No! The voice yelled at him not from his head, but from his heart. He couldn't do it.
* * *
Anna's body craved Cole's touch, any kind of touch at all. Hard or soft. Out of control or sweetly tempting. No question, there was something so wonderfully depraved about what he was doing to her. And yet, even as she responded to him, even as her body begged him for more, for faster taps on her backside, even as she felt herself grow wetter, more open for him, she couldn't hide from the fact that nothing about this was right.
Not when pain was everywhere in the room. Not when pain was taking her over, top to bottom.
She didn't really feel the pain of his hand on her bottom. He wasn't hurting her at all with his little smacks. He simply didn't have it in him to hurt her. Physically, at least.
No, the pain she felt was all Cole. It was seeping from his cells, his veins, from his heart to hers.
On the verge of taking her, he'd sudden gone completely still, his fingertips digging into her hips so hard she knew she'd have ten finger-sized round bruises on her skin in the morning.
He moved away so abruptly she would have fallen if not for the table holding her up. She blinked back tears as she slowly pushed herself up so that she was standing, using the time to pull her underwear back up and smooth down her skirt to catch her breath. Finally, when she felt strong enough, she turned and faced her husband.
He'd righted his clothes too and now he was standing halfway across the room-- away from her--his hands in fists, his eyes so dark and so bleak she had to choke back a sob.
"Tell me what you see now. Tell me if they're all blind now, Anna."
She knew what he was doing, that he was trying to force a monster into the room. But there wasn't one.
"I see a man who knows exactly how to touch me."
His jaw tightened, his biceps flexing as he clearly worked to control himself. "Fuck no, Anna, I was hurting you."
"We both know you weren't," she countered in a soft voice as she took a small step toward him. "We both know I was loving, craving your touch. The way I always do. The way I always will. The way I'm craving it right now."
She knew she had to be careful, that the big strong man who hadn't run from anything in his life was a heartbeat away from bolting. But she was so sick of being careful. She'd spent a lifetime being careful.
She'd taken her first risk on Friday night when she'd let Cole kiss her, and then one after the other since in his arms. Every minute with him the risks grew bigger.
But so did her courage.
"Do you want to know what else I'm seeing, Cole?"
Instead of answering her, he said, "Don't do this, baby. Don't try to convince yourself that I'm someone I'm not."
"Don't you dare talk to me like I don't know my own eyes. My own mind. My own heart."
And despite the way he was trying to push her away, she knew deep in her heart that she wasn't wrong about him.
"I know what I see. I see a man who loves his grandmother, who plays for his team with all of his heart, who treats complete strangers with respect." She took another small step toward him. "I know what I feel. I feel your innate tenderness. I feel the pure comfort of being in your arms. And I know, without a doubt, that you're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
His eyes flashed as she repeated his earlier, sleepy words back to him. His barriers had been down after their lovemaking, so different from the thick wall she was facing tonight.
"I see what you let me see, Cole. But I want to see so much more. I want you to trust me the way I've trusted you."
"You know firsthand just how well I can lie, Anna. You shouldn't trust me. Not for one second, sweetheart."
Did he hear himself call her sweetheart even when he was trying like hell to push her away? She'd given him her body. Now there was only one thing left to give him.
And even though she knew it was the very thing he was fighting against, she couldn't keep it inside.
She wouldn't.
Not when he'd taught her how to take a chance, how to grab his hand and fly higher than she'd ever thought she could.
"I'm not an opponent you can tackle to get me out of your way," she told him. "If you want to try to push me away then you'd better be ready for me to push right back." She moved the rest of the way across the room, leaving only a couple of feet between them. "I thought I was the one who needed to learn from you. I thought I was the scared one, that you weren't afraid of anything. I thought you knew more than I did. I thought you were going to teach me crazy and I was going to learn everything I could. But only about pleasure."
She stopped, held his dark, dangerous eyes with her own. She wasn't scared anymore.
Even though her heart was completely on the line.
Instead, the strength of her feelings for the one man she never would have thought to fall for in a million years gave her the strength she'd always been searching for.
"You are the only person who's ever looked at me and thought that there might be strength inside. You are the only one who's ever held my hand and helped me fly." She held out her hand to him. "Let me do that for you, Cole."
His face was completely empty of expression and it took everything in her to keep her hand from trembling, to keep from backing away from the biggest chance she'd ever taken.
It took more strength than she even knew she possessed to hold steady, to know that she couldn't force him to feel something he didn't feel.
And to still say, "I love you."
Chapter Sixteen
Her bravery stunned him. The sweet girl he'd propositioned in Las Vegas was still there, just as innocent, her halo still hovering over her beautiful hair. But that Anna wasn't the only one standing in front of him, hand outstretched. An incredibly strong woman stood there, too.
Offering him something he didn't deserve: Love he didn't think he was capable of returning.
Cole didn't know what the f**k he was going to do about it. All he knew right then was that he couldn't let her go. Not like this.
Not f**king yet.
It was the fear of losing her that had him pulling his feet up out of the hardening cement, it was a vision of her dropping her hand and walking away forever that made him reach out and take it.
Their first night together, he'd held her hand, had loved the feeling of protecting her. But he didn't know who was protecting whom anymore.