“This is so hard,” I sigh. “So damn hard.”
“So just say it. What is so big that you would rather go out with douchebags than admit that what we have is worth something to you? You melted for me, Chelc. Melted.”
“Give me a second okay? I just need to figure out how to explain everything.”
I weigh my options before I realize that there is no easy way to drop all of this on him. So I just start at the beginning.
“You know about everything that went down with Dee, right? Last year, when she almost died?”
He nods but doesn’t say anything and lets me set the pace.
“I was the one who found her. Did you know that?” He shakes his head, still remaining silent. “That did something to me, Ash. I don’t know how to explain it. Finding her, the one person I’ve had in my life who means so much. A sister without the blood relations. Seeing her that close to death made me panic. I really think that I was in some sort of shock. I don’t know. It doesn’t make what I did right, but when comfort was offered, I took it. One night, one time, but I needed to feel alive. I needed it.” I swallow the growing lump in my throat and look into his eyes, needing to know how he’s going to handle this. “I slept with Coop,” I whisper so lightly that, if it weren’t for his arms around me and my face inches from his own, I don’t think he would have heard me.
His eyes flash and his arms go solid, but he doesn’t speak. I wait, wait for him to say something—anything—for a solid minute.
“You slept with my brother?” he asks.
I can’t tell if he’s upset or just processing it. His tone sounds neutral, but his eyes are telling me another story.
“I did. It’s not something I’m proud of. I used him, Ash. Well, I guess, in a way, we used each other. It happened, and while I can admit it was a mistake, I don’t regret it.”
“You don’t fucking regret it?” he questions, this time not masking his anger.
“I don’t.” I straighten my back and get ready for the toughest part.
“Clear something up for me, Chelcie. While I’ve been thinking we’ve been starting something, have I been some second-place consolation prize for my brother? Because, let me tell you, I’ve been there, done that, and got the fucking T-shirt. That isn’t something I ever want to experience again.”
I frown, trying to make sense of his exclamation. He reaches up and lightly caresses the wrinkle between my brow before he realizes what he’s doing and drops his hand, his face looking confused and…pained.
“I didn’t then nor do I now have feelings like that for your brother. I will always respect and admire his strength and bravery, but as far as any romantic feelings, no. The way I feel about you, that’s all for you.”
“Then please explain to me how you could not regret sleeping with him?”
Here it goes. The moment that could very well rip any chance at a relationship between Asher and me apart—or the one that solidifies the bond we’ve felt tugging us together since day one.
“Almost a month after that one night…maybe closer to a month and a half—I can’t remember. It took me a while to even admit it to myself. To believe that my selfish need to feel alive had succeeded in proving that. In driving it home in one tiny plus sign.”
“I’m not following you here, Chelcie.”
“I’m pregnant, Asher. I’m pregnant with Coop’s baby. He didn’t know because he… Well, he didn’t know because of everything that happened, and before I could tell him, it was too late.”
“What?”
I keep looking into his stunning blue eyes, which are now a beautiful light-navy color, showing me with crystal-clear clarity just how much pain my admission is bringing him.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so damn sorry. I wanted to tell you and I had every intention in telling you, but there never seemed to be a good time.” Even to my own ears, it sounds like shit. I should have told him the second I met him.
“You fucking think?” he yells.
He moves, standing up from the chair with me still locked in his arms, and sets me back down before pacing away from me. Getting as far from me as he can.
“You’ve… Jesus Christ! You’re pregnant with Coop’s baby? No good time,” he mutters, continuing his pacing. “How could you keep this from me, Chelcie? Were you ever really going to tell me?” he shouts.
“Of course I was!” I defend.
“Yeah? When? When I fell for the little games you’ve been playing with my mind? When you went into labor? Shit, how were you going to hide a belly? Because let me tell you, I never would have guessed you’re pregnant now!”
I know he’s hurt. He’s hurt and I did this to him, to us. I stand as straight as I can, trying my best to keep it together and let him have this. Let him get it out. I can only hope that, when he’s done, he can find it in his heart to forgive me.
I just haven’t decided if I deserve his forgiveness.
“I can’t even look at you right now without my anger getting the best of me. This isn’t done, but right now, I need to get the fuck away from you before I say something I’m going to regret.”
I nod, not trusting myself to speak with the tears burning my nose and the lump climbing back up my throat. I’m seconds away from completely falling apart.
He looks at me for a few more seconds before turning on his heels and storming through the front door. I hear it slam, and it’s all I need for my body to give the emotions permission to burst forth.
I crumble to the ground and cry. I cry for everything I’ve stupidly done. I cry for Coop, our baby, Asher, and every single unknown second of my future.
I cry until I have nothing left. It’s only then that I notice the sun that was bright in the sky is now gone and my apartment is pitch black. I don’t even stop to turn on the lights as I make my way down the hall, stripping down to my bra and panties on the way and curling beneath the thick blankets on my bed. I wish that the smooth fabric were the arms I so desperately need to be holding me tight.
Chapter 15 – Asher
“You senseless little fuck,” the voice slurs. “Where is your stupid fucking brother?” it asks again.
I don’t want to open my eyes. I know there is no reasoning with her when she gets like this. I keep praying one day that she just won’t come home. That she will crash her car into a tree, pick up the wrong man for an easy lay, and end up dead like other stupid chicks on the TV. That she might overdose on one of the millions of pills she drops down her throat.