She clenched her fingers into fists, her nails digging into her palms, making her focus on her physical discomfort and not the lancing pain in her chest as Jayce took a step back from her.
“You know where I’ll be if you need me,” he said quietly, his voice so distant it broke her heart.
Turning around, she blinked to see him already gone. He’d moved so quickly, so quietly, she wasn’t sure if he’d returned to the kitchen or gone upstairs.
For a moment she wanted to go after him, find him, and drag him to bed with her. But she held herself back. If she ran after him, she’d have no one else to blame when he eventually broke her heart again.
Chapter 15
Pain splintered throughout her body. . . . Her ribs were broken, maybe a leg too . . . pain, so much fucking pain. She tried to cry out but her mouth was taped shut.
Apparently the bastard had gotten tired of her screams, though he’d seemed to like them enough in the beginning. Her throat was too raw to scream anymore, so it didn’t matter.
“Jayce,” she said in her mind. Why wasn’t he there? Why wasn’t he saving her? When she’d been taken from the hospital parking lot, she’d held on to hope even as this monster strung her up with rope so that her toes barely touched the ground.
Even when he’d stripped off her clothes, she’d held on to pathetic shreds of hope that Jayce would magically appear.
Now, all she wanted to do was die. Anything to stop this pain. She’d fought as best she could, but her arms were bound, her mouth was taped, and her insides hurt so damn bad she knew she had internal bleeding.
Knew it with a certainty that didn’t scare her anymore. Death was close. So close she could practically taste it. See it surrounding her. And she was so tempted to give in to it.
But why wasn’t Jayce here? Why wasn’t he helping her? He’d promised to always be there for her, no matter what. Even when she’d broken up with him. He’d told her that he would never let her down. All she had to do was call . . .
The monster with a human face walked to her again, rage mottling his features, turning his face a bright red. Rage because he was an impotent fuck. It was the only thing that gave her any sort of satisfaction. When he raised the whip again, she closed her eyes and tried to scream—
Kat’s eyes flew open to the feel of someone stroking her head. Fear jumped in her gut, a raw, clawing animal. It took a few long moments of terror for her to realize that there was no danger. Only calm, and quiet.
She wasn’t in her human form anymore. Looking up, she saw Jayce sitting on the edge of her bed, softly petting her head. As she glanced around the bed she realized her pajamas were shredded and the comforter was a tangled mess at the foot of it.
Had she been crying in her sleep? She must have been. It was the only explanation for why she’d turned into her animal form without consciously thinking about it. Her inner wolf wanted to protect her from all her pain. Too bad nothing could do that.
But something else could drown out her sorrow, even if it would be fleeting. Taking a deep breath, she let herself relax as she underwent the change back to her human form.
Jayce didn’t move, just sat there staring at her. She lightly shook her head, clearing the haziness from her vision and trying to adjust to her body once again.
“You screamed,” he said, explaining his presence. Something she’d already guessed. “What happened?” Jayce’s voice was quiet and soothing and she knew his question was about the past. About what had happened to her in that barn.
She yanked the covers up to shield her nakedness. Something dark inside her hated that he’d put himself out there for her. Telling her he loved her with no expectations. And he was being so fucking nice it broke her heart. He hadn’t been there for her when she needed him most. He hadn’t saved her!
Yet he was all concerned and damn near perfect now. She wanted to throttle him. Wanted to throttle anything at the moment if it would make the pain inside her disappear. The rage grew, twisting inside her like a living thing. Her heart hammered; her breathing turned shallow. Even though she knew it was irrational, she dropped the covers and launched herself at him. She pounded his chest with her fists.
He didn’t deserve this, but she couldn’t stop herself. It was as if she was possessed. “You weren’t there for me!” The words tore from her throat even as she hated herself for saying them, let alone thinking them. Jayce wasn’t omniscient. He might be a skilled warrior, but he couldn’t be everywhere, couldn’t fight every battle.
He swallowed hard, his face twisting into a pained expression that she’d never witnessed before. “I know, and I’m so fucking sorry. I’d have traded places with you in a second.” His deep, ragged voice rolled over her, soothing her as it simultaneously made a burning shame surge through her. Like lava, it scorched her insides and hurt worse than any torture she’d endured. The pain in his voice was an almost tangible thing, making her ache worse with each second that passed.
