“That’s the catchphrase of your life at the moment, Nash. ‘Difficult.’ You are a strong man, a good man, and you can handle anything life throws at you, no matter how difficult it may be. I want you to know, this man—the man you are now—he is a man you can be proud of. You are the greatest thing I ever created. Don’t doubt it.”
Well, shit, if that didn’t just make me want to bawl all over the place. I had to clench my hands hard into fists to keep all the emotion down.
“All I ever wanted was for my mom to tell me that. Now I know hearing it from you—the person that got me here—is a million times more valuable. Thanks, Phil.”
I was still having some difficulty thinking of him as my “dad.” His fingers patted my shaved head.
“I should have been braver. Shouldn’t have been so concerned that you would hate me for not telling you. I wanted your mother to be accountable, but once you came to stay with me permanently … I should have told you the truth.”
“Well, I wish I had known sooner, wish I could have time to appreciate one parent being proud of me. The choices she made make it really easy for me to come to terms with the fact she might have given birth to me, but she was never really my mother.”
“I was proud of you long before you had any idea you were my son, Nash. Your mom is a complicated woman, she always had a pretty clear-cut idea of the way her life should look. Neither you nor I fit in that vision.”
He moved his hand and I finally looked up at him. If I was swallowing it all down—the feelings, the time lost—the history was glassy and bright in his eyes.
“She should have just let you take me from the get-go. It would have saved everyone a lot of heartache.”
“We can’t go back in time, son, all we can do is move forward smarter and far more carefully.” He broke off in a coughing fit that didn’t look like it was going to end, and ended up needing his oxygen and some pain medicine. I helped him with both and realized I was going to have to cut the visit short.
I got him settled and tried not to worry that every single time I saw him it felt like it was going to be the last time.
“Call Salem. She’s just what you guys need, and I think you guys will love her.”
“Why do I feel like there is more to that story than you’re telling me?”
He gave me a weak grin and his eyes drifted shut. “You know me; I always like to offer a helping hand when I can: you, Rule, Jet, Rowdy, Cora. I made my own little family out of lost souls. I’m hoping as time goes on, you guys will extend the tradition. I taught you well in everything I thought you needed to learn to have a good life, son.”
He really had. Every life lesson he felt I needed to know, he had used his own unique way to teach me. I got in the Charger and cranked on the radio so I could listen to the music loud. Flatfoot 56 blasted through the speakers and I thought maybe if I drowned out all my other senses, I couldn’t feel the pain that seeing Phil disappear in front of my very eyes caused. I sent Saint a text because really she was the only thing that was going to make me feel better.
Sure, I could go get drunk with Asa at the Bar, I could call Rome and go throw weights around at the gym, Rule would drop everything and come by and listen to me gripe, Rowdy would pull himself away from whoever he was into for the night and come entertain me, and Jet … well, Jet was never in town anymore, but I knew I could call him and bitch. I had friends, people that loved me, were suffering the loss right alongside me, and yet she was the only one that dulled the burn, the ripping feeling that was left after that kind of visit.
Gonna order pizza. Wanna come over after work?
Her: Won’t be off until late.
Doesn’t matter … you could actually stay the night this time.
That was a low blow and was wussy and passive-aggressive. But I felt like crap, so I tried to man up a little more with my next message.
I had a rough visit with Phil. He is barely hanging on, it looks like. I would like to see you, and I would like for you to stay with me.
There wasn’t a response back for a while, so I had to start the car and head toward home. My insides were all twisted up and there was a sour taste running all along my tongue. I wanted to hit something or let something hit me.
I was pulling up in front of the Victorian when she finally sent me a message back. It galled. I had never waited around to hear from a chick before, especially a chick that I didn’t really know was into me to the same level that I was into her. I didn’t do self-doubt anymore and I hated that she was churning it up in me.
Her: Sorry a guy shot with a nail gun walked in. If you don’t mind me showing up a little later I’ll be there. Go ahead and eat without me.
What about staying with me?
I had to push my luck. I felt too open, was bleeding everything I was feeling all over the place with no way to stop the flow.
Her: Can we talk about that later? I just got two more patients.
Go to work. I’ll see you later.
I sighed feeling wholly torn up and unsatisfied when she sent: I’m so sorry about Phil. That isn’t fair and I’m sorry you’re hurting.
That was the thing about her, no matter how far away she seemed, there was just something there, some tie that made me believe that eventually she would come around and realize that we could be something amazing and special together.
I got out of the car and called the pizza place that knew me on a first-name basis. I ordered dinner and was putting my phone in my back pocket when a female voice swearing and a loud thumping caught my attention.
My neighbor was standing outside of her closed apartment door kicking it solidly with the toe of a high heel that was pinker than pink. She was using language that made me grin, and scowled at me when I asked her if I could help her with anything. She shoved her dark red hair over her shoulder and put her hands on her hips. Today she looked like she had come from some kind of fashion show, minus the disgruntled expression on her face.
