“I don’t mean we’d break up, but we can’t raise a baby in an apartment.”
“I guess we’d have to move.”
“But what about school?”
I pause as I recall the conversation I had with Dr. Goldberg a couple of weeks ago that ended with me scheduling an appointment with an academic advisor. I’ve been holding off on telling Chris because I wanted to save the news for a special moment. New Year’s Eve seemed like the perfect time to tell him, but I wonder if right now would be better.
“What are you thinking about?” he asks with a smile.
I try not to grin too broadly. “I’ll tell you later. I have to go check the results now.”
“Can I go in there with you?”
“Of course.”
My hand trembles as I grab the test off the vanity in the bathroom and hold it up for both of us to see: One pink line. Not two.
“I’m not pregnant.”
I toss the test into the small trashcan next to the toilet and head for the door, but Chris grabs my hand to stop me from leaving.
“Are you disappointed?” he asks.
I turn to face him and the confused look on his face makes my stomach cramp. “I know it’s stupid because we’re totally not ready for a baby, but yeah. I’m disappointed. I’ve been fantasizing about what it would be like, and I know it won’t be perfect. I know it will remind us of Abigail, but I also know it would be beautiful. I just really wanted to see that joy that I saw on your face when you held Abigail.”
“I love that you said that.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re thinking of my happiness. You’re always thinking of me.”
For some reason, him saying this aloud makes me blush with embarrassment, as if he’s just undressed my soul. He’s right, I’m always thinking of his happiness. I don’t think I even notice when I’m doing it.
“That’s because you’re my real life hero,” I say as I drape my arms over his shoulders and rest my forehead against his. “How do you feel? Are you disappointed?”
“Yes, but I know as long as I keep studying and drinking my Capri-Sun, I’ll grow up big and strong and we’ll make lots of babies.”
He kisses the tip of my nose and I lick his chin. “Yum,” I murmur. He chuckles as he locks his arms around my waist, then I wrap my legs around his hips as he lifts me off the floor. “Ooh, you don’t need Capri-Sun. You’re already strong.”
I rest my head on his shoulder as he carries me out of the bathroom and walks straight through the bedroom toward the kitchen.
“It would have been nice to be surprised with a baby,” he says as he sits me on top of the kitchen counter then goes to the refrigerator. “But I have a surprise I think you’ll like just as much.”
He opens the refrigerator and pulls out a box of Capri-Sun. He sets it next to me on the countertop and starts taking out every pouch of juice in the box.
“I’m not really into that stuff like you are,” I say and he smiles as he removes the last pouch.
He reaches into the box again and pulls out a small black box. “My mom wanted me to give you this for Christmas, but you hadn’t proposed to me yet so I thought the songbook would be better.” He lifts the lid on the box revealing a gold necklace with a teardrop pearl pendant suspended in the center of a diamond-encrusted gold ring. This is the necklace I’ve seen Jackie wear on special occasions. “You know both my grandparents are gone, but this was my grandmother’s wedding ring. My mom had it made into a necklace after my grandma died so she could keep it close to her heart. She wants you to use it as your wedding ring.”
I rub my finger over the smooth pearl and smile. “It’s beautiful, but we haven’t even set a date.”
“It’s okay. She still needs to take it to the jeweler so he can take out the pendant and turn it back into a ring. Do you want it?”
I nod and he replaces the lid on the box then sets it aside. “Well, that takes care of the ‘something old’ part. Now we just need something new, borrowed, and blue.”
“When do you want to get married?”
He shrugs as he puts the drinks back into the box. “Your birthday’s in seven months, but it will be too hot to get married in August. Maybe we could do it in April then my birthday gift will come early when I take you on the honeymoon during Spring Break.”
Chris’s birthday is in May, but he doesn’t know that I’ve been planning a much better gift than a honeymoon during Spring Break.
“April sounds good,” I reply. “It’s not going to be a huge wedding. We can totally put it together in three months.”
He puts the box of Capri-Sun back in the fridge then he grabs my knees and spreads my legs apart. He grins as he wraps his arms around me and slides me forward until my butt is on the edge of the counter. “I honestly don’t care where, when, or how we get married as long as it’s just you and me and the people we love. No reporters or photographers or hundreds of people we don’t know.”
I run my fingers through his hair and he closes his eyes. “I’ll ask Senia and Rachel to help me with the planning when we get back from Vegas. I’m sure I can get a lot done before next semester starts.”
“Let’s talk about the wedding later.”
“What do you want to do right now?”
“I’m not going to lie. I was stressed as fuck today at the PT appointment. I kept thinking of you and hoping you were okay. I just want to take a long, hot shower and lie in bed for the rest of the day. We can pack for Vegas tomorrow morning.”
“I can handle that.” I slide off the counter, feeling a little guilty for allowing him to carry me here with his knee the way it is. Sometimes, I forget about it because he never complains. But he insists it’s getting a lot better since he started therapy.
