He quickly pulls back and puffs out his chest. “Whatev, babe. It’s cool.”
With that, he walks around me and heads to the door, passing Ava as she comes in with Tyler.
“Oooooh, cute shoes!” Rocco says before walking out, the door slamming closed behind him.
“So, who’s hungry? I’m starving!” I announce to the room as they all stand there staring at me.
“Hey, Charlotte, what’s with this list I found on your desk?” Molly asks, walking into the room from the back hallway. “Show him your cleavage, make him change your tire, have him lick chocolate off of you …”
Molly trails off when she finally looks up and sees me staring at her in horror. Gavin walks past me and right up to Molly, snatching the piece of paper out of her hands reading through it. As his eyes widen in what I assume to be horror while he scans the list, I seriously contemplate turning and running out of the house. Maybe leaving the country and changing my name.
“Gavin, I can explain,” I tell him softly, trying not to cry.
Gavin doesn’t say anything as he continues reading.
Tyler walks across the room and glances over Gavin’s shoulder. “Ooooh, that’s a good one. Take him to a sporting event and act like you know what’s going on. He would have totally fallen for that.”
Gavin puts his hand over his mouth, and I’m wondering if it’s going to be the mustard episode all over again and he’s going to start gagging. I see his shoulders start to shake and suddenly realize he’s laughing. He’s f**king laughing at my list.
“What the hell is so funny?” I demand.
I don’t care if I’m in the wrong here. He’s laughing at my misguided attempt to get him to fall in love with me. It’s really not a laughing matter.
Gavin moves his hand away and laughs out loud. “Tyler, I think you should tell her what’s so funny.”
“Holy fuck, it’s about time,” Tyler complains, reaching into his back pocket and pulling out a folded up piece of notebook paper, handing it over to me.
I stare at it in confusion for a few seconds before Gavin speaks through his laughs. “You really need to open that.”
With a sigh, I unfold the paper and scan the words written in Tyler’s messy handwriting. I really don’t need to read everything; the title at the top of the page pretty much says it all.
“Oh my God,” I mutter.
Gavin comes up to me and places both of his hands on my cheeks, pulling my head up so he can look into my eyes. “I’m not crazy, right? This means you love me?”
I laugh and shake my head at him. “You idiot. Of course I love you. I loved you even when you were mutilating my Barbies and calling me a labia. I’m pretty sure giving you my virginity should have been clue number one.”
Too late, I realize we’re not alone in this room.
“Gavin, I love you like a son, but right now I want to punch you in your face,” Dad tells him.
“Can you wait to kick my ass until after I kiss your daughter, please?” Gavin begs him.
“Fine. You’ve got ten seconds. And then I’m ripping off your dick and giving you your own labia,” Dad threatens, crossing his arms over his chest.
Gavin doesn’t waste any of those ten seconds. He swoops down and presses his lips to mine.
“Oh my God, I’m totally going to cry. Liz, get me a tissue,” Aunt Claire says.
“Get your own f**king tissue, you whore,” Mom sniffles.
“I’m still wearing the blue dress to the wedding,” Aunt Claire tells her as I wrap my arms around Carter’s neck.
“We are going to throw down right the f**k now. Jim, get the Fight Club DVD. This is totally happening,” Mom states.
“I’m going to punch you right in the ovaries.”
“Yeah, well I’m going to be the first one to walk down the aisle, so you’re going to look like a dick when you waltz down in your subpar blue dress.”
“I’m going to make you wear a suck-for-a-buck shirt at her bachelorette party.”
“Oh no you DIDN’T just say that to me!”
“Oh yeah, that JUST happened!”
“Their first born is going to be named after me.”
“Your name is bullshit.”
“YOU’RE BULLSHIT!”
Breaking the kiss, I pull back and look at Gavin.
“Are you sure about this? I don’t know if our families are going to survive,” I tell him softly with a smile.
“Jim, get me the basket of dinner rolls from the kitchen. There are twelve with Claire’s face written all over them.”
