Julia pulled back, giving Dani a blank look.
“I know we’re doing the comforting thing right now, but I’ve no doubt we’ll go back to fighting in a second. It’s engrained in us. I don’t know how to not fight with you now, so you can mock me. You can hate me even, but we’re still sisters.” Dani looked away, watching the water. “I’ll go visit Kathryn tomorrow. Even if she throws me out, I’ll do it.”
Julia sniffled, wiping at a stray tear. “That’s all I wanted.”
“Liar. You want me to apologize. You want me to stay away from Jake. You want me to go see Kathryn. You don’t want me at the house—I can keep going, if you want?”
Julia rolled her eyes. “Now who’s being the dramatic one?” She groaned. “I know that I love you, and I know that we’re sisters, and family stands for something, right? But sometimes, I truly cannot stand you.”
The conversation shifted. Dani couldn’t explain how it did, or articulate how she knew it did, but she felt it in her gut. Julia wasn’t talking about Kathryn, Mae, or Jake. She was talking about the one who used to burn her lasagna.
Dani pulled tight on her blanket, twisting the ends in her hands. “She would’ve still died if I stayed.”
Julia closed her eyes and bent her head.
Dani added, “I don’t think anything would’ve changed if I stayed. I wouldn’t have helped because it’s how our family is. Kathryn’s dying, and Mae won’t go near her sister.”
“She’s a coward.”
“It’s called stupidity, pride, and just too many ghosts and secrets between us. And we don’t even know half of them.” Dani spoke the truth, and felt her knot unwind—just slightly—from its hold deep inside of her. It hurt, but it hurt less.
“It would’ve helped,” Julia spoke up. “If you had been here. It would’ve helped. You could’ve been at the funeral. That would’ve helped. I really wanted you there. Even if we hated each other, I wanted my sister beside me.”
“For what it’s worth, I wish I had known. I would’ve come back.”
“Erica changed a lot.” Julia smiled for the first time and laughed even. “I know that I do stupid things. I clean obsessively, and straighten every pencil in the house, but it’s because I need my world to make sense. I’ve had so much ripped from me. I’m controlling and seeing you making Jake laugh, I can’t control that. I can’t control how much my fiancé still loves you, and I hate that. I hate you, but you’re my sister.” Her voice dropped. She was so quiet now. “But I don’t hate you, and I hate that, too.”
Fuck it.
“I knew Erica was dead because I saw her.”
She closed her eyes tight. She couldn’t believe she was saying this. She hadn’t told anyone, but it was there. Erica was there. Dani felt her. The feel of her never went away.
“What?”
“I was in a storm.” Her voice was so raw. “Before I came back, I almost died in a tsunami. There were moments I thought I was dead, and there were moments when I wished I had died.” Those same breaths that ended. They were never hers, just those around her. “But one night, I thought I was going and then Erica was there.”
Julia sucked in some air. Her hand lifted, but Dani didn’t look. She saw the movement from the corner of her eye.
“She told me it wasn’t my time. It had been hers, but I had to stay where I was.” It hurt to speak. It hurt to breathe. “I thought it was a hallucination.”
She heard Mae’s words again. “You missed your sister’s funeral…”
Dani said, “It wasn’t. It was real.”
“That’s how you found out?”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
She didn’t know what to expect, but then Julia grabbed her hand. She whispered to her, “Then you were the last to see her. How’d she look?”
Dani looked down at their joined hands. Of all the reactions, that was the best one. She squeezed Julia’s hand and rasped out, “She looked happy. She was glowing.”
Julia snorted. “Figures. She probably looks even better up there.” A beat. “What a bitch.”
Dani barked out a laugh. Julia joined in a second later and after a moment, Dani sighed. “You were telling me that you hate me?”
Julia rolled her eyes. “Yes. Duh. Always.” She was trying not to grin.
Dani murmured, “I love you, too.”
Julia sighed too. “I really miss Erica.” She came to Dani, resting her forehead on Dani’s shoulder again.
Dani rested her forehead against the side of her sister’s head. “I miss her, too. I miss Mom.”
“Me, too.” Julia brushed at her face, her blanket swiping against Dani. “Okay, enough of our dysfunctional family bonding.” She pulled away, giving her sister one long look. There was no hatred. No loathing. Just sadness and a deep mourning that only Dani understood.
Julia sniffled. “I hate you.”
Dani murmured as her sister left, “No, you don’t.”
“You don’t hate her either.” Jake stood in a different doorway from behind her.
She didn’t ask if he heard it all. She could tell he did. “Are you happy with her?” She pulled her blanket tight around her again.
Jake considered the question for a moment. “Yes, I am. Do I still love you? Yes. I still love Erica, too. I’m not in love with either of you, but you know that. Julia needs me, and I need her in ways that I never needed Erica or you.”