I sucked in a sharp breath, stumbling upon the memory of when he asked Amory for my hand in marriage. They stood together in Amory’s office, both happy and excited for the future the two of them talked about. Amory practically raised Kiran, I could feel the way Kiran looked up to him, admired him, thought of him like a father. It meant everything to Kiran to have Amory’s blessing, and Amory had trained Kiran for just this moment. He gave Kiran his approval with the firm belief that Kiran and I would change everything, that together we would destroy Lucan. I felt Kiran keep his secret from Amory, leaving out the details about Avalon’s part in everything, but there was the determination in his heart to save Avalon once we were married, once we were united and in Kiran’s mind, invincible.
I moved on, away from the painful moments with my grandfather to even worse moments as, in hopeless agony, Kiran watched Amory die and with the death of his mentor came the loss of the only thing in his life that made this battle worth it: me. I felt his anguish, and guilt, I became consumed with the devastating grief of the next month and felt his health decline with the absence of my magic as ours had become so intertwined, so dependent on each other. I felt him give up on life and welcome death, but then I was there, next to him, saving his life and he knew that all was not lost. He knew there was still hope for us.
My heart stopped beating and my chest tightened in a vice-grip against my lungs, still I pressed forward through his mind. He began to form his own plans of how to dethrone his father and how to end the tyranny through our interactions in India and Morocco. He tried desperately to get me back, suffered every moment we were apart, or together, and didn’t have my love. Morocco gave him hope, until the Dream Walk, when I sat on the hill not even acknowledging him.
Through it all, he began to develop a relationship with Avalon. Slowly they became friends; trust blossomed between them and then the plans to save the kingdom developed naturally. If Kiran couldn’t have me, he would end his life in sacrifice so that I could have freedom. I turned my head into my shoulder with the feeling flooding my body that everything Kiran did, he did it for me. His love for me, his undying resolve to live his life dedicated to me nearly swept me away with his intensity.
The plan he and Avalon concocted was simple but ingenious. Kiran had somehow talked Seraphina and Sebastian into helping and the three of them decided that in order to get Avalon out of the Citadel, someone would need to go up against Lucan. That person would, of course, be Kiran. Kiran would fight his father, knowing without my magic he would die. Seraphina and Sebastian, in the confusion that would accompany a fight between father and son, was tasked with helping Avalon escape. Kiran’s ultimate sacrifice, his death to save my brother.
But then I showed up and ruined their plan, made Kiran’s life invariably longer and now he was faced with me. He would have to live his life, daily being reminded that he lost my love, that he ruined my life. The heartache alone was more than he could bear. And in his head, it was more than I could cope with.
Heartache. That indescribable look. The one that had started to make me feel guilty…. He was heartbroken. He looked at me with longing, desperate desire and knowing that I still didn’t want him. I shook my head and focused on his memories.
He told me he didn’t love me to help me, to help make my days easier. And a small part of him hoped that he would move on, too. But then I lost my magic and became so fragile, so mortal that he knew it was impossible. His love for me would never die. He would live his life in penance to me, working every day for my forgiveness, knowing he could never have it.
I gasped at his journey to find Avalon, to seek out the Resistance and become a part of it. I lay at the castle, magic-less and in constant threat of death and he joined the Rebellion. I felt every bit of agony as the tattoo was administered under his earlobe and his fight against Avalon to come back to me before Avalon thought he was ready. In his heart he had joined the rebellion months earlier, but after I came to the Citadel there hadn’t been time for him to get away. He made time, and suffered through the after effects without help just to stay near to me. He finally made his decision real, but not before he made every single person, including my parents and Avalon promise not to tell me. He demanded that it remain a secret. In his mind, he didn’t deserve being thought of kindly. If he was going to earn back my forgiveness, it would be as before he lost it. It would be as the same man I fell in love with.
Only he wasn’t the same man. He had evolved into someone even better than that man. A selfless man, willing to sacrifice himself not just for me, but for the kingdom that he believed deserved independence.
Back in his mind, I felt him watch me daily, trying to be the person he thought deserved me, struggling to keep me safe and in the dark about who he really was. I flipped through the rest of our history; his lust at the pond when we went swimming, his consuming affection when we danced at the Summer Solstice Celebration, the way he fell impossibly more in love with me that night in the gardens, his jealousy with Sebastian every moment until Sebastian admitted his feelings for Seraphina, the way he hoped he still had a chance with me when we spent time in Paris, his anger every time he watched me with Jericho, but his determination to let me be happy no matter which path I chose, his fury while I was kidnapped, his devastating resolve to get me back, to avenge Amory’s death and the future in his mind, after his father was dead, the excitement he had in the way he knew I would rule the kingdom. And through it all, his missions underneath the castle, freeing prisoners, meeting Avalon in the late hours of the night, plotting with us against his father, fighting for freedom…. And through it all, it was me that spurred him forward.
He loved me. No, he more than loved me; every beat of his heart was dedicated to me. I had broken him, but he woke every day with the desire to become a more worthy man for me. I started to shove further into his feelings, obsessed with getting to the bottom of every minute detail when he finally found the strength to push me out of his head.
Our minds separated with forceful closure. I stood a few feet away from him, trembling and distraught. Our emotions had been one and the same and now that we were disconnected I couldn’t distinguish his from mine. My blood rushed hot with his consuming love, with his adamant devotion. And when I dared to meet his eyes, they were like an open book, raw and ravenous with love for me.