As soon as we’ve showered, we lie down in bed and I pull the red songbook he gave me out of the top drawer of my nightstand.
“I promise I haven’t peeked at the last page. I just want to read while we lie here. Is that okay?”
He grabs the book from me and lays it on his nightstand. “Just tell me what you want to hear and I’ll sing it to you.”
He hops out of bed and grabs his acoustic guitar off the wall. He sits on the edge of the bed and I slide off the bed so I can sit cross-legged on the carpet in front of him.
His eyes are locked on mine as he sings each word to me, his voice soft as a lullaby and I’m mesmerized. Bombs could be going off outside our window and I’d never know.
I may be the melody of Chris’s soul, but Chris is my harmony. He is the one who fills my heart and soul with peace. I’m so glad he will be standing next to me when I see my father on Monday.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Chris
Trying to keep a secret from someone you live with, someone who knows everything about you, is like hiding under a box with pinpricks for windows. If you put your eye next to one of those holes, you can see everything on the outside, but no one can see what you’re hiding inside.
Every time Claire says something about Rachel’s wedding, I want to shake her and say, “Can’t you see what’s going on right under your nose?”
“She said she’ll have my dress waiting for me in our hotel room. I can’t believe I don’t even get to try it on again before the wedding,” Claire says as she packs some face soap and creams into her makeup bag. “I mean, the dress looked okay at the fitting, but it was so rough. What if it looks hideous or the seamstress messed up? I just think it was a bad idea to rush this wedding. She and Jake have been together more than seven years. Why did they have to get married on New Year’s Eve?”
I grab her hairbrush out of the top drawer and hand it to her so she doesn’t forget it. “Maybe they didn’t want to wait anymore. Don’t you ever feel like going to the courthouse and getting married without anyone knowing?”
“Not really. I want your mom there at the very least.”
“I think they’re doing the right thing. They’ve put it off for too long as it is. They’ve been living together for more than three years,” I reply as I follow her into the bedroom.
She stuffs her makeup bag into her suitcase and zips the suitcase closed. “We’ve lived together for more than three years. That doesn’t mean I want to rush to set a date for the wedding. Anyway, the point is, if I hate this dress, Rachel is going to owe me big time.”
I grab her suitcase off the bed and set it on the floor. “Are you ready to go?”
Her eyes widen as she realizes this is it. “No, I’m not ready, but I’ve got no choice. I have to see my sister.”
“And you’re sure you don’t want to at least try to call before you show up?”
“I don’t want to give him any opportunity to put on a mask. That whole letter reeked of someone with something to hide.”
I can see that she’s trying to be strong despite her growing anxiety. I smooth her hair back and kiss her forehead and she lets out a deep sigh.
“Everything is going to be fine.”
We arrive at my mom’s house to pick up a pair of heels Claire ordered for the wedding. She had them delivered to the house in case they arrived after Claire and I left to California. When we pull into the driveway, Joel is rolling my mom’s red suitcase down the walkway toward us.
“What the fuck?” I mutter.
“Be nice,” Claire insists as I get out of the car.
“What’s going on?” I ask as Joel approaches me with the suitcase.
“Your mom is almost ready.”
“We’re just here for the shoes. My mom’s flight isn’t until tomorrow.”
Joel raises his eyebrows as if this is out of his control. “She said she was going with you two. She wants to be there for Claire.”
My mom comes strutting down the walkway with her coat on and her purse over her shoulder.
“Mom, what are you doing? Claire and I are going to California alone.”
“She’s my daughter. I’m going with her whether you like it or not.” She kisses Joel on the cheek and he shrugs apologetically as my mom climbs into the backseat.
Claire hops out of the car and insists that my mom take the front seat, but my mom doesn’t budge. I place her suitcase on the backseat next to her and she doesn’t look at me. She’s pissed. I didn’t tell her about the letter from Claire’s father until last night. I didn’t want to give her anything more to worry about, after everything we went through with Abigail. But she did not appreciate being kept out of the loop.
The silence inside the car is making me uncomfortable. I reach for the stereo and Claire reaches for my hand to stop me. She shakes her head imperceptibly and I sigh as I pull my hand back.
“I’m happy that you’re coming,” Claire says.
I crane my neck a little to get a better view of my mom’s face in the rearview mirror. She looks more worried than angry.
“I just can’t believe you two have been keeping so many secrets from me.”
After a brief, but still agonizing nonetheless, silence, I ask the question that needs to be asked. “Did you book yourself a room at the hotel?”
Claire smacks my arm. “God, Chris.”
“What?”
I don’t want to share a hotel room with my mom. I had plans for Claire tonight.
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll get my own room.”
Claire throws me a look that could make my nuts shrivel up. “Jackie, I’m sorry we waited so long to tell you. I just didn’t want to bring it up in case I changed my mind. I’m still not sure I’m making the right choice, but I’m happy you’ll be with me.”