“As much as I can manage.” Which hadn’t been a lot. The nurses checking the baby, ranging from every thirty minutes to an hour, always woke me up.
“I hope you don’t mind me coming after… everything.”
Why would she think that? She knew I loved her.
“No, don’t ever think that.” Having her here was a blessing. Being in her presence had already made a huge difference to me.
She looked thoughtful, her eyes never leaving mine before asking the hardest question of all. “How much time does she have?”
Limited. How vicious was it to bring life into the world and then take it all away in a matter of days, some even in hours, leaving the parents in pure turmoil and anguish? Life was a gift, and yet, I felt like the baby’s life was being played at; as if this was all some kind of a twisted joke, which had been played at the baby’s expense.
“She’s declining steadily…” My chest tightened at the meaning of my words. “Maybe a day or two at best.”
“Oh, God!” Her face contorted before she stood up, sat next to me, and threw her arms around my neck, hugging me with all sincerity. “I’m so sorry, Toby.”
My arms hung onto her as I breathed her in, expelling the pain in my chest with something as light as her scent. It filled me with everything I needed. “Yes… me, too.”
Chapter 21
Toby
It was five in the morning when someone lightly shook me awake, calling my name with soft urgency that immediately snapped me out of my sleep.
“Yes?” I mumbled, rubbing my face from exhaustion.
“Sir—Señor… it’s time.” The nurse rushed out as she looked at me with sad understanding.
Nodding, I took a moment. “All right,” I murmured as she stalked off through the glass door towards the NICU.
I was about to get up when I realized that something heavy sat on my lap. Peering down, I realized that it was Lucy’s head while her hand rested on my thigh, fast asleep. If it was any other instance, I wouldn’t give this up for anything, but this wasn’t just any other time. This was the only time I had with the baby, and the seconds were ticking by like a clock, gradually diminishing her life as it ticked away.
“Luce…” Gently stroking her head, I started to wake her up. “I have to go and be with her.”
She started to move, barely opening her eyes, sleepy as can be. “What’s wrong?” she muffled, yawning before lifting her head off my lap.
Christ, I was dying inside. Yet, with one look at Lucy, I felt like I could take on the world. “I have to go and see the baby. The nurse told me it’s time.”
Getting up, I started to walk towards the door when I felt her scramble to her feet, following my steps.
The second I entered, I knew things were different this time. The machine’s steady beeping had a prolonging sound to it—like a warning.
Striding towards the nurse that awakened me, who was with the baby, she greeted me shortly before another nurse came in and helped take off the tubes and wirings that were attached everywhere on her body. One nurse started bundling her while the other took care of the machines. Not before long, the beeping noise disappeared and the room was still as we looked at the nurse bringing the baby towards me.
“You can sit here… and rock her to sleep.”
I did as she asked, stepping forward to sit on the wheat colored, linen rocking chair.
She made a cooing sound, comforting her. “Papa is here, mi angel.” She then angled her body low, handing the baby over, while I nervously tried to cradle her in my arms in an awkward manner before shifting her a bit to lean against my chest, pressing her cute cheek on it.
The nurses stayed for a few minutes, making sure I had everything I needed before they gave me their kind sympathies and exited the room.
I couldn’t stop staring at her with such profound feelings of love and wonderment—fear and pain. My heart broke even more when she puckered up her lips and made a sucking sound.
“She’s precious, isn’t she?” I looked up and found Lucy halfway across from me with disheveled hair and red cheeks, watching me with tears streaming down her face.
She made a small nod before coming towards us, stopping a few steps away as if she wanted to be here, and yet, she wanted to give me space to mourn as well.
“She’s beautiful, Toby.”
This would be all of what I would remember her by. There wouldn’t be photos of her first tooth, the first step, first birthday… I wished that there was some small something I could do to make her live. Watching her tiny, fragile frame, I felt that it was all my fault she hadn’t been carried full-term. The reason why she was dying, too, because, at twenty-one weeks gestational age, she didn’t have the necessary immune system that could shield her from infection and all other dangers.
“When I first saw her, I asked her one thing, and that was not to give up on me yet.” Gazing over her sweet face, I ingrained it in my memory, knowing that I would forever miss this little angel of mine. “She tried… all I asked was for her to try, and she did…”
She was swaddled with a warm, pink cloth. Her small, frail body so warm and so light, weighing almost nothing, as if she was made of air.
“She’s a good girl, but she doesn’t have enough energy to keep fighting. She probably misses her mom.”
Just then, I saw her eyes blossom slowly, lifting open. Dark eyes stared right at me, as if she knew, too—that we didn’t have that much time to get to know each other. Wetness pooled at my eyes as I cherished this amazing encounter I had with my baby.
Reaching for her arm, her hand somewhat hung on to my forefinger as she blinked at me.
“Hi, sweet pea,” I murmured, choking on tears.
This… this was killing me inside. I wanted to save this tiny, beautiful girl, and yet, I didn’t have the power to do anything. It was out of my hands.
Just as the doctor had ordered, I started to say a prayer.
Her eyes penetrated my heart, and I hoped to God that, whatever happened after death, someone or something would guide her, make sure that she’d be safe and secure and out of harm’s way.
Extreme sorrow racked my body as I slowly rocked the chair, lulling her with my warmth, comfort and blanket of love.
My heart spoke, reciting a sweet poem I had read before by some unknown poet.
I felt an angel near today,
Though one I could not see.
I felt an angel, oh so close,
Sent to comfort me.