His blue eyes glistened. “How could I tell you something like that, Leah? I didn’t want to make you afraid. I just wanted you to be happy. To not have to worry. To have a fresh start without the fear of some dog turning you into a whore. Truth was, I was terrified Russell would track you down. I sent him a note after we ran away, and I threatened to call the police and tell them everything if he ever showed up around here looking for you. I didn’t think that would keep him away, but it has and I don’t regret doing any of that.”
It never occurred to me he’d ever go to those extents to hide something like that from me just to make me happy. I stared at him in bewilderment, wishing he’d let me in on that.
“But your father…” I started and my words trailed off.
He looked away from me and sighed. “My father’s just a drunk, Leah. Nothing more. We’ve had fights, sure. A couple times it got physical, but he’s never instigated it.”
“You hate him.”
“I hate him for what he did to my mom. Their marriage was dysfunctional. That was my shining example of what relationships are like, and I don’t want any part of it. Things can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. And my mom worsened around him, and in return it fucked up my childhood. He drove her away and made her do things that…” He paused and shook his head. His eyes went red in recollection. “They destroyed each other. That’s what love does, Leah. It destroys people. Look how far I pushed you.”
“You always made it clear,” I replied quickly. “It wasn’t your fault. It was my own.”
“No, Leah, it wasn’t your fault at all. You were right before. I need you more than you need me. It’s always been that way, since the first time I saw you, sitting on your porch. I saw your blonde hair and it reminded me of my mom, and all I wanted to do was look at your face. When you turned to me and your cheeks went pink, I thought you were beautiful. I’d watch you sometimes. You always stuck out. Always alone, sitting by yourself, doing your own thing. I remember watching you attack Graeme. I’d sort of hoped he would pick on you just so I could come swooping in to save the day. The last thing I expected was for you to jump him like that. It was incredible.
“I miss how we were back then. I miss our innocence. Things were shit, but life was simple, and now those days feel a million miles away and I want that nostalgia back. I need to feel like I deserve sitting next to you. I hurt you. I’ve always hurt you, and I’m a piece of shit for it.”
“We’re young,” I muttered just then, staring at him closely as his blue eyes looked into my brown. “We’re stupid… and we’re really wrong for each other.”
His chest gave out beneath me as he exhaled slowly, his eyes glistening. He knew I was right. I was coming to peace with it.
“You’re not where I am yet,” I continued, sniffing. “You’re not ready to open up. I’ve reached the point where I realize I can’t help you. Only you can do that.”
He didn’t say anything. He just listened, and the pain on his face burned me.
“It’s okay,” I said, holding back a cry. “I pushed you. I took you however way you’d give me, and I realize you’ve taken over my entire world. I… I don’t even know who I am.”
“You’re going to be amazing.”
I nodded. “One day. So are you. And… maybe one day after you’re gone, we’ll see each other again and on different terms. Maybe… we’ll be able to have a friendship again, and it be just that. Friends. But not now.”
“We can try,” he pressed me, pleadingly. His hand went to my face and his finger skimmed my lip. “I want you with me. I want you to come. I’ll take care of us. I’ll… I’ll do whatever it takes. Just come with me. With the band. It’ll be a new start. And we’ll be friends. True friends, Leah. Please.”
I smiled sadly, and pulled his hand away from my lips, motioning to it. “No, because it would mean you can’t touch me like that, Carter.”
His jaw tensed and he shook his head in denial. “I can do that. I’ll –”
“We’ve depended on each other in two different ways, and we need to find our own selves,” I told him. “I have a future here, and yours is out there. That’s the way it has to be. That’s the only way it’ll work. Otherwise we’ll ruin all that we are, until there’s nothing left but the bad, and I don’t want that to happen.”
I shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling. Even closed, they found a way out. I heard his breaths, hard and shaky, and when he grabbed me again, I moved into him, burying my face back into his chest again.
“You’re saying good bye, aren’t you?” he managed out, devastated. “Fuck, you’re saying we’re done when I go, huh?”
“Just for now.”
“I can’t live without us, Leah.”
I wiped another tear. “That’s the problem, Carter.”
I learned I couldn’t show him that he wanted more. I couldn’t force it out of him. Maybe, in the end, I just wasn’t the right person to do it. Maybe, someday, he would meet a girl who opened his eyes and made him want to be more.
Letting go was the only way to salvage us.
He needed to follow his dream, and I needed to follow mine.
It was hard, and we were going to be lost in the start, but if we learned to look within, we’d pave our own paths. And maybe one day those paths would intersect. Either way, that wasn’t the point. The point was to work on ourselves. To love who we are before we love someone else.
I’d miss him. I’d probably love him forever. At the end of the day, I learned a harsh lesson, and it would change me forever.
An uncommitted love will always end in heartache.
Twenty-two
I remember our goodbyes like it was yesterday.
It was bittersweet.
We’d spent two weeks together, trying to prolong the last remnants of our friendship. I could feel the buzz in him. The excitement he shared with the guys was infectious. They packed their things and got ready to take off one early morning.
Carter’s hopeful face was permanently embedded in my memories.
There was also heartbreak in him too.
Out front, beside Rome’s jeep where the rest of the boys sat, Carter took me into his arms and hugged me tight. He didn’t say anything for a while. Everything important had already been said. I was too choked up for words.