“Please,” I begged in an effort to change his mind. I needed him more than I’d ever needed anyone.
I watched him swallow before he grabbed my face in both hands and pressed his forehead to mine. “I love you, but I can’t. You have to let me go,” he said, his voice strained. The emotion in his voice told me he was struggling with this just as much as I was. He let go of me suddenly and I fell to my knees. I didn’t care that I was in a crowded park in the middle of an art show. Nothing mattered anymore. The man I loved was standing right in front of me and there was nothing I could do to keep him here. I’d lost him forever.
He started to walk away from me and the dam broke. He was gone. I watched my whole world walk away. I should run after him, but it was useless. My legs were weak and my heart was even weaker. Why didn’t I fight harder for him when I’d had him? That question would ring in my head over and over for days as I tried to heal my somber heart.
Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. Life was full of truths that don’t play out in romance novels. Sometimes we don’t get our happily ever after.
It had been eighteen day, sixteen hours and twenty-seven minutes since I last saw Dane. He either quit attending or dropped our Art class right after our encounter in the park. The first day I thought he just needed some space, but after that I realized he was never coming back. There wasn’t one hour since the day I met Dane Wright that I didn’t think about him. He taught me so much in the little time I had known him and even if I couldn’t have him, his lessons would always be with me. I was learning to let go and breathe again, but there would always be a big piece of me missing.
“Alex, you ready to go?” Jade stood behind me with the last box from our dorm room. Her parents offered to let me stay at their place during the summer since they would be in Europe. I didn’t want to take a handout, but they convinced me Jade would be better off with me than without me.
I walked to the door and took one more glance at my first dorm room. There were so many memories in this room: some good and some bad. I would never forget my first year of college. There was the bed Dane sat on every morning when he brought me coffee and the large mirror behind the door I always caught him looking at me in. Those memories would be with me forever.
I wiped a single tear from my eye when I saw it peeking out from under the bed. When we were in Greenwich, we took the only picture I would ever have of the two of us. I had it printed before I went to confront my parents as a reminder of why I couldn’t take in their poison anymore. Dane was one memory that would never fade out, whether I had a picture or not. I grabbed it, rubbing my finger over his beautiful face and tucked it into my bag.
Rain was falling in sheets as we stepped outside. I made no effort to cover myself as we made our way to the car. Her small SUV was packed with boxes as we pulled out of our parking space. My mind focused on the picture as I pressed my forehead against the window. The memory left me crushed, yet again. I’d never been a fighter and I wondered if I gave our relationship my best effort. Why did my first fight have to be the biggest fight of my life?
Something in me snapped. “Stop,” I said, clapping my hands together.
“What? Why?” Jade asked, lines forming between her eyebrows. She pulled close to the curb.
I looked at her and understanding passed between us. “I’ll be right back,” I said.
She nodded as I ran out the door and through six lanes of traffic to get to the other side of the street. I was being irrational, but for the first time in my life I didn’t have a plan. It was exhilarating. I didn’t bother buzzing his apartment; I knew he wouldn’t answer. So I waited for a few minutes before an older gentleman buzzed himself in with a bag of groceries in hand. I held the door open and followed him inside. Running up the stairs I should have been nervous, but all I felt was excitement. I practically bounced down the hall until I reached his door.
My heart sunk when I knocked and there was no answer. I had a quick flash of every possible scenario while I waited to get into the building, but I hadn’t imagined the one where he wasn’t home. It was now or never for me. I knocked again only to be met with more silence. I was dejected and sick. It was really over. I changed my life and fought for him, but it wasn’t enough.
I put my back to the wall and slid to the floor, wrapping my arms around my folded knees. I was so lost in my tears that I didn’t hear the door open behind me. “What are you doing here?” a familiar voice asked. I whipped my head around to see Dane standing there in nothing but black sweatpants. His hair had grown longer since I last saw him and he had days of stubble. He looked as dejected as I felt.
“You didn’t answer,” I whispered as I stood up to face him.
“I worked late last night. What are you doing here?” He rested his arm on the top of the doorframe, never removing his eyes from mine. The contact gave me hope as I pulled the picture out of my purse. “Do you remember when we took this?”
He took the photo, staring at if for a second before looking back into my eyes. “Yeah, it was the weekend you left me.”
I winced. I guess I deserved that. “That day I put all my old photos in a box. Do you remember that?” He nodded, drawing his mouth in a straight line. “Dane, I’m not ready to put you in a box. I don’t want you to be a memory. I want you to be my reality. What can I do to prove to you I’m all in this time?”
He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “You hurt me. You hurt me twice, Alex, and I can’t go through that again. What happens the next time you get scared?” He didn’t have to tell me. I could see it in his eyes; he doubted me. I would have to work really hard to regain his trust.
“I won’t. The only thing that scares me now is losing you.” I put my hand on his chest; I could feel his heart beating against my palm. “I won’t hurt you again.”
“What about your parents, Alex?” he asked, running his hands through his hair.
“I don’t talk to them anymore. I’m switching my major to Art and they cut me off completely. I did it because of you. That day in the park, I was there displaying my own work. You made me a better person.” I cradled his cheeks in my hands, rubbing my thumbs over his cheekbones. He didn’t pull back so I leaned forward and kissed his lips lightly. “Please.”
He lost all resolve with my last word and wrapped his arms around me so tightly I couldn’t breathe. I was back in his arms and I wasn’t ever going to let him go again. He pulled back just enough to kiss my lips. That was all the confirmation I needed. All my hopes, desires and expectations were met and I did it by just being me. I didn’t have to pretend anymore.
“Do you want to come in?” he asked against my lips, a smile starting to play on his lips. He was so freaking beautiful.
My timing sucked. “Jade is waiting for me downstairs. We’re heading to her parents place in The Hamptons for the summer.”
He kissed me again. This time it wasn’t short and sweet. It was full of hunger and need. He worked his way along my jaw then nibbled on my earlobe before pulling back. “Bring the boxes up here,” he groaned.
I pulled back so I could look into his eyes, feeling a warm tingle run through my body. “What did you say?” I whispered.
“Bring your boxes up here. Stay with me.” Ten minutes ago I thought I would never see Dane again, and now he was asking me to move in with him. The world works in the strangest ways. I guess there was something to be said about spontaneity. I loved the man standing before me more than anything and I was going to try my hardest to never come between us again.
I thought about Jade sitting outside. What was she going to say when I told her I was moving in with Dane? Then it hit me. I had vowed that if I ever got Dane back in my arms, I wouldn’t let anyone get in our way. If Dane was as important as I knew he was, I couldn’t let anyone get in our way. “Okay,” I finally whispered.
He swung me in a circle, causing a laugh to escape my body for the first time in over a month. “You don’t know how happy I am to hear that. It might take you all summer to make up the last couple months. I love you,” he said, placing me back on my feet. My heart fluttered as I heard the honesty behind his words.
“I love you, too.”
I learned something today. Redemption isn’t something that comes fast and easy. You have to put all your effort and heart into it to make it work. It can’t be forced or bought; it simply had to be earned. It requires honesty, commitment and trust. Dane and I have some things to work on, but as long as there is effort, there is hope.
Little girls dream about growing up and living in a big house with a gorgeous husband and a pink plastic convertible. It’s not until much later in life that you realize what really matters. Love isn’t about what you have or who you know. It’s about how you earn what you have and how you treat those you love. The material things don’t matter when your heart is full of joy and contentment.
My plastic heart became glass the day I met Dane Wright.