June 2007

- Age 25

"Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday to you… Happy birthday dear Avery Junior- happy birthday to you…"

This was as close to fatherhood as Jayden figured he wanted to get- godfather. Jayden sat in a corner at his best friend's house abstractly distracted as he absent-mindedly half listened to all of the little children singing happy birthday to Avery's son - A.J. At the sound of them singing the melody so sweetly, his own mind wheeled backwards in time to his very own six-year old birthday party. He never anticipated that being at his god son's birthday party would release a floodgate of so many hurtful and painful memories.

Suddenly he was no longer Jayden Eric Townsend age 25, but rather he was first-grader Jayden Eric Townsend - age six.

"Are you sure you can't make it?" He suddenly could hear his mom's voice again. She didn't know that he was listening behind the door to her bedroom as she pleaded with his father to come to his party.

"It's not about what I want… Jayden wants you here."

"Just once Jacob, don't you think you should meet your son at least once?" Jayden heard his mother attempting to persuade his father. His heart was literally breaking into pieces.

"Mom… mom please don't beg anymore. I'll be good from now on. I promise I won't ask about him again…" Jayden silently begged to himself wishing his mom would not beg. Jayden had never been so sorry than when his mom had asked him 'what do you want for your birthday'; and he unthinkingly asked back, 'Where's my daddy and can he come?'

"At least the boy ought to be able to recognize his own father on the streets…" Marla continued rationalizing over the phone.

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The memories just wouldn't stop pushing through the forefront of his mind. 'STOP IT! Just stop it mom.' He remembered screaming inside of his head as his hands instantly flew over his ears attempting to drown out his mother's voice. Tears poured out of his eyes as his nose began running. His sniffling became involuntarily. It was to no avail. He still could hear the sound of his mother's voice.

"He's changed a lot since the last pictures I sent you a couple of years ago. He wants to meet you Jacob, is that so wrong for a six-year old boy?" She quietly spoke keeping her voice even and void of any emotions. Absent-mindedly he swiped at the falling tears as he unknowingly shook his head fervently silently begging his mom not to beg again. He promised himself he wouldn't want to know anything ever about the man that they called Jacob Ellis- his supposedly father. He squeezed his eyes tightly as he took his hand and covered them. This was not cool; a 25-year old man sitting here crying at a 6-six year old birthday party.




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