As soon as the guy leaps out from behind the door and throws his razor fingernails up at us, Josh smacks him in the hand with his light stick.
“OW!” screams Freddy Kruger as he clutches his injured razor hand to his chest.
“Ha! Not so tough now, are you, Fred?” Uncle Drew laughs as he walks by the guy and out the exit.
“GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” Uncle Drew screams as the Grim Reaper guy steps out from the side of the house directly into his path. Uncle Drew holds his hands to his throat and starts choking on his own spit from yelling so loud.
“Drew, for God’s sakes, keep it together, man,” Dad mutters as I stick a finger in my ear in an attempt to rub out the ringing going on from Uncle Drew’s girly screams.
“I pacifically told him he shouldn’t go with us if he was going to be too scared,” Aunt Jenny mutters. “Baby, do you need the Heineken Remover?” she asks as she walks over and starts smacking him on the back.
“I DON’T KNOW IF HE DOES, BUT I COULD SURE USE A HEINEKEN RIGHT NOW, JENNY!” Tyler shouts.
“Dude, why are you shouting?” Gavin asks.
“Didn’t your aunt have like a stroke or something? Isn’t that why she’s a little off? I figure if I talk loudly she’ll understand me,” Tyler explains.
“No, no stroke. She’s just kind of … special,” Gavin adds nicely.
We continue down the path, following the lit jack-o-lanterns to the next haunted house. The Grim Reaper walks elbow to elbow with Uncle Drew the entire way, never once taking his eyes off of him.
“Okay, seriously, fucker. If you’re going to follow me, at least say something. All this staring is wigging me out,” Uncle Drew complains.
The man says nothing, just continues to keep pace with Uncle Drew. When he speeds up, the Grim Reaper speeds up. When he slows down, the Grim Reaper slows down. When he walks in a circle around our group as we stop to admire some of the carved pumpkins, the Grim Reaper follows right behind him.
At one point, Uncle Drew lifts his knee and holds his arms out to his side, touching his nose with each finger like he’s doing a sobriety test. The Grim Reaper follows right along. Uncle Drew decides he’s no longer just going to sit back and let this poor volunteer for the parks department get off easily. He hops like a rabbit for about two hundred yards and then sprints to the next haunted house.
The Reaper follows, mimicking his movements.
Eventually, Uncle Drew starts calling him Grimmy and invites the guy out for drinks after the walk but tells him he can only come along if he keeps the costume on.
Grimmy never answers.
I have to say, I’ve never seen a guy stay in character this well, especially with all the shit Uncle Drew is having him do. We go into a haunted house and the guy disappears into the woods. Then, a few minutes later, he’s right back next to Uncle Drew, following him like a puppy dog.
And of course when we say something about that, Uncle Drew decides to crawl on all fours for a little while, barking every few feet.
Grimmy copies.
It takes about an hour to go through the entire Halloween Walk through the woods, so pretty soon, we’re all kind of attached to Grimmy. When we walk over a small wooden bridge and look down into the water to see all of the jack-o-lanterns they place on pedestals in the water, Grimmy lifts Josh up so he can see over the railing.
When we come around a bend to see a graveyard setup on the hillside, Grimmy points out one of the big tombstones to Josh right before a ghost jumps out and tries to scare him. Josh walks right up to the ghost and kicks him in the shin.
If we could see Grimmy’s face, I bet we would see him smile.
We come around the last corner of the walk and can see people milling about at the end getting hot chocolate and hot apple cider from some of the vendors.
Uncle Drew pats Grimmy on the back. “Well, Grimster, it’s been fun. I’d say it was nice to meet you, but you scared the future children I might have had out of my nut sack when we first met.”
“Future children? Your balls are too old to have any more kids,” Dad laughs.
“I’ll have you know that my sperm are in excellent condition and my balls are NOT old. I do NOT have old man balls. Honey, tell them.” Uncle Drew looks over at Aunt Jenny.
“It’s true. He doesn’t have old man balls. They are still nice and soft and not wrinkly at all.”
Grimmy puts his hand up over his masked eyes and shakes his head sadly.
