She didn’t answer but felt the words like a tangled, festering knot inside her. Hanging her insecurities out to air would not help.
“I like you cranky,” he said. “I like you cuddly.”
“Are you trying to be Dr. Seuss?”
“Only if you find his works sexual y arousing.”
She snorted. “No. Not really.”
“Probably for the best.” His hand beckoned once more. “Come on, babe. Come lie down. You’re safe with me.”
“I’m safe with you?” she scoffed. Ali climbed over to him and the mattress on hands and knees. Sick of not being able to see him properly, not being able to read him. He pushed al her buttons with ease and was pleased by the response, if his smile was anything to go by.
“Are you serious? You’re the least safe person I’ve ever met,” she accused. “The very least.”
“How so?”
“Oh, come on! You’re always pushing for more. You scare the crap out of me.”
“Everything scares the crap out of you. You face it down anyway. Try to run away afterward, sometimes, but still … You get what I mean.” He peered up at her. “Besides, you don’t look scared to me.”
“It’s dark. You can’t see a thing.”
“Babe,” he whispered, so low and gentle it hurt something inside her. She hadn’t done anything to deserve such care from him. She had been a prickly pain at each and every turn, walls up, guard on high alert. It made her feel like a fraud when he put himself out there.
He was fearless. “Ali, I see you just fine.”
His face was all shadows. But his voice was clear as day.
All the reassurances a girl could ask for. There had to be a catch. But what if there wasn’t? What if everything he said was exactly how things could be and she was too rabbit-hearted to reach out and grab him?
“Relax. Come and lie down. You can fight with me again tomorrow. I promise.” He closed his eyes, yawned, and made a show of settling in for the night. Sleep sounded real y good. She wanted to lie down beside him, rest her head on his shoulder and cut the shit for a while. To relax. Be calm. Get her head on straight and shore up her reserves for tomorrow.
Maybe the plan would be easier to deal with in the morning.
“I’m tired of fighting,” she admitted in a very little voice. It leant toward the pathetic.
“Me too.”
“Dan?”
“Hmm?”
“I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.”
“Me too.” His hand shot out to catch her wrist before she could connect. How he did it with his eyes closed, she didn’t know.
Perhaps it was time to face the humbling truth: she was that predictable. “Sorry. Thank you for the apology. Can we sleep now?”
She hesitated and he tugged at her wrist until she lay on the mattress beside him. He softly laughed at her. It did bad things to the parts she tried to shelve. If only she could will her pu**y and hormones and the whole shebang out of existence. How simple would life be then?
“Sleep, babe.”
She made quick work of her boots and socks. The cool night air on her bare feet felt shivery, wondrous, and she scrunched and stretched her toes in appreciation. The little things in life made it bearable. Daniel wasn’t little. He took up a lot of room. Life, however, wouldn’t be easier minus her girl parts, which couldn’t get enough of him and his teasing. There would stil be scary shit lurking around each and every corner.
Daniel shifted beside her. “Stop it. Go to sleep.”
“I can’t.”
He groaned. “Can too.”
“Not.”
“Ali. Stop. Sleep.” The sleeping bag shushed as he tossed and turned. Maybe she should ponder the stars without freaking out. It had to have been years since she had slept out of doors. On the bed of a boyfriend’s pick-up after a bonfire out in the bush – early twenties.
Wow. Good times. Great sex. Then he’d moved away for work and that was that.
He was probably dead now. She swal owed.
Daniel executed another toss, turn and roll. He finally settled on his side, facing her, an arm arranged over her chest and one humungous leg thrown across the both of hers. Like he was pinning her down against a possible escape attempt.
He looked half asleep, total y relaxed. His limbs had definite weight. She should have minded, but didn’t. It felt sweet and honest and caught her off guard. His fingers twitched and he snuffled. It was endearing.
And she had to face it, liking him was unexpected, but real.
His breathing was slow and regular, and the stars kept twinkling overhead. She dared herself to keep watching them. Made herself.
None were falling.
There was a moan off in the distance, low and grating, but she ignored it and concentrated on the rest of what the world had to offer.
Stars were far and away prettier to contemplate than whatever roamed out there, rotting and festering.
She needed to find her happy place.
His leg really did weigh half a ton. At least. Maybe more. She didn’t want to disturb him, but she was losing sensation in her toes.
Pins and needles started up in her feet.
Ali pushed against his thigh with both hands, wiggling out from beneath it. A hand closed firmly around her shoulder, holding her in place.
“Huh? What …” Daniel’s eyes flew open and found her and then his face relaxed. “What’s wrong?”
“Hey. It’s okay.” She changed tactics, pushing against his shoulder until he relented and rolled onto his back, letting her go, re-closing his eyes.
He was clearly exhausted. She wondered if he had gotten any sleep the night before. Stil , he remained full of tricks. She had no sooner stretched out, unencumbered, than he rolled back onto his side and grabbed her with both arms before returning to his back, taking her with him this time.
“Hey!” she hissed.
“Ssh, sleeping.” His iron bars for arms held her to him. No, tree roots, thick and stubborn. She braced her elbows on either side of his head, and set her knees to the mattress beside his h*ps for leverage.
“Aah, man. Stay put, babe. Pander to me a little, please? That was a hell of a long day.”
“Daniel, open your eyes. Look at me.”
Sighing, he did, a scowl on his face, expecting trouble, obviously.
The wise words set to appease died on her tongue. She had no intention of going anywhere. He didn’t need to worry. That was al she had been going to tel him, and it wasn’t good enough … Not by half.