I nodded.
"Dad?" I pushed open their bedroom door.
The memory jarred me, but she didn't notice. Her eyes were downcast again. Her voice sounded distant to me. "What I did to you was wrong. What I did to your brother and sister was wrong, but I couldn't lose him. He knew that I had cheated. I couldn't keep the evidence."
My eyes went wide. That's what they were to her? Evidence?
"But I couldn't think about them—they weren't like how you were to me. I knew I was pregnant so I brought it up to David. We'd been together a lot more around that time, and we were always unprotected. He thought I was on birth control, but I stopped. I wasn't thinking right." Her voice lowered to a raspy sound. "I never knew he couldn't have kids. He never told me until that night. He said that I told him in the beginning I would never want any more children, that one was enough, so he never thought about it."
It was my worst nightmare come true.
"We fought that night. Later, I walked in on him packing a suitcase. I went crazy. I started throwing things. I threw his clothes everywhere. He couldn't go. He couldn't leave me." Her shoulders started to shake. She buried her head in her hands and more sobs came out. "I couldn't lose him, but he left anyway. He said that he hadn't signed up for that. I didn't know where he went. I kept calling and calling, but he never picked up. Then I found his phone, he had left his phone on the counter in the kitchen. I had nowhere to call, no one to help me. I thought it was the only thing I could do. No one wanted me. I couldn't lose David; I was still in love with him then."
I was frozen in my chair. I couldn't look away, but I couldn't keep hearing this. I didn't want to know, even though I already did know. It was the worst night of my life, unfolding before me again. I couldn't stop it. A part of me didn't want to; I needed to know everything so it made sense. Some of it had to make sense. Some of it had to be for some reason.
As she dissolved into tears, I ripped out, "And when you came back? What then?"
She sucked in her breath and lifted horrified eyes to me. They were bleak and empty. Her makeup was smudged around her. They formed black rings around her eyes and she shook her head. Her lip trembled again, but then she bit down on it. She sucked in her breath. Her chest tightened. Her shoulders lifted, and she kept shaking her head.
I closed my eyes.
She started again in a deep voice, "I didn't know what I was doing." No. That wasn't right. I shook my head, ready to tell her that when she added, "I was wrong that night. I killed my children inside of me and you were taking care of me. I was grieving, Sam, and I was keeping it a secret. I knew what they thought. They wanted me to go to counseling, but it wasn't my life that I wanted to end. It was theirs, but then you were there and they weren't. They said if I killed you, they'd come back."
I gulped and doubled over. Scorching pain ripped through me. It was as if she threw a pot of boiling water on me, drenching me. I couldn't breathe.
Her voice sounded strangled. "I went mad, Samantha. I knew it was wrong, but I kept hurting you. I forced myself to stop. I had to. I knew they wouldn't come back, and they told me that they'd leave me again if I didn't stop hitting you."
Oh god. She heard them? "You talked to them?"
Her face was closed off to me. She seemed void from all emotion. "I know they weren't real. I know I was imagining them standing there. But they comforted me. They still loved me , even though I killed them. That couldn't be imaginary, could it?"
"And that's why you stopped?"
She lifted a shoulder in a shrug. It was so easy for her. Hurting her child was something to shrug about. I couldn't believe her. Who was this woman? Then I asked, gutted, "Did you ever love me?"
She frowned. "Of course, honey."
"But—what?"
Then she looked away as her eyes grew vacant. The distant expression came over her and her voice softened. "I did two horrible things to both of my babies. I hurt them and I hurt you, but I learned from both mistakes. I will never have children again. James is my life now. I am dedicated to becoming a good wife to him, the best wife I could possibly be, and I know he misses his boys. I know I'm the reason they're not with him. It's why I responded to your text message. I knew you wanted a compromise."
She was insane. I had no other thoughts. This was my mother? This was a stranger.
She nodded, satisfied now. "I'll do as you say. You can move back in. I'll stay away. I will only focus on James and being his wife. I will stay away from you, and from Mason and Logan. You're right. They should be with their father. James feels the same. He wants his boys back. He knows he can't stop your relationship with Mason. You can all live here. That's fine with us."
Madness. That was all I could think as I gaped at this woman, but then I cleared my head. I still needed answers. "I remember being questioned by social services, but I was never taken from you." I never remembered being in the hospital. "Why not?"
Another shrug. Again. "You told them that some girls from school came to the house, and that I found you like that. I supported your story and David never knew. He suspected. I knew that, but I never hurt you again. I put it all behind me and we were fine for years after that."
"Until you started cheating on him. Again."
She nodded, but didn't respond. It wasn't worth commenting about.