“Can you pick me up?” she finally says, her voice low.
“You still at that party?”
She clears her throat and this whimper releases at the end. I shoot off the bed and grab my coat. “Where are you? I’m coming.”
I glance back at Heaven. She’s just now getting her sweater on. She’s not quick enough, so I leave without her.
“Yeah,” Annie utters. “I’m still at the party. Please hurry.”
“I am. I’m almost to the car. What happened?”
“Nothing—nothing yet. He started freaking out, so I came outside. I don’t want to go home with him. He’s drunk and…” She doesn’t finish the sentence, but she doesn’t have to. I know.
“Did he do anything?”
“No,” she says. “But I didn’t want to take the chance. I haven’t seen him this drunk in a long time.”
“I’m glad you called me,” I tell her. “I’m almost there. Watch for me.”
She sighs with relief. “I am.”
I turn onto the road and stop in front of the house, looking for her. “I’m here. Where you at?”
“I see you.” And then she hangs up. Panic rises in my throat until I see her walking across the street, coming from the opposite direction. I don’t realize I’m holding my breath until she’s sitting beside me, buckling her seatbelt and I finally exhale. My eyes fall over her, checking for any marks that don’t belong.
“You all right?”
She nods, resting her head against the window.
“Can I ask you something?” I say as I stop at the light.
“You can do whatever you want, but that doesn’t mean I’ll answer.”
I rake my fingers through my hair and sigh. “Why are you with him?”
Annie lifts her head and stares at me. I keep my eyes on the road, but I can feel her watching me for several heartbeats.
“It’s better than being alone,” she whispers.
I look at her then, my stomach twisting. Is that really the reason she’s with him? Because she doesn’t want to be alone? If that’s the only reason…shit…I can—I could…
“Is it?” I ask, my voice choked. “Is dealing with this better than being alone?”
She doesn’t answer me. Instead, she turns back to the window and asks, “Where’s your girlfriend?”
Damn it. Heaven. I really don’t know where she is. She probably left pretty pissed off.
“She’s not my girlfriend,” I say.
Annie laughs dryly. “I don’t think she’s aware of this.”
Truth can sting sometimes.
I pull into my parking lot and Annie glances at me. “What are you doing?”
“You’re staying here tonight. Just to be safe. You can sleep in Guy and Park’s old room. The guys in there already left for break.”
“I want to sleep in my own bed.”
I pretend like I don’t hear her, shutting off the engine, and getting out of the car. I walk around to the passenger side and open the door for her. She glares up at me, but I pretend to not notice that, too. I’m not taking chances. She can stay here then go home to her mom’s house with Guy tomorrow. A couple weeks away from Loden will do us all some good.
She gets out after a few colorful word choices and one that I’m pretty sure she made up. But she follows me inside. I take the stairs automatically, knowing she doesn’t like the elevator.
“Is Loden still going wherever with his family?”
“Denver, yeah. His family goes every year.”
Good. I open the door and usher Annie inside. “I’ll text Guy and let him know you’re here.”
“Don’t tell him why,” she insists.
“I won’t,” I promise. And then, because I can’t help myself, I add, “If you’re only with Loden because you don’t want to be alone, why don’t you start thinking about replacing him?”
She laughs again, but this time it’s lighter. “With who? In case you haven’t noticed, guys aren’t exactly lining up at my door.”
“With me,” I rasp.
She freezes halfway through the door to Guy’s old room, her head snapping back to look at me. The door behind me opens and I know without looking it’s Heaven. Of course it’s Heaven, because my luck wouldn’t go any other way.
Annie looks over my shoulder for a moment before letting her gaze move over me unseeingly. “Looks like your plate is already full,” she says quietly. “Thanks for picking me up, Chase.”
“Annie—”
“Goodnight,” she says, cutting me off and I snap my mouth closed as I watch the door swing shut.
27
Smile Like You Mean It
Annie
Eleven Months Before
Every day I send Loden’s calls to voicemail. My mailbox filled within the first few days, so he switched to texts. All his texts are the same. He’s sorry. He misses me. He doesn’t understand why I haven’t called.
Hope’s home and I tried to talk to her about everything that’s been going on, but the more I searched for the words, the more they eluded me. I’m ashamed and confused. I don’t know how to admit how badly my life has been when she’s so happy.
On Christmas, I broke down and called Loden. I listened to his promises and apologies. I returned them with an equal lack of sincerity. Then mom picked up on my mood. She made me hot chocolate and we sat on the couch, staring at the lights on the tree.
I asked her what was different about Alec—what made their relationship work when her others had failed. It was probably a shitty question and way too deep to get into on Christmas, but she didn’t seem to mind. Her answer was short and sweet and made me want to cry.
“I think I was afraid of being alone, so I settled.”
“But you didn’t settle for Alec?”
