I nod toward the hallway and Lindsay follows me as I lead her into Cora’s bedroom, which is just as bare as the living room. Everything is packed away except for her furniture, the bed linens, and one lamp.
Lindsay sits down on the edge of the bed and immediately begins unbuttoning her blouse. I can’t tear my eyes away as she unsnaps the clasp over her breastbone and peels away the fabric covering her left breast. I glance down at Kaia before I hand her over, and she’s asleep in my arms.
“She’s asleep,” I say, trying not to stare at Lindsay’s chest, but my eyes keep falling.
“Really? I don’t know if I should let her sleep or wake her up. I want her to sleep through dinner.”
Gently, I set Kaia down in the center of the mattress then I can’t help but watch as Lindsay gets dressed. She stands from the bed and glances at Kaia before she looks me in the eye.
“Why do you look at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you want to touch me.”
I take a step closer to her so our noses are inches apart. “Because I do want to touch you,” I say, my hand slowly inching forward until it finds her face. She closes her eyes as I sweep her hair back over her shoulder, exposing her neck. I lay a soft kiss on her jaw then whisper in her ear, “But not here.”
Dinner with Lindsay’s mom and stepdad goes well, as I knew it would. Lillian loved me until the very end when she became convinced I was never going to propose to Lindsay. She must think that me inviting Lindsay and Kaia to come to Australia with me in January and March means that Lindsay and I are back together. I told Lindsay that she could tell her mom whatever she needs to about our relationship to get her blessing. If that means telling her that we’re back together, I’m fine with that. At this point, I’m willing to do pretty much anything not to miss out on the important moments in Kaia’s life.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything to her,” Lindsay says.
The snow is coming down again now that we’re only twenty minutes from Durham. The rumbling sound of the snow chains tearing over the highway is so loud, I’m not sure whether I misheard her or I don’t understand what she means.
“What are you talking about?”
“Claire. I’m sorry I didn’t say anything when she spoke to me at Cora’s house. I just froze.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t expect you two to have a long conversation while painting each other’s toenails.”
“I know, but I could have said something. I just couldn’t get my mouth to work. She’s stunning and she wears her heart on her sleeve. I can see why you fell for her.” She waits for me to respond, but I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. “Adam?”
“Yeah.”
“Do you still love her?”
“Yeah, I do, but not the way I used to. I just want the best for her, the same way I want the best for you and Kaia.”
She sighs and I take my eyes off the road for a moment to look at her. She’s leaning her head back against the headrest with her eyes closed. A tear rolls down her temple and down the side of her face. I reach across and brush my thumb across her temple.
“I’m sorry,” she says as she pushes my hand away from her face. “I’m sitting here thinking of how horrible it is that Nathan has been gone for less than two months and I’m already trying to figure out how to tell you that I’m in love with you.”
I stare at the road in front of me, focusing on keeping my tires aligned with the tracks of the car in front of me. I rub my right thumb and index finger together, as if the moisture from her tears will give me some clue as to what to say.
I love Kaia and I will always love Lindsay for being my friend and for allowing me to be a part of Kaia’s life. I don’t know if that longing I’ve been feeling to touch her and to kiss her is because I love her or because it’s been more than two months since I’ve felt that closeness with anyone. With so much uncertainty, I don’t want to lead Lindsay on. But I also don’t want to unnecessarily reject her if what I’m feeling is real.
“I don’t know how to feel about that,” I say, as I reach for her hand and lace my fingers through hers. “I do love you, but I don’t know if I can trust that feeling or if it’s the same kind of love that we shared before. All I know is that I don’t want you to go and the thought of you being with someone else makes me physically sick. I just think we should take this slow… for Kaia’s sake.”
She squeezes my hand and nods. “You’re right. I just had to say it aloud because it’s been driving me crazy, watching you with Kaia and making plans to go to your competitions. Letting you pay my rent. I just…. I know you do it mostly for Kaia—”
“I do it for you, too. I wouldn’t pay your rent or invite you to travel the world, and I would never have dinner with your parents just for Kaia. I need someone to laugh at my jokes and, no matter how many times I try to teach her, Kaia still can’t say ‘Who’s there?’”
We’re both silent for a while until we almost reach her house and she speaks again. “Remember the time we took my niece, Shayla, to the beach last year and you saved her from drowning?”
She runs her fingertips over the back of my hand and forearm as she talks and it sends chills through me. She probably doesn’t even realize she’s doing it. She did it all the time while we were together, whenever we watched a movie or went on long car rides. It’s one of the things I missed the most after we broke up.
“Yeah, I remember.”
“She asked me about you the other day. She said her mom made her take swimming lessons and now she’s going to start swimming competitively. She wanted me to tell you that.”
I pull into her driveway and she sets off to unlock the front door while I get Kaia and her car seat out of the car. When we walk into the house, it’s almost colder inside than it is outside.
