“Are you here with anyone?” he finally asked as his eyes traveled down my body.
“Just Jade,” I said, grasping the bar to hold myself up.
His smile grew wide as his eyes met mine again. “You look like you could use some fresh air. Want to step outside with me?”
I looked around and didn’t see Jade. The sounds in the room were starting to overwhelm me. Maybe fresh air would help. “Lead the way,” I said. He grabbed my hand and led me out to a small balcony. The night air was chilly, but with all the alcohol warming my body I couldn’t feel it.
I honestly couldn’t tell you what we talked about for most of the time we remained outside. He mentioned he worked at an investment firm, but I didn’t catch which one. I wondered if he went into it because he wanted to or someone else wanted him to, but I didn’t care enough to ask. He looked like he came from money, but that was presumptuous of me; maybe he genuinely enjoyed it.
“It’s nice out here tonight,” Mason observed as I nodded in agreement. “You’re a Pre-Med major, right?”
“Yep.” I considered making an excuse to go inside, but the evening air felt good. I didn’t come here to talk, but Mason was easy to talk to.
“What kind of doctor do you want to be?” he asked. I didn’t know him well enough to tell him the truth.
“I’m undecided,” I answered, moving my eyes to the skyline before returning them to him.
We stood there facing each other, h*ps resting against the old black railing. I felt better than I had in days thanks to the noise, the alcohol and Mason. He didn’t know the pain I was in and the things I had done. He talked to me like there wasn’t a care in the world and I felt normal. After several minutes a breeze blew past us sending chills through my body and he began running his hands up and down the lengths of my arms. I inadvertently looked up, right into his eyes and before I knew it his lips were on mine.
I didn’t know how to react at first. My body stiffened and my instinct was to push him away, run until I was back in the comforts of my own dorm room, but the alcohol froze me in place. As if he knew what I was thinking, he wrapped his arms around me and deepened the kiss. Something about the way he held and kissed me, relaxed me. He was warm and when I closed my eyes, it was like something I had missed out on for weeks was suddenly there. It was comfort, warmth and want. His hands started to travel up my back, then through my hair before cradling my neck.
After several minutes, he pulled away. “It’s getting chilly out here. Do you want to find somewhere warm inside?” I just nodded as he grabbed my hand and lead me back inside. I didn’t think much about where we were going. There was warmth in my body that hadn’t been there in two weeks and whether it was the alcohol or Mason, I didn’t care. I couldn’t think straight and I didn’t question him when we ended up in his room with the door closed. It was quiet again; the sounds of the city muffled with the sounds of those who were socializing outside his door.
My earlier calm had begun to fade as he walked me back until my legs met his bed. He kissed my lips and before I knew what was happening, I was laying on my back with him on top of me. I started to tell myself that I needed to do this, move on from Dane and all the things I could never have. Dane held my heart; he was my first, my one, my only and I couldn’t have him. This was the new Alex and I was going to have to get used to it one way or another. He lifted my sweater above my head and I let him. He placed kisses between my br**sts and down my stomach while working at the buttons on my jeans. All I could do was lay there with my eyes shut, willing the pain to go away. Dane didn’t do this to me. I did this. I put myself here.
As my jeans made their way down my legs, I felt a tear slide down the side of my face. I was about to give Mason something I had only given to one person. I held onto my ideals on love and sex for a long time and now I had to let it go. The numbness I felt before I opened my heart was back and I planned to use it to get through this. I needed to forget everything and feel nothing. More tears fell as I squeezed my eyes shut, waiting. I didn’t move. I just laid there as my underwear was removed and then heard him discarding of his own clothes. He kissed his way back up my body again. I was shaking and if he could feel it, he didn’t say anything. His hardness was pressed against my leg, but I felt nothing inside. I just wanted this to be over with, but I couldn’t move a muscle. It was like I was frozen in place. I wanted to replace all the aching.
With every kiss, I felt Dane’s lips. With every touch, I felt Dane’s hands. With every second that went by, I felt I was losing a little more of myself and soon there wouldn’t be anything left.
He placed one more kiss on my mouth before whispering, “Beautiful” against my lips and I instantly froze. I couldn’t do this, not now, not with him saying that to me. That was Dane’s word and suddenly I felt like I was being woken from a dream. “Stop! Please stop! I have to go! I can’t breathe.”