We all wave at the guy as he stands in place in the middle of the path, and we make our way out of the woods. Gavin and I walk over to one of the stands, and he gets me some hot apple cider.
“I’m having a really hard time being with you tonight and not ripping every piece of clothing off of—”
“What are you kids talking about?” Aunt Claire asks as she comes up next to us.
“The weather.”
“Astrophysics,” Gavin and I reply at the same time.
Aunt Claire looks back and forth between us suspiciously.
“The direct correlation to the earth’s atmosphere blending with the time space continuum to produce noxious gas on Mars,” I ramble.
“Well, alright then. Have fun with that,” she replies, turning around and walking back over the picnic table where everyone is seated.
“That was close. Nice save,” Gavin says quietly with a laugh as we follow behind her.
“We need to be more careful or everyone’s going to find out,” I warn him as we walk.
“Who cares? You broke up with Rocco, right? So it doesn’t matter.”
ABORT! ABORT CONVERSATION!
“I think I need to change my tampon.”
“Oh look, a squirrel!” Gavin says, rushing away from me and taking a seat next to Uncle Carter at the picnic table.
With a sigh, I take a seat across from him, next to Tyler and Josh. A man with a Metro Parks uniform walks up to our table and asks if we had a good time and enjoyed the walk.
“I beat up Freddy Kruger and kicked a ghost. It was alright,” Josh replies with a shrug.
“I have to tell ya, man, that Grim Reaper you got walking around the woods deserves a raise. That guy scared the holy hell out of me,” Uncle Drew tells him with a laugh.
We all chuckle and then notice the park worker looking at Uncle Drew in confusion.
“Grim Reaper? We don’t have a grim reaper employed with us this year, do you mean Frankenstein?” he asks.
“Uh, no. I mean the Grim Reaper. Tall guy, wearing a black cloak that dragged on the ground and had a hood pulled around his face so you couldn’t see him. And he had that big sickle thing in his hand that he walked with,” Uncle Drew explains.
“I’m sorry, sir, there is definitely no one of that description that works here this year.”
We all look around at one another in confusion, no one wanting to admit just how creeped out we are. But I know there has to be a logical explanation.
“It was probably just someone going on the walk like we were and he decided to have some fun with you,” I tell Uncle Drew.
Once again, the park worker shakes his head.
“I was at the front gate collecting tickets from everyone tonight, and there wasn’t anyone wearing a costume like that,” he says.
The man talks to us for a few more minutes about the people that volunteer for the walk every year and how he’s known them since the walk first opened twenty years ago. He walks away and our table stays silent while everyone processes what he’d said.
“Maybe he was a homeless guy or something. I bet he lives in the woods and just wanted to make some friends,” Aunt Jenny says wistfully.
“Make some friends, yeah right. That guy wanted to ass rape me,” Uncle Drew complains.
“Really, Drew? I’m surprised you noticed anything while you were humping trees and squatting over pumpkins so it looked like you were shitting them out.” Mom gets a disgusted look on her face as she remembers Uncle Drew’s actions in the woods.
“Oh believe me, I could tell. There was something squirrely about him,” Uncle Drew says with a nod of his head.
“Wait a minute. You thought he was a squirrel? I thought he was supposed to be the Grim Reaper?” Aunt Jenny says in confusion.
Uncle Drew pats her hand. “No, baby. It’s just a figure of … never mind.”
“I still say he’s homeless. It’s a doggy-dog world out there. Poor guy was probably just trying to make some money,” Aunt Jenny adds.
Tyler looks at her in confusion. “Don’t you mean dog eat dog world?”
“Jenny lives in the puppies and rainbows part of the globe,” Aunt Claire says with a laugh.
“Is there really a place like that?” Aunt Jenny asks.
“He told me what his name was,” Josh says nonchalantly.
Uncle Drew looks across the table at Josh. “Dude, shut up. No he didn’t.”
“YOU shut up. He totally did,” Josh argues, looking over his shoulder, back into the woods with a nervous look taking over his face.
We all turn our heads and stare in silence toward the trail entrance.