“Carter, get me the mashed potatoes and turn on the ceiling fan. This bitch is going down.”
Gavin laughs and shakes his head. “Love and lists. Just remember, love and lists. Nothing else matters.”
Pulling Gavin’s mouth back down to mine, I forget all about the chaos surrounding us and just enjoy the moment.
“Alright, that’s enough. Break it up. I’ve got a face to beat up,” my dad announces.
Gavin looks over my shoulder and his smile instantly falls. “Oh shit. He’s serious.”
“Run, Virginityman, run!” Tyler shouts.
Epilogue - Gavin
Hand in hand with Charlotte, we walk around to the back of her parents’ house. It’s no longer her house anymore since she moved into my apartment last week.
Can I get a round of applause, folks?! Or maybe just a “FUCK YEAH!”?
“This is so weird. Just a few months ago I was making this same walk with Tyler, giving myself a pep talk about my list,” I tell Charlotte with a laugh.
“Yeah, well I was inside the house at that same time freaking out about whether or not Rocco was going to be convincing as my boyfriend,” she replies.
“I’m so glad I never killed him. He has great taste in shoes.” I look down at her platform wedges that make her long legs look f**king hot.
“Don’t even think about it, Gavin. We are not sneaking off into the bushes to have sex at my parents’ house,” Charlotte warns me as I continue to stare at her legs while we walk.
“That’s probably a wise decision since I’m pretty sure my puke is still in those bushes.”
Once Charlotte finally came clean that she and Rocco were never really dating, he and I actually became good friends. I’ve had to put him in his place a few times when he makes comments about my great ass, but all in all, having a g*y dude as a friend is pretty awesome. I pretend like I never hated him or wished that a rabid infestation of crabs would chew off his dick, and he takes me shopping to pick out sexy shoes and lingerie for Charlotte. It’s perfect.
I’m still working my ass off at Seduction and Snacks and loving every minute of it, especially now that I have a new co-worker. Charlotte accepted a position as the new Media Sales Rep for the business, and Aunt Liz couldn’t be happier. We all decided that from now on it would be a good idea for her to do the ribbon cutting ceremonies at sex toy shops. Less chance of humiliating newspaper headlines that way since I’m pretty sure Charlotte won’t be ODing on Viagra anytime soon. At least I hope not. I wonder what Viagra does to a vagina? I should ask Uncle Drew. I’m sure he knows.
As soon as we get to the back yard, we’re immediately greeted by the sounds of screaming.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“What the f**k is that?” I ask Uncle Drew as he walks up to us.
“That, my little asshole, is a screaming goat. Molly showed me this awesome video on YouTube and I had to get one,” Uncle Drew says with a huge smile.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
Uncle Drew turns around and points proudly to a little black and white goat tied to one of Aunt Liz and Uncle Jim’s trees. “Isn’t she cute? Her name is Taylor Swift.”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” the goat screams as she looks right at us.
“I don’t even understand what is happening right now,” I reply with a shake of my head.
“I’ve been trying to teach her—”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“How to sing a—”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“Song, but she never comes in at the right—”
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
“SON OF A BITCH, TAYLOR SWIFT! I TOLD YOU, NOT UNTIL THE CHORUS!” Uncle Drew yells across the yard as he turns and walks away from us.
“Do you think Uncle Drew is ever going to grow up?” Charlotte asks me as we watch him have a conversation with the goat, his arms flying in every direction as he tries to explain to her what she did wrong.
“Definitely not.”
I turn toward Charlotte and wrap my arms around her waist. I start to lean down for a kiss, but of course we’re interrupted.
“You two need to get a room. All of this PDA shit is disgusting.”
Charlotte and I turn our heads as Ava walks up next to us, with Tyler right behind her.
“Oh, don’t be jealous, sugar muffin. Some day you’ll be able to save up enough money and pay a guy off to love you that much,” Tyler says with a smirk.
