“I understand, Dragomir. I do. I’ll do my best not to worry too much.” Like that would happen. “I love you. When a woman loves a man, she worries. I can’t stop that.”
He brought her hand to his mouth, still looking into her eyes. “And the other?”
Emeline realized immediately it was “the other” he was most worried about. “I realize you are from a different time where women didn’t have rights and their men looked after them —”
“Carpathian women have always had rights,” he interrupted. “They are cherished. Treasured. We know how capable they are.”
“Blaze and Charlotte go with Tariq and Maksim. They are at their side when a battle comes.”
“That affects us how?”
He seemed genuinely puzzled. She sighed. “Dragomir, I can’t be locked up.”
“You wouldn’t have stayed where you were safe.”
If she were honest, she wouldn’t have stayed in the house. She would have tried to help in some way. She wasn’t like Blaze, a warrior woman. She never had been. But she went her own way and made decisions for herself. She’d been doing that since she was a very young child.
“Maybe I wouldn’t have…”
“You wouldn’t have,” he said. “There is no maybe, Emeline. You would have rushed to help those children without thinking of the consequences to you, the baby, or to me.”
“It has to be my choice.”
For the first time he looked away from her, but not before she caught that terrible sorrow deep in his eyes, as if she’d just shattered his world. She curled her palm around the nape of his neck. “We’re talking it out, Dragomir. That’s what couples do.”
He shook his head. “There is no talking it out, Emeline. I am centuries old. There are things about myself I cannot change. One of those things is my need to keep you and our children safe. I have to know that before going into battle. You think it is reasonable to put yourself and our unborn child in harm’s way. I do not.”
“So because you’re bigger and stronger we do it your way?” She tried to keep belligerence out of her voice, but she felt a little confrontational.
He shook his head. “We do it my way because I cannot do it any other. I want to be everything you need, Emeline. You do not need this, but I do. In a relationship, there has to be compromise. I must learn modern ways in order to ensure your happiness. In some things, you will have to forgo modern ways to ensure mine.”
“Do you care if Blaze goes into battle with Maksim?”
He shook his head. “Blaze is a good warrior. You are not, nor will you ever be. I see into your mind, sívamet. You have compassion for all things. You have determination and courage. You would fight at my side, but the toll on you would be horrific. There is no need to prove to me or anyone else that you’re willing to fight. I want you to learn to handle the modern weapons being developed to kill the vampire. I want you adept at using them. What I cannot have is you needlessly putting your life on the line because you think you should.”
“Why is your life worth less than mine?”
“It isn’t. I have centuries of experience and you cannot hope to catch up. Truthfully, Emeline, you are the other half of my soul. I am what you need and you are what I need. Blaze is what Maksim needs. I cannot have a warrior for a partner. I cannot.” He shook his head and his golden eyes were back on hers. Holding hers. Waiting for judgment. Waiting for her to tell him she couldn’t live with him the way he was.
Emeline wanted to reassure him, but first, she had to know in her own heart if she could live with the man he was. She would be forever tucked away while he went into battle. He would never stop. Not because he had a lifemate and not when he had children. Fighting the vampire was ingrained in him. He would never stop, and she would always worry.
Would it be better if she fought at his side? She wasn’t like Blaze. She never had been. She didn’t like confrontation and she certainly, despite being taught by Blaze’s father, didn’t like to fight. Still, to know Dragomir was in danger and she could do nothing… If he was injured and she was locked away, she would go crazy.
She shook her head. “We have to find a compromise, Dragomir. I’m fine with not going into battle. I don’t want to face a vampire ever again. I don’t. On the other hand, I have to be able to defend my children, my life and yours if necessary. I can’t be a little mouse sitting at home waiting for my big bad warrior to return.”
“I have never thought of you as a little mouse,” he denied. “I want you to be able to defend yourself, the children and me, if necessary. What I don’t want is for you to make a rash decision because, like last night, things look grim. You would have to give me your word you would look to me for guidance in a situation.”
“Then you would have to give me your word you would call to me if help was needed even in the worst situation.”
“Do you understand what happens to the male Carpathian if his lifemate dies?”
She shook her head slowly. Something about the way he asked the question made her heart beat faster. She was fairly certain she wasn’t going to like his answer.
“We have two choices. We suicide, or we turn vampire. It happens fast. One can’t take the sudden change, from light to complete darkness. Everything gone after having everything beautiful. Can you imagine what kind of vampire I would be with the knowledge stored in my head? I would wreak havoc on the world, Emeline. That is one of my greatest fears. It always has been. That’s why I chose the brotherhood. Living in the monastery when I reached the point of no return rather than chancing turning vampire.”
“You wouldn’t.”
“If you were gone, I would.”
She heard the conviction in his voice. Why was she throwing up arguments? “I’m not Blaze. I don’t want to fight vampires. I just want you to understand that I have to make my own choices. You need to explain to me the things you need to make you happy. I have to be the one to make the choice. You can’t force me. That’s a dictatorship, not a partnership.”
“I understand the kind of man I am, Emeline.”
Again, she could hear sorrow in his voice. He didn’t believe she could accept who he was. He believed she would reject him. Her breath rushed out of her lungs. She understood that feeling. She’d had it all her life. She’d lived without acceptance. He had given her unconditional acceptance to be who she was.
She detested fighting. She always had; as far back as she could remember, she’d had to fight off men, fight for food, fight for the right to be educated. Dragomir knew all those things about her, because unlike her, he’d looked into her memories and taken those things into consideration. She’d been a coward and hadn’t considered his memories. She hadn’t wanted to see the stark ugliness of his life, but if she’d bothered to learn everything she could about him, she would know what he needed.
She took a deep breath. Whatever commitment she made, he would expect her to keep. If she gave her word, she should expect to keep it as well. Could she? If there was danger, as there had been the night before, to the children, to the other women, to him, would she be able to stay in her house and let him – and any others – go into battle without her?
“I want to give you my word. I know you need that from me.”
“But you can’t.”
“Not yet,” she admitted reluctantly. “I need to get to a place where I know how all this works before I can give you my word of honor.”
“Can you accept me putting you in a safe position, Emeline? Because I will. Make no mistake about it, I will safeguard you every single battle until I have your word that you will do so yourself.”
She heard the implacable resolve in his voice. He would lock her up. He would take the decision out of her hands. She either had to accept that or… what? Lose him? That was unacceptable. She bit at her fingertips nervously. “For now, when something happens, safeguard me, Dragomir, but leave me a way out in your mind so I can get to you if you’re injured and I need to do that.”
Relief crept into the gold of his eyes. He nodded slowly. “Thank you, Emeline. I realize it is difficult for you to give me that and it is all the more appreciated that you would. I will use your consent with care and as sparingly as possible.”