His hands grabbed at my shoulders and he brought me to him. His arms went around me. He dipped his face to me and whispered, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean what you said, alright? You were trying to hurt me. I get it.”
I covered my face and breathed deeply. He just held me like that for a long while, and then he pulled away and helped wash me. I didn’t deserve this.
“I need to tell you something,” he muttered as his fingers worked through my scalp. “We’ve been contacted by a record label who listened to our demo. They’ve checked us out, saw our following and the videos we’ve put up. They want us down there for a recording. Nothing’s set in stone at all. It could be a total bust, but the music producer sounds really keen. I’m not holding my breath or anything, but the guys want to do this badly. Even if it doesn’t pan out, they think getting out of here is the best route for an even bigger fan base.”
“Oh, my God,” I whispered. I was absolutely shocked. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. “When do you have to go?”
“He wants us there as soon as possible.”
“Where is down there?”
“California.”
I was speechless. Utterly speechless.
“Congratulations,” I forced out of my mouth, but it sounded forced.
This is what I was waiting for. I knew they would need to branch out if they were going to take their music seriously. I just didn’t expect it to happen now.
A deep silence took over. His movements slowed, and I didn’t feel much comfort as he washed away the soap on my body. I would have preferred he left me alone right then and there. I needed to come to terms with what was to come and wrap my head around not having him here anymore.
It was like he could read my thoughts. He washed himself next and then stepped out of the stall, grabbing a towel and loosely hanging it around his hips as he left. I watched his back, took in his soaked hair that was darker when it was wet, and felt a huge sense of loss when he disappeared out the door.
I was going to miss all of him. Every little thing. Walking in the apartment and picking up his dirty socks. Listening to him sing his on-the-spot rubbish songs. Holding him to me. Joking with him. Talking to him.
Everything.
And I’d wasted so much time being angry at him.
All because of what?
Regret was a bitch, and it was feasting on my insides.
I turned off the water and stepped out. I grabbed a towel and wrapped myself before hurrying out of the bathroom. He was sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees, staring absently at a spot on the wall.
“I’m sorry,” I immediately said as I approached. I felt hot tears skid down my cheeks as I stopped beside him. “I’m so sorry for everything –”
He took me by the arm and pulled me to him. I crashed down on the couch next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and brought me closer. I cried into his chest, pained by everything.
I would never have his love.
I ruined our friendship.
I turned us into enemies for weeks.
He was going to go and I would have done anything in that moment to turn back time and savour every minute with him.
“I hate myself,” I sobbed. “I was just so hurt. I was so angry at you. I just wanted to be loved. I’ve loved you since I was ten years old. The first time I saw you stepping out of your car, I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you, and when you gave me a piece, I wanted it all. I shouldn’t have pushed! I should’ve just been there for you, as a friend. Then none of this would have happened.”
He listened to me. I wasn’t sure I was talking sense. I didn’t care, either. He just held me, and I could hear his heartbeats speeding up as I continued, muttering the same repeated shit over and over again. Declaring my love, apologizing, wishing that things hadn’t turned the way they did.
I was exhausted by the time I shut up and calmed down. My tears had long dried on his skin and I shut my eyes. I felt so good in his arms. Like this is where I belonged. It made the pain worsen. I was cursed. It was almost like I was wired to love him, and I wanted to turn it off.
“I lied to you about why I left the trailer park,” he suddenly whispered, pulling me out of my thoughts. “It wasn’t because of my dad. It was because of you.”
“What do you mean?” I asked, dumbfounded.
“I wanted you out of there. I’d gone around earlier to knock on your window when I heard the guys out front negotiating over something. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but then Russell started to get angry, and I couldn’t resist eavesdropping when I heard him start to shout.
“He was negotiating the price on your head. Said you were going to be ready for the business, and they were auctioning you off for the next day. Russell warned them you’d be opposed to it, and that you’d be fighting back. He said you needed to be broken through, like he did with Cheryl, and the real twisted part was the men seemed even more eager than before.”
I felt his body tense, and his heartbeat took off against my ear, harder than before. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he continued again.
“Then they started their fucking auction, and one of them won, and it was something fucking stupid, like three hundred bucks for all of you. It was disgusting and I was pissed in a way I’d never felt before. I was tempted to grab my dad’s rifle and shoot them all down. It took everything in me not to. Instead, I followed after the winner.
“He was making his way down the street when I did it. It’d only just started to rain when I jumped him from behind and dragged him into the bush. He was a big guy, and he was completely surprised. I remember throwing him to the ground and slamming my boot against his face before he grabbed my leg and pulled me down. He fought back, punched me across the face before I rolled him back over and beat him again. He kept telling me to just grab his wallet, thinking I was robbing him or something. I didn’t listen. I fucked him up ‘til he could hardly move, and then I hurried back home and packed a bag. I waited for Russell and Cheryl to pass out. Then I went for you.”
He was shaking. I pulled away and looked up at him. He was devastated telling me this, and I felt completely broken watching him. I couldn’t believe he did that for me. All this time I thought it was his father that drove him out…
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I choked out.