“Why are you crying?” he asks me softly. “Don’t you want to know how I’d do it over?”
I smile a little and wipe my face. “I do, I want to know. I’m sorry, I just feel so sad all of a sudden. Like something is going to go wrong at any moment.”
“Hey,” he says, lifting my chin up so I have to look him in the eyes. “Nothing is gonna go wrong, OK? I’ve got it all under control.”
“All what?” I say, trying to stop the tears. “What needs to be under control?” My heart is racing so bad, I might faint. I reach out for the glass railing of the terrace, but then James has a hold of me. He leads me over to a chaise longue, sits down, and then pulls on me until I sit in front of him and rest back against his chest.
“You’re getting all worked up now, Harp. Stop. I brought you up here to tell you about my do-over. So just relax and enjoy the story.”
I take a deep breath to calm myself down. I realize this is an overreaction, but as usual, I’m helpless to stop it. “I need those pills,” I say more to myself than James.
“Harper,” he says sternly. Stern enough to make me jump a little. “I do not want to hear about those f**king pills again. I’m not f**king around, either. You are not to take them, do you understand me?”
“I don’t even have any, so it’s not like I could.”
“Do you understand me?”
“Yes,” I reply back. I turn around enough to see his face and he’s genuinely angry. “Sorry, it was a joke. Just a stupid throwaway comment. That’s all.”
“He controls you with those pills, Harper.”
“Who?”
“Your father, who else? He’s the one who had them prescribed for you. He’s the one who encouraged them.”
“To control the panic attacks, and he’s not even around, so just drop it.”
“Promise me—”
“I promise, Jesus. Just tell me your do-over.” I cross my arms, angry at my mood swings. And his. We are all over the place today.
“Sorry,” he says with a kiss to my head. “Sorry, I just know how hard it was to wean you off them, so I don’t want you falling back on old habits.”
“When would I even have the chance?”
“OK, fine. Are you ready?”
I turn so I’m lying sideways on his chest and then I close my eyes and enjoy his scent. His strong arms around me. His gentle caress up and down my arm. “You’d come see me that day we turned Six and you’d say yes to my father’s offer.” I chuckle a little as I look up at him. And then stop. Because he’s frowning at me.
“No, Harper. I can’t say yes to that dirty offer. That was the only good thing I’ve ever done in my life. You had a good childhood, right?”
“I did,” I admit.
“So taking you away back then would ruin you. All that you are today, all the things I love about you, both good and bad, are all because of those twelve years we were apart.”
“Then how is that a do-over?” I ask, confused. Everything today is so confusing.
“It’s a do-over because I’d do it all over again.” My tears are back again. He presses his face into my neck and hugs me tight. “I love you for who you are. I love you right now, everything about you. I want you the way you are. I wouldn’t change a thing, Lionfish. Not a damn thing. I love the way I met you. I love that stupid ballerina bathing suit you were wearing. I love that you were trying to bury me with a pail and a shovel and you drew me your secret in the sand—”
“You knew?”
“No, baby. I didn’t know until you told me your name under the pier. It took me twelve years to figure that out.” He laughs. “But I want you to know, I thought about you every night. No matter where I was in the world. No matter what I was doing. And even though I had to tell your father no, my answer was always yes.” He turns my head and kisses me gently on the lips. “My answer was always yes. You are mine, Harper. And you have always been mine. And if I tell you to walk through fire?”
“I’m fireproof,” I whisper back.
“Do you believe me?”
I shake my head no. “I’m not fireproof. I’m a sad mess.”
“You’re bulletproof. You cannot be touched, baby. You can’t. Because I’m your shield. That’s all you need to know. That’s the only thing you need to know. Just—” He pushes on me until I turn around enough to look him in his eyes. “Just believe in me.”
“You’ll come back for me?” He smiles and my heart breaks. “You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
“No,” he says too quickly. “I’m not leaving. Not for good anyway. I’m gonna go get what I need and I’ll be right back. And then we’re gonna go watch the damn sunset. If it’s the last thing I do, I will get another sunset with you.”
And then his chest rumbles with a laugh and I feel like the saddest person on earth when he tilts me forward, slips out from behind me, and walks out to do his job.
Chapter Thirty-Three - Harper
A few minutes later a door slams two floors below me. A few minutes after that, Sasha appears on the terrace. “Harper? Are you OK?”
“Do you trust him?” I ask her as I stare out at the Pacific Ocean. The view he has, holy mother, it’s perfect.
Sasha lets off an uncomfortable laugh. “Well, he’s not very nice most of the time. And he’s killed a lot of people compared to me. So I guess not. But—”