His complete submission to her blows stunned and stilled her. He thought he deserved to be punished. That was why he hadn’t stopped her.
She should pull away and leave him alone, but she couldn’t let him suffer like she was suffering. He didn’t deserve it, no matter the anger-injected words she’d just flung at him like sharp daggers. She wrapped her arms around his neck tightly and buried her face against his chest, unable to control the sobs wracking her body. She’d cried so much directly after what had happened, but she’d never allowed anyone to hold her or comfort her. Not like this. And not while she was naked and vulnerable. She’d also never told anyone what happened to her.
“He . . . didn’t rape me, but he tried. More than once.”
His body stiffened and his grip around her waist grew tighter. With one hand he stroked the length of her spine, letting her continue.
“He couldn’t get it up. It was the only thing that made his beatings bearable.” The more she spoke, the easier it was to get things out. Even if uncontrollable tears still tracked down her face, she almost felt a sense of freedom. “I don’t know how much Aiden or one of the others told you?” She formed it as a question, pausing to let him answer.
“Just that you were near death and covered in blood. He also mentioned that you likely had internal bleeding.” The hand on her waist flexed once before he returned to his preternaturally still state.
She knew the animal part of him was enraged right now. Though he didn’t make any overt moves, the air seemed to be pulsing with a scary sort of energy. Not directed at her, though; its object was her dead attacker, whom neither of them could do anything about now. Something she hated every single day.
“He beat me with a whip and touched me any way he wanted and I couldn’t do a damn thing.” Her voice broke on the last word and she realized she was trembling when Jayce started rubbing her back in circles and murmuring soothing sounds.
“I’m so fucking sorry, Kat.” His voice was just as broken as she felt inside.
Stretching out on the bed, she covered him with her body, not caring that she was naked and he was nearly so. The feel of his muscular body underneath her was an anchor she desperately needed. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” she said through her tears and sniffles. The attack wasn’t his fault. She knew it on an intellectual level, but her head and heart couldn’t seem to sync up. Why was she so angry that he hadn’t saved her? “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
If she’d been doing this to anyone else she would have been embarrassed for blubbering all over him, but this was Jayce. The man who’d seen her at her worst and never judged her. The man she loved but couldn’t tell. Couldn’t say three little words to him because she was too afraid.
As his hands gently stroked down her back and then directly back up, she realized he was pulling the bedding over them. He was covering her, taking care of her, and it made her want to kiss him and soothe the pain she could feel emanating off him in pulsing waves.
Lifting her head, she looked into gray eyes swirling with a sorrow she never wanted to see again. She’d put it there, which made it even worse. Biting back more tears, she cupped his cheek with one hand. “I . . . I’m sorry I blamed you. When I was abducted, I . . . I called out your name. I waited for you to come for me.” When he jerked back as if she’d physically struck him, her stomach roiled.
This wasn’t coming out the way she intended. She’d never had a problem with words before, but seeing Jayce vulnerable messed with her head and she needed to make this right. “No, I’m not telling you this to hurt you. I’m telling you because you’re the one person I knew—know—I can always count on. If you could have been there, I know you would have. I know it with every fiber of my being. I’m sorry for what I just said. I was fighting remnants of a nightmare, but I don’t blame you. Maybe I did on a subconscious level, but I don’t now. Not truly. My attacker is dead and I have nowhere to place my anger. The monster who hurt me and the APL are the only ones responsible. No matter what happens between us, please know that.”
The pain she’d witnessed in his eyes partially subsided. “I would have done anything to save you. Given up a limb, my life, anything. I only wish that fucker hadn’t died. I would have made him regret his very existence.” The darkness in his words sent a shudder snaking through her.
Before she could respond, he claimed her mouth in a gentle, sensual kiss completely at odds with the tough-looking man he was. He threaded strong, calloused fingers through her tangled hair, gripping her head in a move that could only be called possessive. When he rolled his hips beneath her, his erection pressing against her abdomen, she reached between them and wrapped her fingers around his cock over his boxers. He generally slept naked, so he must have thrown those on when she screamed.
Shoving the boxers down his legs took only a moment. Before he’d even shimmied fully free, she’d opened up to him, sliding herself onto his hard length. With a gasp, she settled on his cock, taking a moment to let him fill and stretch her completely.