“I always lock the door behind me. Any door, every door, which is normally a good thing, but not when my keys are on the other side. I left my cell in the car, and I was only two steps into the hallway when I realized I didn’t grab my freaking keys.” She groaned dramatically and threw her hands up. “So my phone is stuck in my car and my keys are stuck in my apartment and I am an idiot.”
I lifted an eyebrow at her because she growled and shoved her hand through her hair.
“You can use my phone to call the landlord, though it might be faster to call a locksmith. I ordered a pizza; you can come over and hang out for a minute.”
Her eyebrows shot up and she frowned at me. “Isn’t that gonna make the girlfriend freak out?”
I had no clue. “I don’t know.”
“About the freak-out or the girlfriend?”
“Both. Do you want to use my phone or not?”
She sighed and followed me into my apartment. I handed her my phone and she used the Internet to find a locksmith that would be there within an hour. She threw herself on my sofa and stared at the ceiling.
“If I could get into my trunk, I have a lockpick set. I bet I could break in.”
I offered her a beer and took a seat on the opposite side of the couch.
“Why do you have that?”
She went on like she hadn’t even heard me. “And my partner … jeez when he hears about this, I’m never living it down. I locked us out of the squad car two weeks ago.”
What? “Royal?”
She turned to look at me and I could see she was aggravated. “Yeah?”
“What exactly do you do?”
She huffed out a breath and rolled the beer between her hands. “I’m a cop.”
Again, what? “Seriously?” I couldn’t keep the disbelief out of my tone.
“Yeah. I told you that you wouldn’t believe me if I told you what I did. No one does. I graduated from the academy last year, so I’m a newbie cop, but still a cop.”
I let my disbelieving gaze drop to her silly shoes and flashy outfit. “Really?” I couldn’t picture her with a badge and a gun to save my life.
“I’m still a girl, but yeah, I’m a patrol officer. That’s why my hours are so all over the place and why I think I got a good read on people.”
There was a knock on the door and I went to retrieve the pizza. I put it down in front of her on the coffee table and didn’t bother to find a plate. It wasn’t like I was trying to impress her or anything. She rolled her eyes and fetched a slice.
“Well, your instinct that you had about Saint was way off. You said she was into me, had a crush, but lately I feel like all she has me doing is chasing my own tail.”
Royal laughed a little and I thought really it meant something that I wasn’t the least bit attracted to her. I was so hung up on Saint that even though I knew my neighbor was inarguably beautiful and fun, she just wasn’t it for me.
“Nash, I’ve seen her. When she’s coming, when she’s going, she always has the same look on her face. She’s excited to see you, to be with you, but underneath that she is terrified. I don’t know the whole story, but if she’s making you chase your tail, believe me when I tell you there is no way she isn’t spinning herself in just as many circles trying to catch her own as well.”
God, I hoped so, because if I was the only one feeling dizzy and nauseous, it made this ride way less fun.
“We went to high school together, ran in pretty different circles. I bumped into her at the ER last year when a buddy got into a bar fight. She had a thing for me back then and apparently thought I was saying really terrible things about her and it left a mark on her. I was saying really terrible things because I was a hothead and was kind of a jerk, but they weren’t about her. Now she can’t seem to get over it, even though it feels like it was in another lifetime.”
She gave me a hard look and reached for another slice of pizza.
“A girl’s first love is a big deal. We never really get over it.”
“I don’t think it was love.”
She pointed the top of her beer bottle at me and squinted her dark eyes. “I think you’re wrong. If she’s holding on to it that tightly, still scared you’re going to turn on her, hurt her again even though you’ve obviously changed and clearly care about her, it was first love.”
I wanted to argue, but I had seen how powerful first love could be. Shaw had loved Rule since the first time she laid her eyes on him, and even though it had taken years for him to see it, she had never wavered in her devotion to him. Cora’s first love had broken her heart by being unfaithful and abandoning her, it had almost cost her the perfect love she was searching for when Rome came barreling into her life. First love was indeed powerful, and if I had really tarnished it for Saint, there stood a really good chance she might never let me in, would never trust me enough.
I was going to tell my pretty neighbor how much I thought that sucked when there was a light knock on the door. Thinking it was the locksmith, I got up and swung the door open. I felt my jaw go slack in surprise when I came face-to-face with the girl I couldn’t get off my mind. She looked like she had just come from work. Her hair was up in a bun on the top of her head and she still had her scrubs on. I was going to ask her how she had gotten off so early but her gaze was locked on Royal and her mouth was a tight, flat line. She didn’t even glance at me.
“Hey.”
Those storm-cloud-colored eyes flicked up to mine and a soft pink flooded into her face.
“Hey.”
“You got off work early.”
Her gaze shot back to Royal, who had gotten up and wandered over to the door.
“I did. One of the other girls came in early by chance, and I was worried about how you were doing after your visit.” There was a definite thread of accusation in her tone.