“What did he tell you his name was?” Aunt Claire asks quietly.
Everyone leans closer to Josh, no one saying a word, waiting for him to speak.
“He said …”
Everyone holds their breath.
“His name …”
No one blinks.
“Was …”
My heart is beating out of my f**king chest and my knee is bouncing nervously under the table. I feel Gavin’s hand reach under the table and clutch my knee.
“Death,” Josh whispers seriously.
We all sit there staring at Josh with our mouths dropped, the silence permeating the air around us.
“Holy shit,” Uncle Drew whispers.
“I’m going to find security and tell them,” Dad says as he starts to get up from the bench.
“I’ll come with you,” Uncle Carter states, doing the same.
Josh scrambles off of the picnic table bench and starts laughing hysterically. “You guys are a bunch of sissies! He said his name is Bob and he was opposed to be dressed like a ghost but he got hot chocolate all over his costume and had to change!”
Everyone lets out the breaths they’d been holding as Josh continues to laugh and taunt everyone.
“Oh my God, we just got punked by a five-year-old,” Uncle Drew says with admiration in his voice.
Well, after this fun-filled evening, telling Gavin about Rocco should be no big deal.
Chapter 21 – Run Virginityman!
“So, the plan is you’re going to just break up with me in front of Gavin? I don’t know if I like this,” Rocco complains as he stands in my living room.
“You will do it and you will like it, or I will never go shoe shopping with you ever again!” I threaten.
Rocco places his hand over his heart and pouts. “Now that’s just mean.”
I am such a chickenshit. I should have told him when we got back to his apartment after the Halloween walk last night. Instead, I dragged him into the shower and gave him a bl*w j*b. Blow jobs equal love, right?
My mom invited a few people over for dinner, so I figure this is the perfect time for a public break-up. I can just end things with Rocco, pretend like the list never happened, and we can all move on.
“Charlotte, your mom needs help in the kitchen,” my dad says as he walks into the living room. He stops when he sees Rocco and glares at him.
“Oh, no worries, Dad. I’d be glad to help Liz in the kitchen. I could even whip up a soufflé if there’s time,” Rocco tells him.
“Seriously, dial down the g*y a notch,” I whisper.
“I mean, how ‘bout we grab us a few brewskies and see if there’s a fight on TV,” Rocco tells my dad in a deep voice.
“How about I give you a five second head start before I get my shotgun,” he replies.
“LIZ! Get your ass out here and help me carry these cupcakes,” Aunt Claire yells as she walks through the front door. “Oh … hi, guys. Jim, stop staring at that poor boy like you want to slit his throat. LIZ!”
Mom comes rushing into the living room, wiping her hands on a towel. “What the f**k is your problem? Stop shouting already. Rocco, when did you get here? What are you doing here? Why is he here?”
“I really think your family is going to be crushed when you break my heart,” Rocco whispers in my ear.
The front door opens again and in walk Uncle Carter and Gavin, both of them smiling and laughing until they see Rocco standing next to me.
Shit. Maybe this wasn’t the best idea.
Rocco moves to stand behind me and clutches onto the back of my shirt. “Don’t let them hit me! I just had a facial!” he whispers frantically.
“What’s he doing here?” Gavin demands.
“Want to go help me clean my gun?” Dad asks him.
Aunt Claire smacks my dad on the arm.
Oh my God, Gavin looks pissed. He has every right to look pissed. I kind of sort of alluded to the fact that I was breaking up with Rocco a few weeks ago and haven’t mentioned him once since Gavin and I started fooling around. This is bad. Very bad.
I quickly turn around to face Rocco. “Rocco, I’m breaking up with you.”
“WHAT?! NOOOOOOOO!” Rocco screams. “Baby, please don’t leave me!”
I widen my eyes at him and scowl. “Nope. It’s over. I don’t love you. I’ve never loved you. You should just go now.”
“OH MY GOD MY LIFE IS OVER!” Rocco wails, throwing his arms around me and sobbing into my shoulder.
“OVER. ACTING,” I say through clenched teeth.