“Hey, Tyler, want to know what it feels like to have a stiletto shoved up your ass?” Ava casually asks him while she examines her fingernails.
“You already had your finger in my ass, so I’m assuming it wouldn’t be much different.”
Ava continues to stare at the chipped polish on her thumbnail, but I can tell she’s about ready to lose it. Her nostrils flare and she lets out a growl.
“Dude, you might want to start running now,” I whisper to him.
Unfortunately for Tyler, Ava isn’t about to make a scene in her parents’ backyard by beating the shit out of him. She’s going for complete and total mind f**k right now.
“Remember the last time you were in my car and you left that My Little Pony toy in the center console?” Charlotte asks him sweetly, finally looking up at him.
Tyler loses all of his smugness and his smile falters.
“You didn’t,” he whispers.
“Know what happens when you put My Little Pony in the microwave?” Ava asks.
Tyler’s eyes widen and he clenches his fists at his sides. “No. Please, not Twilight Sparkle.”
Ava takes a few steps in his direction until she’s right up in his face. “She put up a good fight. She screamed until the bitter end.”
Tyler grits his teeth and if I’m not mistaken, I think I see a few tears pooling in his eyes. He’s quiet for so long that I wonder if maybe he’s going to take the high road and just walk away. Too bad Ava sticks the knife in a little deeper by smiling brightly at him. That’s all it takes to push Tyler over the edge.
“YOU CRAB INFESTED CROTCH ROT! I was lying about those jeans the other day. They TOTALLY make your ass look fat!”
“YOU FUCKER! Did you just call me a fat-ass? YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS!” Ava yells.
“I don’t have a small penis. Your va**na is just bigger than the f**king Grand Canyon!”
“I HATE YOU!” Ava screams.
“I HATE YOU MORE!” Tyler adds.
They both stand nose-to-nose, chests heaving and staring angrily at one another. I start to pull away from Charlotte to break up the fight when Tyler suddenly speaks.
“You’re so f**king hot. Your car or mine?”
“Mine. I parked closer.”
Ava grabs Tyler’s hand and drags him across the yard to the driveway.
“Those two are going to kill each other.” Charlotte sighs with a shake of her head as we watch them hustle away.
“At least they’re going to maim each other in her car. Tyler borrowed mine today, remember? I don’t think I can get severed head stains out of the upholstery.”
Now that we’re alone again, I turn back toward Charlotte and pull her close. There’s nothing better than being able to touch her and hold her whenever I want. Except for ha**g s*x with her. Having sex with her is definitely better.
Taking up where we left off before the tornado of Tyler and Ava came screaming through the yard, I lean my head down to Charlotte for a kiss. She quickly brings her hand up in front of my face to stop me.
“I know this whole thing is still kind of new with us, but I feel like I should tell you something really important. It might have a huge impact on our relationship,” she tells me softly.
“As long as you don’t tell me you have another fake, g*y boyfriend somewhere, nothing else matters,” I laugh.
“No. Rocco is the only fake, g*y boyfriend I will ever have. You can count on that.”
Charlotte takes a deep breath and spits it out. “The thing is, I never want to have children. I really like my vagina, and I’m pretty sure you do too. I have no desire to push a tiny little human out of it and destroy the poor thing forever.”
I stare at her in silence for a few seconds before one corner of my mouth turns up in a grin.
Fuck, do I love this girl.
“Good. Because I can’t stand kids. And the thought of your va**na turning into something that looks like finely sliced roast beef is not appealing to me at all.”
“Eeeew, that’s disgusting,” Charlotte replies, scrunching her nose up.
“Sorry, I heard my mom say that once and it’s always stuck with me,” I tell her.
Charlotte wraps her arms around my neck and stands up on her tiptoes. “Well, it’s a good thing your mom never felt like that about kids or you wouldn’t be here with me right now.”
I hear someone clear her throat and turn to see my mom standing next to us with a sheepish look on her face. “Yeah, about that …”