I didn’t open my eyes until I felt his body leave mine and even then it was more out of the necessity to find my clothes and get out of there. He looked mortified, standing by the bed completely naked. Hands wrapped around the back of his neck. “Jesus, what did I do?”
“I’m sorry. I just can’t.” I was full on crying at this point, trying to get dressed as sobs shook my body. I had been stupid to think I could just give this to someone who didn’t have my heart or at least to give it to someone when someone else still had my whole heart.
I whispered sorry to him again as I ran out the door, tears still streaming down my face. I should have stopped to tell Jade that I was leaving but I couldn’t. I needed to go. As I rounded the corner to the living area, I saw him. My heart fell out of my chest.
I froze. This was more than I could handle right now. I needed to get out of here and go somewhere to be alone. Just as I started to walk toward the door, his eyes went to my face then shot behind me. I looked back to see Mason standing there, looking completely lost. Before I could think or move, Dane was working his way over to me, his face so angry that I walked backward until I was pressed against the wall. I needed something to hold me up; my knees were weak and I wanted to be anywhere but here.
He stopped right in front of me, his face only inches from mine. I pinched my eyes closed; I couldn’t be this close to him. I wanted to kiss him and tell him everything would be fine, but I couldn’t do that anymore. He pointed his finger right at me, “It was Mason? You left me for Mason? From the look on your face right now, I would say things aren’t going so f**king well.” He walked toward Mason, punching the wall along the way. This was not going to be good. What have I done?
“Dane, stop!” I screamed, but it didn’t stop him. He didn’t even flinch. Dane stepped up to Mason and before Mason even knew what was coming, Dane punched him in the face. He immediately fell to the ground and Dane straddled him, continuing to hit him. I yelled for him to stop, but he didn’t. I was relieved when Tyler and another guy came and pulled them apart. I could hear Dane breathing from where I stood and when he looked back over to me, I flinched. This was all because of me; it was because of my actions and my lies.
“Dane, you need to leave. Do you want me to walk you home?” Tyler asked as he slowly loosened his grip on Dane’s arm.
“No,” Dane yelled at him before starting toward me yet again. He stopped and looked right into my eyes. “I hope he makes you happy.” And just like that he was gone, walking toward the door. I didn’t want him to think I left him for Mason or that I left him for anyone. This hurt me and I couldn’t imagine what it was doing to him.
I pushed my way through the crowd toward Dane. I saw him walk out the door and sped up to get to him before he left the building. He was almost to the end of the hallway. “Dane, stop!” I yelled as loud as I could through my tears. He stopped, but didn’t turn around to look at me. I walked closer to him until we were only a few feet apart. “I need to tell you something.” My voice and body shook uncontrollably.
He spun around to look at me, staring at me with his dark eyes. “I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Do you know what you did to me? You broke me, Alex. This f**king hurts, so f**king bad.”
Another tear rolled down my cheek. “I know. I’m so sorry, but I need you to know there is no one else. There was only you and there has only ever been you. I need you to know that.”
He let out a cynical laugh. “I just saw you come out of Mason Lander’s goddamn bedroom and you want me to believe this shit? You told me there was someone else. You said you didn’t love me.” His last few words made me flinch.
I couldn’t take it anymore. “Damn it, I didn’t leave you because I wanted to. I had to Dane. My parents would’ve ruined us both. I didn’t want to do it, believe me, if there was another way.” His eyes shifted slightly from anger to confusion. I grabbed the front of his t-shirt in an attempt to pull him closer. “I love you. I need you to know that.”
His body was tense, but he didn’t push me away. “Really? If you love me, what were you doing with Mason?”
“He was a mistake. A big mistake.” I tightened my hands around his shirt to pull him closer. I could feel his heartbeat against my fists.
“Did you..?” He was shaking and I knew what he was asking. That was something I had only given to him and he knew it.
“God, no. You still have me. All of me. I couldn’t.” He let out a huge breath before wrapping his arms around me.
He rested his forehead on mine, his eyes closed tight. “Come home with me then.”
“I can’t, Dane. I’m sorry. Some choices aren’t mine to be made.” As soon as the words left my mouth, his arms left me and he grabbed my wrists to free my hands from his shirt. I looked into his eyes and the pain I saw there was unlike anything I had ever seen or ever wanted to see in the eyes of another person, especially one I loved. I could feel myself melting and knew if I didn’t get out from under his hot stare soon, I would give him everything he needed and everything we both wanted. The tears rolled down my face as I whispered one more sorry and stepped forward to get closer to him.