to hold me until finally, after what felt like forever, I had no more tears inside me. Eventually, I curled up in the corner of the sofa with a mug of tea in my hands and I whispered, “I feel weary, Seonaid. I’m only twenty-two and I feel so goddamn weary.”
Seonaid studied me thoughtfully. Her next words shocked the hell out of me. “Maybe if you stopped punishing yourself for crimes you didn’t commit, you wouldn’t feel so bloody weary.”
I gaped at her. “What?”
“Don’t you think I know why you started volunteering at the hospital, why you avoided me and Mum and even Roddy for so long? I mean, if it hadn’t been for me, you would probably have stopped talking to us altogether.”
Stunned, I opened my mouth but I wasn’t sure what to say. To deny it would’ve been to lie to her, and she deserved better than that.
Seonaid leaned toward me, her kindness shining out of her eyes. “I know you didn’t love Jim the way he loved you. He knew it too. We spoke about it. You were a kid. You made a mistake marrying him, but you didn’t intend for it to be a mistake. And you can’t go on punishing yourself for that. I loved my brother, dearly, but he loved you selfishly, Nora. He wanted to keep you all to himself, and that was a disaster waiting to happen. But you … you, babe, can rest assured that even knowing you didn’t love him the way he loved you, you gave my brother some of the happiest years of his short life.”
Tears slipped quietly down her pretty face and she gave me a sad smile. “If you’re punishing yourself for that, stop. Do you honestly think if you were this horrible person who ruined my brother’s life that I would still be here? That I would love you as much as I do?”
A sob burst out of me before I could stop it, and the tears I’d thought had dried up welled out of me again. I threw my arms around her, holding on for dear life. The relief I felt shook me to my soul, because this was Seonaid, the person Jim loved best.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, holding on to her like she was a life raft. “I’m so sorry.”
And for the second time that day, my friend soothed the grief out of me.
Sometime later, exhausted, I laid curled up on the couch, my palms beneath my head. I looked across the small space at Seonaid curled up on the opposite couch, seemingly daydreaming with glazed eyes to my wall.
“I love them,” I confessed.
Her eyes flew to mine in surprise. “Who?”
“Sylvie and Aidan.” I forced back fresh tears that threatened, tired of their salt on my skin. “I’m in love with him, Seonaid. It hurts to be this far from him while he’s going through this. It hurts so fucking much. I’ve never felt like this before. And I went into this thing with them knowing I’d get my heart broken. But I thought that was what was meant to happen. That I was supposed to help them through losing Nicky, be someone they could count on, use me up and move on from me better for it. Now my heart is breaking and I can’t stand it like I thought I could. Sylvie’s gone. I don’t know if I’ll ever see her again. And Aidan … this was the test, right? And he doesn’t need me. I don’t blame him because what can I offer him? I’ve nothing to offer a man like that. I’m merely some shop girl who doesn’t have the balls to get over her dead husband and pick up the pieces of her life—instead, I hang out at a children’s hospital like some pathetic widow.”
“That is enough,” Seonaid hissed, her eyes flashing angrily at me.
I flinched at the fury in her voice and slowly eased into a sitting position.
“You are not even twenty-three years old yet, Nora. You’re smart, you’re funny, you’re beautiful, and you have all the time in the world to pick up the pieces of your life and make something of it. And you will. I know, deep in my gut, you will. You’re special, Nora. It’s what drew Jim to you and I’m sure it’s what captured Aidan’s attention. He’d be lucky to have you. Any man would. And he’s just had the second-worst fucking day of his life months after the worst fucking day of his life. Stop putting yourself down and be what he needs. Go back there tomorrow, this Laine bitch be damned, and remind him that you are his best friend.”
With Seonaid’s words of encouragement buoying my confidence, I headed to Aidan’s the next morning. To my frustration, it was Laine who answered the door buzzer and let me into the building.
She was waiting for me at the apartment door and I felt a flare of panic when I saw she was wearing the same clothes she’d been wearing the night before. Her makeup was washed off and although she looked tired, it was clear she didn’t need a lot of makeup anyway. Her grim, pitying expression made my panic mount.
“Come in.” She gestured me inside, placing a comforting hand on my shoulder as I stepped into the apartment.
I barely heard her close the door behind me because I was stunned by the sight in the living room. Or rather, the lack of a sight.
All of Aidan’s music equipment, the instruments and computers, were gone.
Just gone.
The space was entirely bare.
“What’s going on?”
“Nora … I don’t know how to tell you this, and I’m sure I’m the last person you want to hear it from considering my past terrible behavior …” Laine’s sympathy made we want to scream at her to spit it out. “Aidan’s gone.”
My knees trembled, as though the floor had shifted beneath my feet. “Gone? What do you mean, he’s gone?”
Anger flickered in Laine’s eyes, frustration maybe. “Yesterday after you left, he suddenly started making arrangements to leave the country. He took a job in LA so he can be close to Sylvie, but it meant leaving early this morning.” She gestured to his space. “He managed to wrangle a company that could get his gear together last minute and he’s got someone over there looking for a place for him.”
No.
What?
I gaped at her in disbelief. The panic I’d felt earlier spread over my lungs so I was finding it hard to breathe. “He wouldn’t … he just left?” Without saying goodbye, without explaining? No.
Aidan.
The genuine sympathy in Laine’s eyes gutted me.
Shredded my insides. Or what was left of the tatters in there.
“Nora, I hope what I’m about to say will help in the long run, even if it doesn’t feel like it now. But … this would’ve happened, even if Sylvie hadn’t been a factor. Believe me. I’ve been in Aidan’s life longer than any woman and he is the ultimate bachelor. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you—I’m sure he does—but he can be a real arsehole to women. I love him but it’s the truth. He makes them all feel like his best friend, like he’s never felt anything like it before, and maybe he even believes it for a while. I think he does. But only for a while. And then he gets bored and moves on. I was surprised he was with you so long until … well,” she winced in the damned sympathy again. “He told me you two never actually slept together, which is probably why you lasted longer than any of the others. Anticipation. Like I said. He can be such a bloke.