She laughed. “No. After it didn’t work out with Nolan, I decided to take a break. I had jumped from one relationship to the next, and it wasn’t fair to you girls. It wasn’t fair to me. So I stopped looking for the next Mr. Right, and he found me instead.”
I had been trying so hard not to be like my mom, and ironically, I was making the exact same mistakes she had.
Now days later, I look at my face in the mirror and I hate what I see. I hate the girl staring back at me. I hate what she’s become. She’s weak and stupid. She’s nothing but a hollow casing.
I laugh bitterly. So many big plans. So many years trying to be better, reaching for perfection, following a set path. All the time wasted. Everything I thought I was working so hard to achieve—I realize how pointless it all was now. What do I have to show for it? Nothing.
Nothing but fading bruises.
Though I know there were times I’ve been happy, I can’t remember ever just being content. I’ve always wanted bigger, better, more. So many people search for permanent happiness, but they don’t realize it doesn’t exist. There will always—always—be some issue, some problem, some person causing upset. I would give anything to just feel content for once.
I come to the realization on New Year’s Eve that this will never happen for me unless I make changes. So while my friends and family are blowing party blowers and chanting the countdown, somewhere between eight and five, I make the decision to implement the first step.
After we’ve all been thoroughly hugged, I pull Chase into the kitchen.
“What’s up?” he asks, unsure.
I’m not sure how to word this. I’m having a hard time understanding all the jumbled thoughts running through my head. But I know I want to do this. I want things to be different between us. I want to talk to him about what he said. About replacing Loden. With him. I’m not sure I’m ready for that. I think I need to be by myself for a little while before I can do that. And I’m not positive it should be with Chase, but… All I know for sure is I want to break up with Loden.
“I made a few resolutions,” I offer. “And I just wanted to let you know that you’re one of them.”
“Me?” He grins, his eyes raking over my face. I don’t miss the way he pauses on my lips and I feel my neck grow warm in response.
I lick my lips nervously. “I want us to be friends.” That’s what I want, right?
He’s quiet for several seconds, his brows furrowed, before he says, “I thought we were already friends.”
“No. We aren’t. But I want to be. I want to talk to you. I want…” I inhale sharply. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”
“Okay,” he utters, stepping closer to me. “Talk to me.”
I shake my head and stare at the wall. There are small black fingerprints there and I don’t know why seeing my little brother and sisters’ dirty smudges on the paint makes me cry, but I burst into quiet tears. They stream down my face, blurring my vision and clogging my throat.
“Annie?” His voice is thick with worry as he places his hand on my arm. I pinch my eyes closed and take a long, cleansing breath.
“I don’t want to talk about it tonight. When we’re back at school. First thing.”
“No.”
“What?” I croak, shocked. I sniffle and wipe at my face as I stare up at him.
“You’re crying. Tell me what happened.” His eyes are narrowed on my face. He looks mad, but I know it’s not anger. It’s concern.
“I already told you,” I explain. “I made resolutions.”
“Then why are you crying?” His fingers trail over my cheeks, drying my tears. My body stiffens, but I don’t pull away even though my limbs are begging me to. He’s so confused and I can’t blame him. I’m confused too.
“Change is hard,” I whisper. “And scary.”
“It doesn’t have to be. Just…Smile like you mean it.”
“Is that a song or advice?”
He laughs softly and the sound raises goose bumps along my arms. “Both,” he replies with a grin.
~*~
My last day home is spent with Hope and Guy. We’re piled on top of Guy’s bed, all of us in our pajamas as we eat the candy Mom filled our stockings with. I’m surprised Hope had any left a week after Christmas.
Guy pulls out a box of pictures and we spend the next hour going through them. I have a mix of emotions as I flip through photo after photo. I’m not in a whole lot of them, and the ones I am in, I’m off to the side, or lingering in the background. What strikes me the hardest is that these are some of my fondest memories and it’s almost like I wasn’t even there.
While I spent my high school years hanging out with other cheerleaders, Hope and Guy had their own little group made up of Chase and Park. When I actually hung around them, I think they preferred I didn’t because I spent so much time being a bitch.
I can’t even understand why I acted the way I did. Jealousy? Bitterness? Attention? I really don’t know. But I wish so badly that I could jump into a time machine and go back.
I hold a picture of all of us—Guy, Hope, Mason, Park, Chase, and me. Chase has his arm draped over my shoulder. We’re all together at Alec’s fortieth birthday party, and we’re smiling. We’re happy.
I’ve made so many mistakes.
It feels like so long ago. So much wasted time.
“You all right?” Hope asks. She peers over my arm at the photo quivering between my fingers. She smiles and rests her chin on top of my shoulder.
“Best and worst night of my life,” she says quietly.
She and Guy share a look and I feel like an outsider. I have no idea what she’s talking about, but Guy clearly does.
“So much happened that night,” she explains when she notices my lost expression. “With Park. And that’s the first time my cutting came out. And Mason.” She smiles again when she says his name.