“Is your heater not working?” I ask.
I set the car seat on the dining table and begin unbuckling the straps over Kaia’s torso. I gently scoop her up and quickly grab the blanket she was lying on top of so I can cover her up.
“The thermostat stopped working yesterday.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? We could have fixed it today. Kaia can’t sleep in this.”
“She slept with me last night so we could keep each other warm. It was kind of nice.”
“Fuck that. Get your stuff and I’ll take you guys to my apartment. I’ll fix the thermostat tomorrow.”
After we get to my apartment and Kaia is settled into my bed, Lindsay disappears into the bathroom to change into her pajamas and get ready for bed. When she comes out of the bathroom, I can’t help but smile when I see what she’s wearing.
“You still have that shirt?” I say, referring to the Duke T-shirt she stole from me when we first started dating, before we moved in together, because she wanted to feel close to me while she slept.
“Yes, and I hope you don’t think it’s weird, but I’ve been wearing it every night since we broke up. Nathan didn’t know it was yours.”
“Have you at least washed it?” I ask and she rolls her eyes. “It doesn’t matter. You look hot in that shirt no matter how filthy it is.”
Grabbing her hand, I pull her toward me. She clutches the front of my shirt as she looks up into my eyes. My heart thumps against my chest as I hold her face and slowly lean in to kiss her.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Claire
I call Chris when I’m a few minutes from the apartment to see if he’s home. When I pull into the underground parking space, he’s leaning against a concrete column waiting for me. I park the car and he opens my door, as if he can’t wait for me to do it myself. I look up at him and he looks a little scared, like he expects me to blurt out that I’m leaving him for Adam.
I smile at him and sigh as he smiles back. “I’m so happy to be home,” I say as I grab my purse, where the pregnancy test is tucked safely inside.
Stepping out of the car, I wrap my arms around his waist as I nuzzle my face into the crook of his neck. He feels so solid and warm.
“You said what you needed to say?” he asks as he takes my car keys and activates the car alarm.
I grab his hand as we walk toward the elevator. “Yeah. And I promised Cora I would visit her in Idaho. Is that okay?”
“Of course. Anything you want is okay.”
“Anything?”
He presses the call button for the elevator and grins. “What are you thinking?”
My stomach clenches inside me as I think of the pregnancy test in my purse. “Chris, I wasn’t going to tell you this, but I want to be one hundred percent honest with you. I don’t want us to have any more secrets.”
The elevator doors slide open and he looks worried as I pull him into the cabin. “What is it you want to tell me?”
“I’m late.”
His brow furrows as he attempts to work out what this means. “Do you mean… your period is late?”
I nod and take a deep breath. “It’s probably nothing because we’ve been pretty careful, but I got a test just to be sure. I’m going to take it right now.”
“Wow….”
I look down at the floor. “I didn’t want to tell you because of everything that happened with Abigail. But on the way here I realized that I can’t keep stuff like that from you any more. Even if we’re disappointed or surprised by the results, we should face this stuff together, right?”
He stares into my eyes for a moment, not saying anything, and I begin to worry that maybe I shouldn’t have told him. Finally, his lips curl into a faint, guarded smile, as if he’s trying not to smile.
“I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I’d be lying if I said that the idea of you carrying my baby doesn’t make me want to jump in the air and click my heels together.”
I laugh as I imagine this. “I don’t want you to get your hopes up either. Hell, I don’t want to get my hopes up.”
“Is that what you want? Do you want to have a baby?”
“No. I mean, I don’t think I’m ready right now. But I will admit I’ve been thinking about it for the past few days and… I keep thinking of how having you with me this time would make everything so different than the last time. And I want that. I want to share that with you.”
The elevator doors open and we’re silent as we make our way down the corridor to our apartment. He opens the door and I breathe in the scent of home. I love that smell. I set my purse down on the kitchen counter and Chris joins me in the kitchen after he locks the front door.
He helps me out of my coat then looks me in the eye. “Go ahead and take the test and we’ll talk about it after that. Whatever the result, we’re in it together this time, so you have nothing to worry about.”
I kiss him before I disappear into the bathroom and attempt not to freak out as I read the instructions for the test. I follow the instructions then set the test on the counter. I consider waiting in the bathroom, but I don’t think I could sit alone in here for five minutes. I wash my hands and go out to join Chris in the bedroom.
“You’re done?” he asks as he pulls off his shirt.
“No. I have a few minutes to wait, but I didn’t want to wait in there.”
I sit on the edge of the bed and he sits next to me. “Are you nervous?”
“Yes.”
“This is probably something we should discuss, even if you’re not pregnant.”
“What do you want to discuss?”
“What would happen? With school and with us.”
“What do you mean? What do you think would happen to us?”