Two seconds later, I’m out the door and making my way to my Charger.
Chapter 19—Emmy
The pounding at the door wakes me after what feels like just two seconds of sleeping. My whole body feels like it weighs a hundred extra pounds. I should have known that Sway wouldn’t keep his mouth shut. I was so focused on getting the hell out before Maddox came home that I didn’t give a second thought to who helped me.
I stand at the door, my forehead planted against the wood, and breathe deeply. I have to remember that, whatever he says to me in anger, he doesn’t mean. He never means it. I can tell when he’s looking right at me that his eyes are begging for me not to believe what comes out of his mouth. I have to stay strong and let him know that he’s off the hook. He won’t have to deal with my stupid love anymore.
“Open the door, Emersyn.”
His voice hits me with a force so powerful that, even through the thick door, it makes me shiver. Stay strong, Emmy. You can do this. Just let him know that you’re done.
Wrapping my fingers around the door handle, feeling the cold steel against my skin, I try to let it center me. One last little push to stand strong and put a cold layer of ice over my heart.
I swing the door open right when he’s about to knock again and his fist stops just inches from my face. I gasp.
“Shit,” he growls.
We stand there just looking into each other’s eyes. I have no idea what’s going through his head right now. Why he’s even here. I said everything I needed to in that letter—unless he didn’t get it. Shit. I don’t think I’m going to be able to get that all out to his face. Writing it all down about killed me.
He’s still wearing the clothes from earlier—a dark-green Henley and jeans that are worn in all the right places. The sleeves are rolled up to his elbows, showing off the weaving lines of his tattoos. Reds and blacks dance together over almost every inch of his forearms. I know the design travels up both arms and ends by wrapping slightly around the back right on the base of his neck. Depending on the shirt, sometimes I can see a few of the lines licking up his tan skin. I’ve studied his forearms for so long that I imagine each and every sweep the tattoo gun must have taken. I know he has more along his ribs, but I’ve never had the pleasure to study them. I just know that it’s more blacks and reds.
When he clears his throat, I move my gaze from his thick, muscled forearms to meet his eyes. His deep-brown, very worried eyes. He isn’t masking his feelings from me right now, and as shocked as I am, I’m more confused than ever.
“What are you doing here?”
I haven’t let go of the door handle, using it to help hold my body from falling to the floor. He stands before me, still in the hallway, and at my question, he looks to his left and then right before meeting my gaze again. This time, the worry is replaced with…determination?
In a move so quick that I gasp, he’s pushing his way into the room and helping the door shut with a kick. I back up as he stalks towards me, my eyes wide and my breathing erratic.
“Maddox?” I implore.
“This is you not running?” he questions, solidifying that he did, in fact, read the letter I’d left him. “You think I haven’t felt that pull? Jesus, Emmy, it’s so strong that I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex. I’ve pushed and pushed, not to reject you—even though I now see my mistake—but to protect you. That love that you’ve been offering, I want nothing more than to take it and run. I have so many demons, Emmy. So many that they are woven into my very being, and I’m goddamn terrified that, if I take what you’re offering, even the platform, that promise of love, that you’ve been building won’t be strong enough, and when I tumble down, I’ll take you with me—straight into the pits of hell.”
He forces out a laugh and bends slightly at his waist, his hands going to his neck and his fingers clenching in frustration.
“Your words play in my head night after night, and fuck me if I didn’t recognize it before now, but you’ve been fighting those damn demons back even without knowing it.” He steps closer, and I have no energy to move back. I stand still, shock rooting me in place, and try to desperately process his words. “Someone told me earlier tonight that I needed to be brave and strong and show you my love. Laid out there in black and white by a damn kid,” he laughs. “He pulled my head out of my ass in two seconds, Em.”
“Mad—” I start.
“No, Em, let me finish. It’s not going to be easy for me, this whole getting words out when I’ve spend so long training myself to keep them in. For you, though… For you, I’m going to try, yeah?”
I nod and wait for him to continue. Both of us stand there, so close yet so far.
“The day I met you, my body was screaming to run. I hadn’t felt like that…ever. You brought out every single emotion that I had been fighting to keep locked away. I’ve feared every second since that those holds would never be strong enough against you. Jesus, Em, you have to understand this is new to me.”
“I know that, Mad,” I whisper.
“I pushed you. I hurt you—God, I hurt you—because I could never live with myself if the demons, the darkness, the evil inside me harmed you.”
“So you just decided to do it yourself? Save your stupid demons of darkness the trouble and just handle it?” I snip at him.
He at least has the decency to flinch. “Something like that, Em. It’s all I know. It’s the only way I could think to protect you and that was a vast mistake on my end. I want to let you in, Em. Fuck—I’m willing to goddamn beg if that’s what it takes for you to just believe that I’m here and craving just a sliver of your love. I honestly don’t know how to make it any clearer.”
“Just like that, Maddox? You want me to believe that, just like that, with one snap of my fingers, you’re going to be able to miraculously let me the hell in? Because I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I can only take so much before I’ve just had enough. I’m not even sure if I have the fight left in me for the both of us.”