He was silently glad that he hadn’t known. He would have killed Simon, of that Gabriel had little doubt. He’s the Angelfucker. He was going to f**k my Julianne like an animal. Only he practiced on her roommate first.
They sat in one another’s arms for a while as she tried to push away her shame, and Gabriel sought to cast his murderous thoughts aside. When he felt her heartbeat slow, he began to whisper. He told her how much he cared for her. He told her she was safe with him. Then he asked her quietly if it would be okay if he talked to her a little.
She nodded.
“Julia, I’m sorry that happened to you.” He shook his head. “I’m also sorry that you didn’t grow up in a house with a man and a woman who shared a bed and loved each other. I had that benefit.
“You know what Richard and Grace were like, always touching one another, always laughing. I never heard him raise his voice to her. I never heard her say anything snide or rude. They were the perfect couple. And as much as it is embarrassing to think of one’s parents having a sex life, it was obvious they were very passionate.
“When Richard gave me the infamous birds and the bees talk, he cited a line from the Book of Common Prayer, a vow that he’d made to Grace during their wedding ceremony, ‘With this ring I thee wed, with my body I thee worship, and with all my worldly goods I thee endow.’”
“I’ve heard that before. It’s beautiful.”
“It is, isn’t it? And in the context of my rather uncomfortable conversation with Richard, he pointed out that this vow is a pledge that the husband will make love to his wife, and not just use her for sex. He said that the vow expressed the idea that making love is an act of worship. The husband worships his wife with his body, by loving her and giving to her and moving with her toward ecstasy.”
Gabriel cleared his throat, which was now hoarse. “I think it’s safe to say that what you witnessed with your boyfriend was predatory and de-spicable. I know that you saw similar things when you were growing up in St. Louis, things that a little girl should never see. It’s possible you thought that’s just what intercourse is — and maybe you thought that all men were like him — malicious predators who use and abuse.
“Richard’s description of lovemaking was completely different. He said that it is no less passionate than other pleasures, because the context provides the freedom and acceptance to explore one’s desires in all of their various forms, whether they’re desperate and needy, or slow and tender. The point is that the foundation that undergirds the act is one of mutual respect and giving — not taking or using.”
Gabriel brought his lips to her ear so he could whisper to her. “I wandered far away from Richard’s lifestyle, but I always wanted what he and Grace had. When I told you that I was intending to worship you with my body, I meant it. With all my heart. I will never take from you. I will only give. In my bed and outside of it.”
Julia smiled against his chest.
“You and I are both starting over, and behold, all things will become new.”
She reached up and kissed him softly on the lips and whispered words of thanks to his mouth. His affirmation comforted her. It didn’t take the pain away or erase the memories, but it relieved her to hear that he wouldn’t hold her past weaknesses against her. For truly, one of the things she was most ashamed of was allowing herself to be treated so badly. It was why she had kept her secret. It was why she had feared exposure.
“Now I feel like an even bigger ass for joking with you about Nine Inch Nails when we were at Lobby. No wonder you were so upset when I mentioned that song.”
Julia nodded slightly.
“As soon as I get back to Toronto, I’m going to change the presets on my radio. I won’t be listening to that station anymore.” He cleared his throat.
“Love, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. But I’m wondering what you told your father. I owe you an apology for getting into a shouting match with him at the hospital. I said some things I shouldn’t have.”
She eyed him curiously.
“I told him he shouldn’t have sent you back to live with your mother.
That it was his job as a father to protect you, and that he failed.”
Julia was surprised. No one, not even Rachel or Grace, had ever confronted Tom about his choices. No one. An expression of wonder spread across her pretty face.
“Aren’t you angry with me?” He sounded surprised.
“I can’t be. Thank you, Gabriel, for defending me. No one has ever done that before.”
She took his hands in hers and kissed the slightly swollen knuckles and the places where the skin had split. His battle wounds were almost as dear to her as his beautiful, expressive eyes.
“I didn’t tell my dad everything. Just that I caught him with Natalie, and that I couldn’t live with her anymore. It created a problem since my dad was dating her mom. But he never complained.”
“How very noble of him,” said Gabriel sarcastically.
“I spent a few days in Selinsgrove trying to calm down, and Dad brought me back to school. He moved me out of the dorm and into a small studio apartment. You would have laughed at it, Gabriel. It was even smaller than the one I’m in now.”
“I wouldn’t laugh.” He sounded hurt.
“It’s just that you’re so particular. You would have hated it even more than you hate my current apartment.”
“Julianne, I don’t hate your apartment. As I said before, I hate the fact that you have to live there. What happened next, after you went back to school?”
“I hid. They sort of became a couple after that, and I was afraid of running into them, so I avoided all of the places where I might be seen. I went to class, I worked on my Italian and my applications for grad school, and I stayed home. I kind of…retreated.”
“Rachel mentioned something like that.”
“I wasn’t a good friend to Rachel. After that night, I stopped taking her calls. I wouldn’t even speak to Grace, even though she wrote me the most beautiful letter. I sent your family a card at Christmas, but I was too humiliated to explain what happened. Rachel knows I caught them together because Natalie finally told her. But she doesn’t know how bad it was. And I don’t want her to know.”
“Anything you tell me is strictly between us.”
“I didn’t want to admit that I had been so stupid as to get myself into that situation. That I gave in to him for so long. That I was blind to the fact that they were together. I wanted to pretend that it happened to someone else.” She looked up into Gabriel’s face, which was remarkably sympathetic.
“Please don’t say that you are stupid ever again. Shame on them both for how they treated you. They’re the villains in this story, not you.” He kissed her forehead twice and buried his face in her long hair. “I think you need to get some sleep, sweetheart. It’s been a long day, and we want you to heal.”
“Won’t it upset your family when they realize we’re in here together?”
“They figured out we’re a couple. And for the most part, I think they approve.”
“For the most part?”
Gabriel sighed. “Richard doesn’t object to us as a couple; he has con-servative views on sex. So although I promised that we wouldn’t be doing that under his roof, he would prefer we slept in separate rooms. Although I’m sure he’d turn a blind eye tonight and tomorrow night because of what happened to you.”
“What about Rachel and Aaron? They share a room.”
“Richard doesn’t approve of that, but in his mind at least they’re getting married. Rachel has always been supportive of me, and I think she’s supportive of us.”
“What about Scott?”
“Scott is very protective of you, and he knows that I’ve been a libertine, so…”
“You weren’t a libertine. You were just lonely.”
He kissed her softly. “That’s very generous of you, but we both know it isn’t true.”
They both reclined, and Julia rested her head on his chest, running her fingers across his upper body. She hummed to herself as she mulled over his words, how he’d cared for her and wanted to worship her. They were, perhaps, the most important words she had ever heard. She traced a hesitant finger over his chest, outlining his tattoo.
Gabriel’s hand quickly covered hers. “Don’t,” he breathed, pulling her hand away.
“I’m sorry. What’s m-a-i-a?”
Julia heard him catch his breath. “I didn’t mean to bring it up. But we were telling secrets. I thought…”
Gabriel began to rub his eyes with his free hand, but he didn’t release her. “Maia is a name.” His voice grew rough.
“Did you — love her?”
“Of course I loved her.”
“Were you together long?”
He coughed. “It wasn’t like that.”
Julia squeezed him tightly and closed her eyes.
But Gabriel lay awake, staring at the ceiling for a very long time.
Chapter 29
Julia awoke the next day to find Gabriel sitting on the edge of the bed, fully dressed and watching her. She yawned slightly and stretched in the rays of sunlight that streamed in from between the blinds.